Beta Reader Group discussion

65 views
Writing Advice & Discussion > advice/critiques for blurb

Comments Showing 1-7 of 7 (7 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Zubair (new)

Zubair Dollie | 23 comments If Noxus got a dollar for each time he received the ass-beating of his life, he’d have at least ten dollars. First his car breaks down, then he has to drink off-brand coffee and finally he’s ripped from reality and tossed into an unknown world with amnesia. With Emma, the semi-bipolar Forest Elf, and Sebastian, the dimwit ripped from the trenches in year 1917, as his self-proclaimed family, they’re pushed to their limits when their village is burnt down in an attack, forcing them to flee.

While exploring The Drommer Kingdom with a stolen journal containing coded information in order to find a way back to earth, Noxus discovers dark secrets along the way that leads to the death of a friend and the start of his downward spiral into evil.

If Noxus wants to return home, he has to abandon his friends. If Noxus wants to save his friends, he has to abandon his real life. If Noxus wants both, he has to outsmart himself.


message 2: by Wmba (last edited Aug 04, 2020 08:25AM) (new)

Wmba Dams | 49 comments Seems a bit long for a blurb.

But that is just my opinion.
It will be Interesting to see what others say about it.


message 3: by Dienekes (new)

Dienekes | 15 comments The length is fine. It's 166 words. Even if you go with the really short guidelines for blurbs, it's not that far over 150.

The blurb has a good voice. (I'm assuming it reflects the way the story is written.)

However, I don't like the use of the term "semi-bipolar." Bipolar is a serious mental illness like schizophrenia. I'd use mercurial, two-faced, or moody instead especially if you're planning to query agents.


message 4: by Zubair (new)

Zubair Dollie | 23 comments Dienekes wrote: "The length is fine. It's 166 words. Even if you go with the really short guidelines for blurbs, it's not that far over 150.

The blurb has a good voice. (I'm assuming it reflects the way the story..."


Note taken. I didn't really realize that so thanks for bringing it up.


message 5: by Ayesha (new)

Ayesha Ghaffar | 145 comments I feel like you are giving away too many plot pints in your blurb because you list so many things that happen to him. I wouldn't list things like his car breaking and drinking off brand coffee...i would just call it something like a series of mishaps or something.

And I don't get why the things that happen like his car breaking down relate to getting an ass beating. The last paragraph is the best part for me.


message 6: by Shirley (new)

Shirley Goldberg I like series of mishaps too. I think the first graph is confusing.

I'd like to "see" a little emotion here, especially since his friend is killed.


message 7: by Nathan (new)

Nathan Slater (nathanslater) | 9 comments I like the opening. But, if I had a dollar for every time a blurb middle states "they were pushed to the limit", I'd be a rich man.


back to top