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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Query Review and critique for my YA Fantasy

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message 1: by Rebbekah (new)

Rebbekah (revka101) | 6 comments Please Critique my query letter this is my first time writing one and I would love to get any tips, suggestions, and critiques.

Dear [Agent],

Good Afternoon! I am excited to introduce you to my debut YA Fantasy The Prophecy Of The Enchanted Forest. A story of what happened before the land of fairy tales became what we all know and love mixed with a young female protagonist and just a tinge of romance. [personalization if available] I would love the opportunity to know and work with you. I hope this magical story captures your interest!

The World Of Fairy Tales Still Has It’s History.

Audrey just wants to convince herself that she fits in despite being the only human living in the faerie realm and the only one lacking magical abilities plus wings. Jax is the young faerie who just wants to prove himself worthy of his title as Prince of Aile. And Evyan is the unusually rude stranger who might just be about to turn their world upside down.

When young Audrey, Jax, and some of their closest friends are presented with an opportunity to find a solution to the long time conflict coming from the kingdom of Adhair. They embark on a journey amidst a full realm lock down alongside a strange new friend whom Audrey was hoping she would never have to see again. Along the way they discover things they could have never imagined to be real and Audrey will soon discover that her identity isn’t all she thought it was.


The Prophecy Of The Enchanted Forest is a YA Fantasy Completed at just about 63,000 words. I am a first time young author still in high school and I currently take AP English. Despite my age I am ready to take on any challenge that comes my way in order to get this book published and share this wonderful story. I hope this query entices you to reach back out to me and perhaps embark on this wonderful journey with me. I hope to hear back from you soon and I would like to thank you for your consideration and for being in service to writers.

I've Attached [ Pages they are asking for]

Best Regards, Revka Noriega


message 2: by Scott (new)

Scott | 104 comments Don’t say, hope this story interests you, hope this query entices you, or hope to hear from you. This is a business letter and the agent knows why you are writing. Instead, start with your blurb and simply hook their interest. No hoping. Just do it.

Also leave out the, excited to introduce you to my story and I’ll do whatever it takes to get published. That should be a given. You may get some leeway because you are in high school, but chances are the agent will expect that you have done some research on how to write a query. Google “Query Shark” to learn more.


message 3: by Chantal (new)

Chantal Lyons | 15 comments Hi Revka,

A few points:

"The World Of Fairy Tales Still Has It’s History." - It should be "Its" (no punctuation mark)

There's a few issues with this paragraph in particular which would probably dissuade an agent from reading further:

"When young Audrey, Jax, and some of their closest friends are presented with an opportunity to find a solution to the long time conflict coming from the kingdom of Adhair. They embark on a journey amidst a full realm lock down alongside a strange new friend whom Audrey was hoping she would never have to see again. Along the way they discover things they could have never imagined to be real and Audrey will soon discover that her identity isn’t all she thought it was."

The first sentence is not complete. "Lock down" should be "lockdown". "Alongside a strange new friend" is confusing because it might be about Evyan, but might not be? Anyway, it's too ambiguous. The final sentence should be the icing on the cake of the pitch, but the "they discover things they could have never imagined to be real" is lacklustre. It doesn't say anything about the story.


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