Help with my Psych Thriller query

[Jessica]

Here's what I have at the moment for my query letter, any feedback greatly appreciated.

Dear [Agent],

When Peyton learns that her best friend Danny died in the house they owned together in Haven, she heads up to the Michigan vacation town to sort through her feelings. Peyton was expecting to deal with her guilt about why she and Danny had drifted apart, or at least hide her breakdown from her husband, but she wasn’t expecting Alex. Or Sarah, or Ben.

Peyton also wasn’t expecting new information to keep turning up, making her question the circumstances surrounding Danny’s death. She can’t be sure if the warnings tugging at the edges of her mind are pointing her towards the truth, or just distracting her from her own guilt. As Peyton pieces together the truth from Danny’s intriguing ex-boyfriend and almost too friendly neighbors, she finds herself attempting to untangle a web of possibly white lies, ghosts, and temptations while doing the right thing for herself and Danny. She thought Haven would be a safe place to heal, but instead it feels haunted. Is it Danny’s ghost, Peyton’s guilt, or the secrets more and more people seem to be keeping? As questions about Danny’s death start trickling into everything, Peyton questions more than she would have ever thought possible. It’s a summer of lies and riptides, and Peyton is fighting not to get pulled under.

HAVEN is a 70K word psychological thriller that explores what we owe our friends as our lives change, what moving on means, and why our strongest connections are sometimes the most dangerous. I hope readers who enjoy Paula Hawkins or Tana French would find elements to enjoy in Haven, and that those who like both would especially enjoy the blend of unreliable narrators, relatable characters, and immersive setting.

Thank you for your consideration,
Me

[GS]

Hi, Jessica.
I like the type of psychological thriller presented here, one in which the events are initiated by the character's own weaknesses.

When Peyton learns that her best friend Danny died in the house they owned together in Haven, [This is probably not an issue, but the death of this character's friend is put into a subordinate clause, and then the character going to this town is put in the main clause. To me, this communicates that the friend's death is the less important event. Maybe put each clause in its own sentence?] she heads up to the Michigan vacation town to sort through her feelings. [What are Peyton's feelings about her friend's death, besides guilt? If she doesn't know, would she expect that uncertainty? What kind of things is she doing that make her feel she's having a breakdown she has to hide?] Peyton was expecting to deal with her guilt about why she and Danny had drifted apart, or at least hide her breakdown from her husband, but she wasn’t expecting Alex. Or Sarah, or Ben. [I wondered why Alex, Sarah, and Ben were introduced but never mentioned in the query again. If they aren't needed to give the arc of the story, I wouldn't give their names. Instead, they can be grouped into their roles (who they are to Peyton) because I didn't know if these people were Peyton's current friends, old friends, her children, etc.]

Peyton also wasn’t expecting new information to keep turning up, making her question the circumstances surrounding Danny’s death. [The previous sentence felt wordy. "...expecting new information to make her question..." also works. In addition, I never learned anything about the circumstances surrounding Danny's death, but this seems to be because Danny took her own life which might be too heavy to throw into a query?] She can’t be sure if the warnings tugging at the edges of her mind are pointing her towards the truth, or just distracting her from her own guilt. [Not sure if the previous sentence is necessary.] As Peyton pieces together the truth ["what happened to her friend" maybe? Otherwise, the words "the truth" are repeated without adding anything new] from Danny’s intriguing ex-boyfriend and almost too friendly neighbors, she finds herself attempting[attempts] to untangle a web of [I think that "untangle a web" might be headed towards cliche and fits with neither the ghost nor the tide metaphors later on.] possibly white [I wasn't sure that these modifiers help to bring interest to the story. Besides, Peyton's unreliability has already been established.] lies, ghosts, and temptations while doing the right thing for herself and Danny. [Does Peyton's husband factor into any of this? I assume from this query that he's not a source of conflict for Peyton.] She thought Haven would be a safe place to heal, but instead it feels haunted. Is it Danny’s ghost, Peyton’s guilt, or the secrets more and more people seem to be keeping? [This question didn't work for me. What is "it" referring to here? Who are these "people"? The residents? Just the people Danny knew? Peyton's friends? Perhaps, for example, "What is the cause: her friend's ghost, her own guilt, or the conspiracy of secrets that the entire town of Haven might be keeping?" Except...better worded?] As questions[doubts] about Danny’s death start trickling into everything, Peyton questions more than she would have ever thought possible. It’s a summer of lies and riptides, and Peyton is fighting not to get pulled under. [Lies and riptides connects the plot and the setting together. And the "not get pulled under" connects the theme and Peyton to both. I like it, but what happened to the ghost analogy? This paragraph ends with different imagery than it has been building up.]

HAVEN is a 70K word psychological thriller that explores what we owe our friends as our lives change, what moving on means, and why our strongest connections are sometimes the most dangerous. [I'm not sure I got the sense of a person's strongest connections being the most dangerous from the body of the query.]

[This following summary isn't a critique of the query, and definitely not any suggestion for changes to your query, but simply to let you know what I understood and misunderstood. So, what I got from this query about the story is that Peyton hears about her best friend's death. She feels guilty because of why they drifted apart. These feelings affect Peyton to the point that she feels she's having a breakdown, which she's afraid her husband will notice. To deal with her feelings, she decides to go to the town where she and Danny had owned a house together, the house where Danny died. (I'm not sure if Peyton's meaning to have a vacation, take care of the house, to say goodbye to Danny, to feel a sense of forgiveness, or to do something else...) People Peyton knows show up wherever Peyton's staying. Peyton learns new information about Danny's death. She doesn't know whether she's needing to pursue this new information or is looking for an excuse to escape her guilt. Peyton seems to choose to pursue the truth she thinks she doesn't have. She learns pieces of it from Danny's neighbors and Danny's ex-boyfriend, whom Peyton seems to be drawn to. But she's overwhelmed by the lies she finds everywhere and by her own weaknesses. (I wasn't sure why Peyton thinks that her investigation is "for herself" if Haven doesn't feel like a "safe place to heal" anymore.) Peyton is determined to find the truth for her friend's sake and her own sake even as she questions everything she's known.]

Hope this helped. Good luck with your query.

[Jessica]

Hey GS,

Thank you for your detailed feedback, I'm re-working the query with your suggestions in mind.

Also the summery of what you understand from the query is a very helpful form of feedback, thanks!

Jess

[Jessy]

GS already gave you excellent advice, so I won't comment on your intriguing plot.

What's missing to me is the focus on the agent - maybe you're planning on adding an agent paragraph in the real letter. Research your individual agent - what they like and what novels they have represented - and why you would be a good fit.

Finally, who are you - what makes you the perfect writer for this story? Many agents want a line or two about the writer.

(If you find the time, I'd love your feedback on my query letter - posted on this board)

Cheers,

Jess

[Jessica]

Hi Jessy.

I included a personalized paragraph in my queries, I just didn't post it here because it was different for each agent, but thank you for pointing that out it would be a big hole if I wasn't!

I left some feedback on your query letter. Good luck!