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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Query - YA Contemporary Fantasy

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message 1: by Leah (last edited May 29, 2020 05:03AM) (new)

Leah Turner (12signholders) | 43 comments Hi Writing Community,

I'm looking for feedback on the query below. I would like to know if there are any parts that sound confusing? If the opening sounds enticing. And of course, if it is a story you would want to read.

Dear [Soul Mate Agent]

Your #MSWL says, blah, blah, blah.

Fifteen-year-old Waken never thought he’d be a danger to his family. But it wasn’t like he had a choice. Not after that night in the woods when he grabbed the ring—the one that belonged to a DeSindent, his sworn enemy. Ever since he touched it, he has been plagued with unbearable headaches and chest pains that leave him so weak he passes out. The only other thing that seems to help with the affliction is the new girl in school, Rose, but even being around her has consequences, like making the Sagittarius tattoo on his arm move.

After the death of her brother, Rose and her family relocate to Wichita, Kansas which might as well be the middle of nowhere. Rose’s life begins to improve when she meets Waken, the guy from her English class. That is until she sees him shooting fire—fire—out of his hands and discovers he is a Sign Holder, a person who draws supernatural abilities from his Zodiac Sign. Matters get worse when she starts having strange visions about the past, and a DeSindent forces her to betray Waken by threatening her younger sister's life.

Together, Waken and Rose must find a way to defeat their common enemy before both of their families are destroyed. But when Waken is given the chance to finally put an end to his killer instincts, he must decide between sacrificing Rose in the process or sacrificing one of his own kind.

SIGN HOLDER OF SAGITTARIUS is an 80,000-word YA contemporary fantasy, with a dual-POV. It will appeal to fans of A Blade So Black (by L.L. McKinney), Wicked Fox (by Kat Cho), The Bone Charmer (by Breeana Shields), and the television show Shadowhunters.

[Closing statement]

[Contact information]

message 2: by Tamara (new)

Tamara | 34 comments Hi Leah,

I really like this!

the first paragraph shows Waken's struggle (both inner and outer) and the second paragraph does the same to Rose, and you tie their storylines together perfectly by making them collaborate at the end

The last paragraph gives us the stakes of the story and makes us want to read so we could find out whether Waken is going to sacrifice Rose or one of his own (which, btw, could have the readers theorize throughout the book and in turn make them want to keep reading so good job on that)

Nothing was confusing to me, honestly, except for the Sagittarius tattoo which I found trouble reading, but other than that, well done tightening up your blurb!

Best of luck querying!
Tamara (not Anne haha)

message 3: by K.J. (new)

K.J. Padgett | 5 comments Hey Leah! Thank you for the feedback on my blurb. I wanted to return the favor.

I think your story has a lot of exciting elements! I love the idea of drawing abilities from a Zodiac sign! That's really fresh and intriguing!

Your first paragraph is pretty strong and shows a lot of characterization which is good. I think what I'd look out for is that the rest of the blurb read a little bit more like a synopsis to me. This is kind of what I came up with to make it not give a step by step rundown and leave a little mystery.

"Life is pretty difficult for Rose after the death of her brother, but everything feels a little easier after she meets Waken. That is until she sees him shooting fire out of his hands and discovers that he is a Sign Holder, a person who draws supernatural abilities from his Zodiac Sign. When she starts having strange visions about the past, and a DeSindent forces her to choose between her little sister and Waken, she knows that she's really in trouble."

I like the last paragraph. It adds tension and makes me want to know what will happen.

Good luck!!

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