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Ch. 17 > Reviews

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message 1: by smile (new)

smile is taking a smiley break (smileyfox) | 129 comments Ok, so what did you guys think? Any comments / concerns / suggestions / edits / ideas / etc? How can we make it better?


message 2: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) tis me again:

'“Give us a minute.” I respond. They are starting to walk away, but then I remember I wanted to ask something." Give who a minute? who is she talking to, I'm kinda confused at this part.

"she still doesn’t see me. She suddenly lets out a sharp gasp and looks up. She sees me." That last sentence isn't necessary, we can already assume that Iris sees her, but you could still use other wording, it just sounds weird saying that she doesn't see her, then she sees her.

When Annecke asks if Iris is okay, and Iris nods, I want to see more conflicting emotions, don't just tell me that Annecke doesn't belief her, how close is her friendship that makes Annecke understand Iris more, what emotions show on Iris's face that says "I am not okay"?

I get it that Iris is sad, but come on, the person who killed her whole family is sitting there casually across the room, and her friends don't even care, they're all acting like it's no big deal, how much that man has hurt her. They've all betrayed her, if it was me, I would definitely Not. Be. Okay.

A lot of the chapters end with them having no idea what they're going to do. It's getting repetitive.


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