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Ch. 12 > Reviews

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Sᴍɪʟᴇʏ Fοⅹ | 129 comments Ok, so what did you guys think? Any comments / concerns / suggestions / edits / ideas / etc? How can we make it better?

message 2: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) review:

The first paragraph uses the word 'sleep' too many times.

Then the second uses the word 'I' too many times.

The whole part about Jonah face-planting and everyone laughing feels kind of forced. You could play with that, saying that the stress of the past few days has had everyone on edge, so just a clumsy fall was enough to make everyone lose it, filling the train car with hysterical laughter.

It feels weird calling yourself the "leader" of a group, unless your a stuck up prima donna, where that would fit the character. If it's a group of actual friends, no one feels like the leader. Now, she could feel like she needs to protect everyone, and maybe people look to her for advice, because of age or experience, but not like an actual leader.

Why does Iris just assume that this is where the old man lives?That's how it sounds when she's describing the place.

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