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C H A O S B R I N G E R | 129 comments Ok, so what did you guys think? Any comments / concerns / suggestions / edits / ideas / etc? How can we make it better?

message 2: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) *rubs hands together* time to get back to it:

"Maybe she went closer to the road. But we agreed to stay together. I walk closer to the road and see a broken part of the road." too many 'the road's. add some variety.

Why is she hoping the broken spot is from Lizzie, and then panicking, wondering if it was from Lizzie? And just calling it the broken part of the road sounds vague and confusing, add more description.

"I take my radio out of my bag. We were looking to see what Nigel gave us and found six radios." This s like interrupting a story to add in a small detail. "Oh by the way, we found six radios in our backpacks." It upsets the rhythm of the story. Also, I think she means walkie-talkies?

"“Ok, where are you?” Comes the static reply." From who, exactly?

"He is the closest to Lizzie and is frightened at what he sees." How does he look? How does he portray fright? People show fright in different ways, so how does he show it?

"I think it was to the right, since we were facing the way cars are traveling when we got dropped off. “Let’s go to the right.” I voice." Again with repeating what you were thinking out loud, we don't need to hear the same think twice. And again, all the character are acting the same, like they are six different parts of the same, flat character, give them personality.

All the characters say 'ugg!' a lot

'“Okay, I guess we should bring her to Nigel. We might need to be prepared to fight them, though.” I say." nonono, don't be prepared to fight them, that's how you get yourself killed! they are armed grown adult men, that probably outnumber you.

okay, just the fact that Nigel was punished to become the "slave" sounds very unprofessional, and also, very illegal. Why not just say that he got downgraded, and doesn't have the authority to access medical supplies? Or something like that.

Wait, Lizzie got run over by a car. It's illegal to "hit and run." the owner would be fined if not sentenced to jail time, depending on the accident. The owner of the car would have gotten out and surveyed the damage, while calling 911. That's a federal offence if they didn't.

"A train. Sort of. It looks like a train mixed with a bus. It’s on tracks but is completely covered with a roof." umm, most trains have roofs. How exactly does it look like a train/bus hybrid? give me details.

"I look down and see that the tracks stop right in front of me. The train doesn’t slow down. I’m afraid it will crash into us. It jerks to a stop right in front of me." Trains take miles to slow down enough to come to a stop, so it would have to be slowing down. This part was a bit confusing to read, so you might have to rephrase it.

"He walks unsteadily towards Nigel. He is super tall compared to Nigel. Which is surprising for an old man. He leans down and whispers something to Nigel. Nigel smiles and nods." too many Nigel's. Use other words when you're talking about people, it gives it variety.

"With traveling only, a minute or two, the old man turns the train so that it is facing forwards." I don't quite understand this part: you can't turn a train around, it's connected to tracks.

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