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message 1: by S M I T E (new)

S M I T E | 129 comments Ok, so what did you guys think? Any comments / concerns / suggestions / edits / ideas / etc? How can we make it better?

message 2: by Elizabeth (new)

Elizabeth (theenigmatic) -“I have no idea where I am going pitch black outside.” This sentence needs to be fixed.

-Try not to use so many exclamation points. It makes the writing seem less professional.

-Though character description is good, the part at the end came out feeling a little out of place. Maybe disperse the more specific details. I’m not saying to get rid of this entirely, maybe just be more brief about the family members and their ages/physical descriptions.

-Paragraph separation is on point, and easy to read.

message 3: by S M I T E (new)

S M I T E | 129 comments Thank you for your feedback! I’ll definitely be telling my friend all that.

message 4: by Aҽɾιαʅ (last edited May 12, 2020 09:59PM) (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) I will copy my notes that I made:

When she says, "My house is burning down", it's just...very quick assumption? It just needs more detail.

The whole thing's just very fast paced, it jumps right into the action, when I need to understand a bit more.

I don't understand why she ran away from the police and fire truck. They put out the fire. It hasn't been that long, they could still find your family, why are you running away?

And why did you immediately jump to the conclusion of magic? I know if it was me, I would just think it was a trick of the light, a reflection of some kind, something.

What did she mean about the desert? I thought she lived in the suburbs.

I know this is stupid, are there forests in Arizona?

The main character has a 30-year-old brother, and a baby sister. I don't think that's a physically possible age gap between siblings.

When she says, No one knows where she got her blue eyes" or something like that, almost all babies are genetically born with blue eyes, thought I should include that.

Just cut out all of the description of her and her family. It's very oddly placed and the main character wouldn't even be thinking about that right now. Maybe have her think of past memories? And don't have paragraphs of physical description, it's better to put description into actions, like "her green eyes twinkled at me, and her auburn ringlets framed her freckled face perfectly." Something like that.

And the end of the chapter is very fast and confusion. All it left me was wondering what the heck happened.

I know this has a lot of criticism, that's just how I role. I didn't hate it.

message 5: by [deleted user] (last edited May 13, 2020 03:43AM) (new)

I would love for this to be fleshed out, if you know what I mean. Personally, I feel like things are moving way too fast. If you've ever read a classic, you'll notice how slow the pace actually moves. When you're writing, it may feel like the pace is slow, but it needs to be slowed way down. Adding more descriptions to the chapter and not using so many exclamation points might help

Also a big thing is show, don't tell. I feel like we as the reader are told lots of things are happening, not shown. This can lead to a poor mental image of the chapter and people not fully enjoying it. So, instead of saying "My house was on fire," say "The wood from my house was burning, along with the last of my hope." (Or something like that)

message 6: by Elizabeth (new)

Elizabeth (theenigmatic) In response to the Arizona comment, there are forests in Arizona! The climate is more diverse than you may think. However, Phoenix is not in one of these parts and is indeed more of a desert. The suburban neighborhoods are often surrounded by desert, so her running into a desert area is realistic :) Maybe not so much the desert turning into a forest part.

message 7: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) okay, sorry! I've only been to Arizona once! XD

message 8: by S M I T E (new)

S M I T E | 129 comments Thanks for all the feedback! I’ll let her know!

message 9: by Elisa (new)

Elisa Hadly (ellahadley) Hi sorry I haven’t read this book yet, but if you could, can you remove me from the group cuz I don’t know how to lol

message 10: by S M I T E (new)

S M I T E | 129 comments Ok, what did y’all think about this part?

A siren blares, echoing through the quiet streets. I wake up with a start and glance around. I scream, adding to the constant wails of the alarm. There are flames engulfing my arm! I try to put it out, but it stays put. At first it burns, but then I realize that it doesn’t hurt, I only thought it did. It feels warm, but not hot. I stare at it in horror and amazement for a few seconds before I realize that the flames have spread from my arm and are now crawling up my walls. My house is burning down! I have to get out of here, like, now! I jump out of bed and fling my door wide open. In my panic I don’t even realize that the fire from my hand has extinguished.

I race down the stairs, but suddenly remember my family. I can’t leave them! They’re still asleep! Without a moment of hesitation, I dash back up and into my parent’s room where everyone except Clara is. I yank the covers off, screaming at them to wake up. My mother wakes up first, followed by my father, and then Mary. My mother gasps when she sees what is happening. She grabs Mary and holds her close, while my father runs out of the room to find Clara. I yell at my mother, telling her that we have to leave and my little sister starts bawling in fear and confusion. I don’t blame her. My mother nods and slowly gets out of bed, her age showing on her face. I hold her hand and we slowly make our way downstairs. I feel a twinge of terror as I realize Clara and my father aren’t with us. CRACK! I jump as I hear the sound right above us. Suddenly, the roof caves in, carrying an explosion with it. There is a blinding white flash and a burning wave of heat. I am thrown down the stairs and I land near the door. I try to go back for my family, but the wood is burning. I can feel my lungs filling with smoke and I have to get out.

I yank open the door to my house and flee into the cool night air. The cold burns just as much as the heat. I look around. Where is my family? Why don’t I see my mother and Mary? Where is Clara and my father? My heart is in my throat. They must have gotten out the back door. They are probably waiting for me on the other side. I have to go to them and everything will be alright. I try to distract myself with positive thoughts, but for some reason, I’m having trouble believing them. I can sense a dark, nagging thought at the back of my mind, but I push it away. No, they’re waiting for me. I know they are. I push away the terrifying thoughts and circle the burning house, giving it a wide berth. With every step, I feel a little spark of hope. I speed up until I am at a full on sprint. I round the corner and...nothing. My eyes scan the lawn, searching for a needed reassurance...nothing.

Did they...did they not make it out? My mind betrays me. I look back and my house is almost totally consumed in the reddish-orange flames. Tears burn in my eyes. My family is still in there! They didn’t make it out! I feel as if I was just hit by a truck. I can barely breathe from grief. No, they can’t be dead. No. No! NO! A strangled roar penetrates the night. It is full of grief and pain, touched with anger and terror. I look around for the source of the sound and realize that it came from my chapped lips.

message 11: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) better, I like the variety of long and short sentences, and there is way more feeling and emotion, as well as detail.

message 12: by S M I T E (new)

S M I T E | 129 comments Why thank you! XD I actually wrote this part! Haha!

message 13: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) nice, one thing to add though, would be to weave in some character description during this part

message 14: by S M I T E (new)

S M I T E | 129 comments Yep... I did... I think she took it out... grrrrrrr........

message 15: by Ilona (new)

Ilona Ciller | 3 comments ReLiz ⚡️ wrote: "-“I have no idea where I am going pitch black outside.” This sentence needs to be fixed.

-Try not to use so many exclamation points. It makes the writing seem less professional.

-Though characte..."

I liked reading this chapter but I would agree. Sometimes you can include a physical description without listing it like, ...she brushed aside her long, black hair. or the orange light of the fire reflected off her pale white skin. Just little ideas though. :)

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