Powerless discussion

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Sᴍɪʟᴇʏ Fοⅹ | 129 comments Ok, so what did you guys think? Any comments / concerns / suggestions / edits / ideas / etc? How can we make it better?


Sᴍɪʟᴇʏ Fοⅹ | 129 comments I know... 😞 Just one of the many things wrong with this book...


Sᴍɪʟᴇʏ Fοⅹ | 129 comments Oof. That’s the problem. I don’t know what she’s trying to write...


message 4: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) notes:
"I didn't realize that I had forgotten to breathe. I take a deep breath." I think this would be more a situation where she would be hyperventilating? I don't know, but her heart rate would be really fast, so that's her body would have reacted.

Again with the paragraph of physical description, but this one's a bit better. "He looks like he has been living on his own for quite a while." This wouldn't be something you would just assume.

"How did he know that I was in danger? “How did you know that I was in danger?” I voice my question." This sentence is a bit rocky.

Like what Jay said, She was too quick to find another like her.

Her whole family may have just perished in a fire that she created, I need to see more conflicting emotions: fear, distrust, shock, anything.

"He is finally going to be able to start the project code-named Powerless.” It would just be Project Powerless. Just a nit-picky thing.

She would be telling her story in past-tense, but she's telling it in present-tense instead. She also wouldn't be telling it in a lot of detail. When most authors have a character relate a story, they would skip the whole story-telling part if the readers have already experienced it. And I feel like it would be better if after she told her experience, then she would suddenly remember the dream. That's how people recall dreams.

Why would she create a fire that burned her house down, leaving her family inside, run away from the paramedics and firefighters and jazz, just to assume that her whole family died in the fire? I find the series of events very awkward and goes against what most people would do. Wouldn't she want to try to save her family? Why not scream at the police that her family is trapped in there? Being held back by some grown-ups as she tries to run back in to find her baby sister, who she can hear screaming from the second story? Sorry, got carried away XD

I feel like she would be at least somewhat scared of her powers. She just went through a traumatic experience: she was the cause of her family's death.

I liked the ending better this time, it left me wanting to know what happens next.

I feel like I'm being rude. AHHHHH! I terrible at this!!!! Please don't hate me, I'm just writing down the things I found wrong, but I do find a lot of good things as well, should I include those in my reviews? I'm gonna do that for the chapter three review.


message 5: by Elizabeth (new)

Elizabeth (theenigmatic) The second paragraph comes off as choppy, the sentences are all relatively short and similarly structured. (His-is, His-is) Try using a variety of sentence structure.


Sᴍɪʟᴇʏ Fοⅹ | 129 comments Yeah. Thanks!


message 7: by Ilona (new)

Ilona Ciller | 3 comments ƒɛąɾƖɛಽಽ ąחɗ ƒɛɾσͼίσնಽ wrote: "I know... 😞 Just one of the many things wrong with this book..."

It's not so bad, just need to come up with a reason why they ended up in the same place, or maybe that's in the next chapter? :)
I used to hold by breath while sprinting so I can relate to that.
Another comment is to avoid repeating the same information in different ways, for example if she says something, we don't need to hear her think it because she's already told us.
I do wonder how he knows how to give her the perfect advise, maybe that's how he controls the wind? I'll read the next chapter tomorrow. Let me know if you don't want the feedback, I know it's really late. I'm liking this story so I'll read more tomorrow :)


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