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C H A O S B R I N G E R | 129 comments Ok, so what did you guys think? Any comments / concerns / suggestions / edits / ideas / etc? How can we make it better?

C H A O S B R I N G E R | 129 comments Oh, do it. I’m tearing apart her original one, so any more editing would be great.

C H A O S B R I N G E R | 129 comments 1. I know and I’m trying to change that. She’s just super stubborn...


3. Yeah, so am I! XD I honestly keep having to ask her what’s going on. And why she wrote what she did...

message 4: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) My review:

“And he will be able to start the project code-named powerless!” Again, it would just be Project Powerless, cut down on any unnecessary words.

((The description of the men is better than the other person descriptions))

“Nigel and Xander pick up the net and bring them into the Monster.” my heart rate quickens. What is the ‘Monster’?" Separation between paragraphs of person A talking, and person B reacting.

"He smiles down at me sadly." Try to use as little adverbs as possible. Show, not tell.

The whole style of short sentences makes the reading very choppy, try to use a variety of short, medium, and long sentences.

"I wait, bracing for the truck to start again. When I don't, I let out a sigh of relief." Uh, do you mean "When it doesn't"?

((during this part, the writing is better, and has a good amount of description))

"I can see the silhouette of Skylar but can't really see anything specific." Try using, "but I'm unable to make out any specific features."

((I like how she's just given all the men nicknames. Hilarious XD))

"When I manage to look over at Skylar, I can see his face contorted in pain." How 'bout instead of looking over at Skylar, she can hear ragged screaming coming from that area, although, that might just be the tortured sounds coming from her own mouth...bit dramatic. hmm, but you get what I'm saying.

She says pain too many times, try some more metaphors.

There are other senses besides sight. What are some smells, what does the air feel like? Is there the constant dripping of a distant leak echoing through the cellar?

Again with the paragraphs of describing what people look like. When they're first introduced, Lizzie would only notice the most obvious descriptions, the rest would blend out later, mixed with actions. Then each character would get noticed in their own way. Someone might have dimple, but are only noticeable when they smile. Nervous ticks might come to light as an easily stressed character overthinks. Stuff like that.

Everyone seems to have the same sort of personality, that might be different later, but it's all very monotone. How am I supposed to remember all these characters if nothing sticks out to me.

'“My name is Lizzie.” I say. I wonder if they have powers too. I decide to go ahead and be fearless by saying what I had just thought. “Do you guys…um…all have powers?” I ask timidly." She always seem to think what she says before saying it. As a reader, I don't want to be implied the same thing twice.

'“I…I can't see it.” he says sadly." Maybe, "What are you talking about?" Skylar snaps. "I see your hand. Is there something that I'm missing" He glances between everyone, his eyebrows furrowed."

That's it. :)

message 5: by Aҽɾιαʅ (new)

Aҽɾιαʅ Dყɳαɱιƈ (fairiefox14) That's it for tonight, I'll do some more tomorrow!

C H A O S B R I N G E R | 129 comments Haha! Thanks for your feedback!

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