Query Feedback - YA contemporary fantasy

[Scott]

Hi Sarah,
It looks like you've done your homework. Clinically, this checks all the boxes of a good query. The only ding is the blurb should be 100-150 words and you're probably closer to 250.

But the main job of the query is to capture the reader's attention. While the story sounds really great, the blurb doesn't pull me in the way it should. That's really subjective, so I'm interested to see how others respond. I think there are a lot of details that don't need to be included. For example, the last paragraph is more about the vampires than the main character. So, going back to word count -if you cut it down and only include what is most important, it will also be more focused. I think that will help.

The above definitely goes for the first sentence. I see what you're saying, but it's too wordy. Make it short and powerful. The only thought that stood out to me was it's hard to build sympathy for cow-killers. Best of luck with this!
--Scott

[Anita]

Hi Sarah,
I struggle with QLs as well, because I also have a mystery, and it's tempting to give too much backstory. But what I'm not getting from this is the stakes. What happens if Aurora fails? The Vampire School doesn't open again? I'm not sure those are stakes for Aurora. Maybe Melissa, but not Aurora. What does Aurora stand to lose, if she fails? If Aurora doesn't do XX, YY will happen. Hope that helps!

[Anita]

If it helps, I'm writing mine, too. I have literally only chosen to include what happens in the first three chapters. I give my "hook" -- the opening chapter. Then I intro the MC and then present the stakes. That's it. And, it's 288 words, not 182, which is phenomenal, btw, but I have no author bio, so I save words there. I think the whole thing shouldn't be more than 300, bth; I'm not sure who said less, but that's kinda short for fantasy, where you have to do some world-building, even in a QL (yes, they look for all this in a QL!). You do have great stakes -- her dream high school experience could be turned to sheer panic all the time, and then the whole magic system is threatened. Your last two lines are great! They really sell the book.

[G.R.]

A query letter is way harder to write than a blurb.

First of all, I would make your main character 15 or 16. At 18, kids don't really care about their high school. They are already looking ahead to college.

Second, the query should have the following paragraphs: 1) the hook, 2) the brief synopsis, 3) the comparison to other works/authors, and 4) your own author credentials (if you have any - but don't worry if you don't)

Here is how I would tighten up your hook:

Aurora is an eighteen-year-old conjurer with a knack for getting in trouble. The highlight of her life was moving to a magical high school. But when the neighboring school mysteriously closes down, she’s forced to confront her greatest fear: vampires.

Now, paragraph two:

As her childhood friend was killed by vampires, being in constant proximity to them put Aurora in a constant state of panic. But when an incident at school forces her to spend time with one, she begins questioning everything she thought she knew about the "monsters."

...okay. That's as far as I'm going to take it. The rest is up to you. I would include a little more detail about how the magic system is threatened and what that means to your main character.

Good luck!