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Destiny (The Legacy, #2)
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The Betterreads Project > STAGE 1: The Legacy: Destiny

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message 1: by J.A. (new)

J.A. Ironside (julesanneironside) | 653 comments Mod
Are sequels permitted? If so...

The Legacy: Destiny The Legacy Destiny (The Legacy, # 2) by G.G. Atcheson

Mix of dark fantasy and sci-fi (sequel to The Legacy: Fate)

Sample can be read here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KLNAP2Y or https://www.smashwords.com/books/view...
(Originally posted by G.G.)


message 2: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments The Legacy: Destiny

The second link is broken so here it is again:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view...

Thanks!


message 3: by Jeno (new)

Jeno (jenomarz) | 52 comments The Legacy: Destiny – I cannot appraise it, but I will give my opinion in hope that it will be helpful to the author.

Disclaimer: I avoid everything that has vampires in it. Paranormal is also not my kind of read and I can take only so little fantasy. Yet I'll try to be as objective as possible. Before looking at this book I also took a look at the first in the series, to know what's going on.

Cover: The cover is good. I like the title font, yet that article "THE" is a bit oddly placed. It's minor thing and can be placed better (I'd put it above letter L in the same font as LEGACY, just smaller) if the author chooses to do so. If there's one thing that is completely not right here, it is the barely visible author's name. I'd add some glow (very sparingly) for the letters in everything, because the cover is dark. Or play with the colors.

Blurb: Since it is a sequel, I think it is doing a good job to entice the reader to continue the series. (I liked the blurbs for both books 1 & 2).

Sample: I've read the first chapter and, to be honest, I was not hooked. My main problem was that this is told in first person and it doesn’t seem to work for me. And I love first person stories. The main character is somewhat disjointed from himself, and not in an interesting way. His self-awareness feels forced. There’s this awkward mannerism of talking to himself. There’s nothing wrong with writing self-talk, but he sounds like a robot.

An example of some other awkwardness: “These words, indoctrinated in me since birth, defined our law. That much I remembered.” He doesn’t remember who or what he is, yet he says “our law”. Who are these “we” to him? It is confusing to figure out how much he remembers and how much he reconstructs from observations. It's a hot mess.

This may seem like a minor thing, but his condition doesn’t appear and sound believable. The author gets in the way. The character is not properly inside his own head and somewhat cut off from his feelings.

Overall: Would I read on? Probably not. If I’d pretend to be a reader browsing the book store, based on book 2, would I go and look at book 1? Unfortunately, no. :-(


message 4: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Sorry it took me so long to reply. Thank you for taking the time to give me your insight. I have to admit you are spot on on everything.
I'm not sure what I'll be able to do with the cover though. My son is the cover designer and getting hold of him is as hard as getting to an itchy spot with hands tied. However, for the text, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with it (and different than his usual) and you nailed it. I should be able to remove some of the thoughts entirely, while turning some into normal narrative.

I'll get on it soon as I can sit in front of computer for more than five minutes at a time. (Back problems, but seeing an orthopedic next week. Needless to say these days will be long ones.)


Christina McMullen (cmcmullen) | 1213 comments Mod
Thumbs up
Full disclosure: I have read and reviewed the first book. I started this one, but then life happened.

Cover: I never even noticed that the word 'The' was on the cover until it was just pointed out. The placement is a little odd. Other than that, I like the imagery.

Blurb: the only thing I don't really like is the use of 'he' throughout. LX is only mentioned by name once in the first sentence. I know you put the LX/Alex connection in the first book, but those reading this blurb might be confused.

Story: It will be difficult to talk about the subject matter without spoiling the first book, so I will stick to technicals. The story reads well, but there is a slight disjointedness. This stems from (I believe) the fact that not only is this a first person who is an alien, but also suffering from apparent amnesia. This could be a stumbling block for some readers, but I found that after a few pages I was used to the rhythm and flow of the narrative. We are discovering information as the character LX does. In this sense, it reads a bit like a mystery and I want to keep reading to see where this is leading.


message 6: by Jeno (new)

Jeno (jenomarz) | 52 comments G.G. wrote: "I'll get on it soon as I can sit in front of computer for more than five minutes at a time. ..."

Sorry to hijack the thread like this, but I think you should find one or two good beta-readers, who will be honest (but not brutal) with you. :-)


message 7: by Richard (last edited Dec 02, 2014 01:11PM) (new)

Richard | 490 comments Mod
Thumbs down.

Cover: I like the cover a lot. The author's name is a bit lost against the background, but everything else is very good: the artwork, lettering and overall layout - neat and simple, a nice design.

Blurb: baffling. Then I realised that (of course, idiot!) this is a sequel, and once I'd gone and taken a look at the first book, this one made perfect sense too. I wonder, though, whether this blurb should begin with a brief (maybe even just a single sentence) recap of 'Fate'?

Excerpt: right at the start (second sentence) we get this: 'Its icy lump weaved around my entrails kept me shivering' and, every so often, similar odd wording: 'A sudden abdominal cramp brought me back in bed', 'I promptly stood up off the bed' - and so on. That's the only criticism I have, because everything else (spelling, punctuation, etc) seemed fine and I was quite intrigued to see just where all this was going. The occasional odd wording is distracting though, popping you out of the story; so maybe all it needs is an edit for that, and then it would sail through.


message 8: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Thank you Richard for taking the time to look at Destiny and give some feedback.

I'll see what I can do to find simpler wording when I'll get to re-edit to remove some of Alex's thoughts.

As for the blurb, the first line (A series of mistakes led LX into a whirlwind of events and almost cost him his life) is resuming the end of book one. I am unsure of how much more I should add. :(


message 9: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Christina wrote: "Thumbs up
Full disclosure: I have read and reviewed the first book. I started this one, but then life happened.

Cover: I never even noticed that the word 'The' was on the cover until it was just p..."


Thanks Christina, for your appraisal and your time.

Do you mean that I should add 'Alex' somewhere in the blurb so people know LX and Alex are the same person?


Christina McMullen (cmcmullen) | 1213 comments Mod
Maybe add thay LX is called Alex, like you did for the first one, but I would also use his name instead of 'he' a few times just to kind of imprint who 'he' is.


message 11: by Richard (new)

Richard | 490 comments Mod
As for referring back to the first book, if it does need changing all it would need is something like:

"In Book 1, 'Fate', a series of mistakes led Alex into a whirlwind of events and almost cost him his life. Now, after waking from..."

I'd wait and see what other readers think first though - it probably was just me!


message 12: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments I took in consideration what you all told me about the first chapter and made some changes. The rest will follow soon but I'd love to know if I'm going the right direction or if I'm just changing one bad thing for another one. :/

Since the book is already published, I haven't made the changes official yet. No need to change it now if I'm going to have to change something again tomorrow. Besides, I still have more to revise.

Can anyone tell me if it is still jarring and if I got rid of the robot feel?

Thanks in advance.

(I inserted spaces between paragraph because I don't know how to put indent here on GR.)

https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...


Christina McMullen (cmcmullen) | 1213 comments Mod
I just did a side by side comparison. Yes, it is less stiff, but Alex has a tendency to talk to himself throughout the story. I hope you don't plan to change all of it. It is part of his charm. That and his inability to grasp our slang.


message 14: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Thank you so much Christina.

No, I'm not planning on changing much more of his internal dialogues. I did remove a lot in the first chapter but there were more than his usual. This way, it resumes to his normal behavior as it progresses, and this should give the readers time to get reacquainted with Alex.

As long as it still sounds like Alex because if not, I did something wrong.


message 15: by Jeno (new)

Jeno (jenomarz) | 52 comments I've read the excerpt and it does sound a lot better than initial stuff. It flows more natural now.

Though one thing caught my eye: "That stupid tummy..."

He's a grown(?) man, does he refer to his body part in such a childish way?

But then I don't know him as a character. Maybe it's something that is his thing.


message 16: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Thanks Jelena.

I understand that for someone who doesn't know Alex, it may sound childish, but people who read Fate should catch this one. This tummy thing is a reference to his first meeting with Mellie. She tells him his 'tummy' is grumbling. He doesn't understand the expression and she explains it to him. Alex is like a sponge. He learns things and repeats them as he sees fit. Hearing his name triggered a spark of memory, thus he used the first word he learned to associate with his stomach.

Does that make any sense?


Christina McMullen (cmcmullen) | 1213 comments Mod
I'll vouch for the readers. I saw the word tummy and knew exactly why it was used, and it has been a good while since I read Fate.

This thread definitely highlights some of the difficulties we will be running into with assessing sequels and series books.


message 18: by K. (new) - rated it 5 stars

Caffee K. (kcaffee) | 461 comments Cover: Seems to tie in well with the available sample. Dark, mysterious, with a hint of more to come.

Blurb: Simple, elegant, with enough information to intrigue me to read more.

Sample: A few minor errors with either missing or extra words in the first couple of pages. Nothing to deter me from reading, but they did kind of jar a tad. The story flows nicely, and I would not have guessed this was a second book in the series if I hadn't seen Christina's comment about reading the first book prior to this one.

Rating? Thumbs up with the caveat - I am hungry for new/current authors. So read for content, not review/revision quality. If the grammar and syntax don't throw me out of the story entirely, then it is fair game to be visually devoured. So, not sure how much my approval means right now. (Book starved bibliophile = shaky judgement.)


message 19: by G.G. (last edited Jan 08, 2015 12:17PM) (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Ah thanks K. I just noticed this. /blush

I'm here to say that the changes have been made on Amazon and Smashword (the first chapter rewritten and as far as the second one, Richard, to correct this sentence 'I promptly stood up off the bed', I changed it to 'I promptly stood up'. There was no need for the off the bed since I doubt he would have stood up on the bed. :P )

Thank you all for your comments. I realize I shouldn't have chosen a sequel for this. Would it help if I'd change it for the first book instead? Could I do that?


message 20: by K. (new) - rated it 5 stars

Caffee K. (kcaffee) | 461 comments G.G. I don't see an issue with it being a sequel, so long as others understand that it IS a sequel. I'm waiting on Darkness to clear the decks, so I can send my sequel in. So, sequels will be heading through. You just happened to be the guinea pig and ran into the small bumps and rumbles that go along with starting something new (or in this case, restarting something from scratch).


message 21: by Richard (new)

Richard | 490 comments Mod
Agree with that, I'd leave it here if I were you G.G. (and you could then really throw everybody by posting the first book next!)

I've reread the sample and only found two tiny ones (Chapter 1: "Although cold and refreshing, it tasted of nothing" and Chapter 3: "O'Reilly hid a laugh by coughing. I kept my eyes on the newcomer.") Apart from that though, the whole thing seems to read much more smoothly than the last time I read it through - I think you must have put in quite a bit of extra work on it - and it's good to see LX now standing up like an expert! Anyway, since I also liked everything else already (particularly the cover) I'm changing my vote to a thumb's up.


message 22: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Thanks guys. (Sorry for taking so long to reply.)
I corrected the two mistakes you noted Richard (thank you so much!). I haven't done the changes online yet though. Since they have to check the new file every time I make a change I'm trying to make it count. If I don't catch anymore mistakes soon, I'll do it. (I try not to do more than an update once a month. I don't want them to hate me! :> )

Richard Wrote: "it's good to see LX now standing up like an expert!"

Yeah, I know he's alien but still. :P He's not too far from being human...we might share ancestors after all. :p


Christina McMullen (cmcmullen) | 1213 comments Mod
Reviewed! Sorry it took so long. I'd planned to read this way back before we even had a Bettereads project.
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...


message 24: by G.G. (new) - added it

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 200 comments Oh my gosh! Thank you so much Christina. You can't possibly know how much I needed that today. I mean, I went away from the computer feeling down, and came back to this wonderful surprise. Thank you! (I'm so glad you enjoyed it.)


Christina McMullen (cmcmullen) | 1213 comments Mod
I'm glad I could use my powers for good today. Now I can go back to using them for evil.

Against my characters! I swear! I'm not actually rampaging in small river towns. Not today anyway.

;)


message 26: by Richard (new)

Richard Penn (richardpenn) | 758 comments Staying in a small river town this week. So that's good.


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