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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Critique this blurb? (Steel Hearts)

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message 1: by Jillian (last edited Oct 31, 2014 07:10AM) (new)

Jillian Romanowski | 36 comments Title: Steel Hearts

Genre: Science Fiction/Young Adult

Status: In-progress (16 chapters)

Located: Wattpad


One girl’s pursuit of happiness beyond her barricaded settlement turns into a battle to endure the harsh realities that wait on the other side.

Mila knew once sneaking outside the Safe Zone, she would never go back. A chance to leave a radioactive Earth is a risk worth taking, or so she thinks. No longer will she stargaze high up top her roof wishing it was her who is chosen as an Outrider to the savior planet, Juno. Instead, she leaves behind foster siblings to run away with her boyfriend, Chase. Together, they’ll leave it all behind to win a flight in the Draw, hidden someplace inside Steel City – a city more dangerous then she has ever imagined.

Mila realizes getting off the planet is only half the battle.


message 2: by O.E. (new)

O.E. Boroni | 10 comments Hi Jillian
Again I think u should work on your names because the trick in fiction is to make me believe or at least wish that somewhere this world really does exist. Instead of earth, thing something else,and instead of village...think something else, lol. There's a reason hot male characters have names like Christian grey and Gideon cross instead of huckleberry Atkinson. Forgive the exaggeration, but i hope you get my point. Cheers.


message 3: by Jillian (last edited Oct 31, 2014 04:47AM) (new)

Jillian Romanowski | 36 comments Omoye wrote: "Hi Jillian
Again I think u should work on your names because the trick in fiction is to make me believe or at least wish that somewhere this world really does exist. Instead of earth, thing somethi..."



Thank you! I will consider what you've said. I do understand what you mean. Titles and names can often be tricky. In my other novel 'Borrowed' it has taken me a year to think of an appropriate name for my rebellion group.

Gah!

:)


message 4: by Jillian (new)

Jillian Romanowski | 36 comments Maureen wrote: "I like it very much. I don't believe the first line "One girl's. . . ") is necessary. Beginning with Mila's name (as does the second para) pulls me into a relationship with the book's characters ri..."

Thank you, Maureen! I see what you mean, and I will make some corrections. :)


message 5: by Kelley (new)

Kelley | 45 comments Sounds interesting! I thought it was the transitions between sentences were tripping me up, but it was the different tenses. I also agree that you should just dive in at the second paragraph. And to help the flow and raise the stakes a bit, I might flip these sentences:
"A chance to leave a radioactive Earth is a risk worth taking, or so she thinks. No longer will she stargaze high up top her roof wishing it was her who is chosen as an Outrider to the savior planet, Juno."

The next sentence (about the siblings) will need a new transition if you make that change, but I really think it could help the flow.
Good luck!


message 6: by Jillian (new)

Jillian Romanowski | 36 comments Kelley wrote: "Sounds interesting! I thought it was the transitions between sentences were tripping me up, but it was the different tenses. I also agree that you should just dive in at the second paragraph. And t..."

Just now saw your response, my apologies! Thank you for the suggestions! :)


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