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Poetry > By Choice, By Chance

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message 1: by Isaac (last edited Oct 26, 2014 07:17PM) (new)

Isaac | 8014 comments Transgender.
There, I said that dirty word,
That social taboo,
That "ugly social choice
Condemned by God."
They don't fit in. Why not just
Go to Hell, where trannies belong?
They chose this. They chose to be
Different, they chose to sin,
And now those threats to social norms
Need to be permanently vanquished.

A choice.
It was my choice.

It was my choice to be
Held down to a gym floor
And have basketballs thrown at me,
To have boys grab my glasses and threaten
To snap them in half, to
Step on my fingers and stomp on me
Until I couldn't breathe anymore,
Until I was black and blue and I crawled
Across the ground until my teacher
Told me to stand up and stop talking to them.

It was my choice to be
Chastised by other girls for
Being different, being weird,
For wanting to fulfill the role of
Father, son, brother, husband,
And to be screamed at not to
Return, to get away from them,
Because I didn't fit in, even though
When I went over to the boys they
Pushed me over and threatened to
Beat me up if I ever neared them again.

Mister, sir--
No, you're Miss Emily,
You're a young lady.
It was my choice to feel
What words were natural
And what words were foreign,
Poisoning me from the inside out.

I pretended, because
When I didn't, my mom would
Grab me, or even worse,
She'd drift from person to person,
Pleading to all of them,
"Why can't I have a daughter?
Why can't she just be normal?"

I conformed. I
Wore those dresses, I
Put my hair up, I
Drenched myself in pink and purple,
I wanted to be a princess, I
Repeated those stupid playground chants,
"Girls go to college to get more knowledge,
Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider!"

It was an act.
I was the next Olivier,
But unlike the
Saying goes,
The world isn't a stage.
It's a critic, scrutinizing every
Move you make, because
The wrong one will ruin you,
And they'll attack you, and hurt you
With words as sharp as the teeth
Gnashing between your teeth
When you bite into your skin and
Try not to scream.

It was my choice to hate people like me.
My parents told me to be transgender
Was wrong.
I hated girls with short hair. I hated transmen.
I hated the people I aspired to be.
I lusted after men, but not the same way girls did,
But in a sense where I wanted to be one.
Some kids wanted presents from Santa,
But I was desperate enough to ask him
That maybe, by some chance, I could
Be a boy, just for once.

It was my choice to have nightmares
Of bras and dresses,
Makeup and beauty pageants.

It was my choice to have panic attacks
To even be remotely viewed
As female.

I prayed to God to cure me,
But the cure wasn't to be a girl,
Oh no,
It was that maybe puberty would go right
And I'd be the boy that I was supposed to be.
Why wouldn't He help a sinner like me?
It was almost like maybe I was supposed to be like this.

It was my choice to have my parents call me a dyke
In the middle of a flood of people.

It was my choice to cry in the middle of a store
And embarrass my mother as she forced me
Into an image that wasn't me.

People don't realize that when you pretend to be someone you're not
You drown in lies and falsities that get stuffed into your head,
And it consumes you, and it hurts you,
Like swallowing arsenic, waiting slowly for your own ending,
And it's why 33% of trans teenagers attempt suicide,
It's why we hate ourselves, it's why we can't
Learn to love ourselves because we've been taught
That people like us are evil.

It was my choice to be bad.
It was my choice to be a menace.
It was my choice to be born in the wrong body.
It was my choice to be treated like I don't matter.

message 2: by Allison (new)

Allison | 679 comments Wow. I'm just speechless.

It's totally okay, I'm serious. You're not evil. It's not like you can help it. I'm so sorry that people have done that to you. If I saw them, I'd beat them up and they'd be sorry they messed with you.

message 3: by Alina (last edited Oct 27, 2014 09:36AM) (new)

Alina (alinapink-rose) | 331 comments Allison ~God's NOT dead~ wrote: "I'm so sorry that people have done that to you. If I saw them, I'd beat them up and they'd be sorry they messed with you"

Just point the way Hayden, I won't let anyone mess with you, because you're just plain awesome.

message 4: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
I'm so sorry people have treated you that way, Hayden. It's horrible that we live in a society that would make you believe you had a choice in the matter or that you would deserve to be abused like that. I know you didn't choose this, and you're amazing and wonderful no matter what some nasty people might tell you.

message 5: by Allison (new)

Allison | 679 comments What Brigid said too.

Sam~~ we cannot see the moon, and yet the waves still rise~~ | 3061 comments "I hated the people I aspired to be."


message 7: by Mindy (new)

Mindy Diamond | 190 comments Hayden you are amazing. What you did took courage, and you took the plunge. That's true strength.

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