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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Post-Apocalyptic Sci-Fi

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message 1: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Williams (thewrongwriter) | 29 comments Fellow authors...help! I think I'm doing something wrong.

I have my book's Amazon blurb below, and a promo blurb I've used on some promo sites. I recognize that the old trope about 'writing about yourself' and how it extends to our books sometimes. Seems that's happened here.

What do you think of these? All feedback appreciated.

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AMAZON:
In 2213, humans are no longer the dominant species on Earth. The Stymphalians are.

Alex Wolford, and everyone he knows, grew up as prey. They hide away from the Stymphs, scratching out a living in underground Bases. When they discover a relic of the old world, Alex and his fellow Base-dwellers face a reminder and an opportunity. An opportunity at a better life...and a reminder of the Viscount. The legendary figure who, two centuries prior, triggered the end of the world.

Not by nuclear war or some horrible virus - but by releasing the Stymphs. The only beast stronger than us. Hungrier.

Now Alex must face hordes of Stymphs and saboteurs from within to realize the chance before them. Bullets and willpower meet technology and monsters on the way to survival.

If you're a fan of the Fallout series or J.N. Chaney, you'll love this post-apocalyptic thriller.

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PROMO (Bargain Booksy, Fussy Librarian, etc.):
In 2213, humans are no longer the dominant species on Earth. The Stymphs are. Humanity has to hide in underground Bases to survive, or become prey for Stymph packs. Until the day California Base finds a pre-Age of the Stymph relic...something that might tip the balance back in their favor. If they can survive hordes of Stymphs to reach it.

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message 2: by Jeremy (new)

Jeremy Jones | 13 comments On the Amazon blurb you lose me after this: "When they discover a relic of the old world, Alex and his fellow Base-dwellers face a reminder and an opportunity."

At that point in time, the core conflict becomes muddled to me. Overall I don't see anything in there that makes me really care about the main character, there are too many concepts thrown out and none of them really hook me. Who is Alex? Why do I care? What's at stake? What is Alex trying to do? I don't have a clear idea about any of these.

The second promo is better, I'd almost go with that for the Amazon blurb as well. The thing missing there is any mention of the main character. If I'm going to invest time in this book, I'd like to know that the person who I'm following the entire time in interesting and worth the attention.

Both aren't bad. If I'm shopping for a book, these land it in the 'maybe' pile. I'm missing a really good hook to put it in the 'hell yes' pile.


message 3: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Williams (thewrongwriter) | 29 comments Thanks Jeremy; great to know. I did worry that the blurb had a sag in it somewhere. Just wasn't sure where.

Good to know it's not all terrible at least!


message 4: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Williams (thewrongwriter) | 29 comments Thanks again Jeremy & V.M. for the input! I spent some time on this and worked out what (to my eyes) looks like a much better version of the Amazon promo.

Here's the new version. I've posted it to the book description for testing too. Of course, any feedback appreciated.

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In 2213, humans are no longer the dominant species on Earth. The Stymphalians are.

Alex Wolford, and everyone he knows, grew up as prey. They hide away from the Stymphs, using technology to survive in an underground Base. Go outside, and you risk becoming food for the Earth's new apex predator.

When a scavenging party discovers a map to a pre-'Stymph War' artifact, Alex must decide: Is survival enough? Or should they fight for a better tomorrow?

No more living scared of every noise. No more losing people every day to the jaws of Stymphs.

The only problem? The artifact, and Alex's hope of a better tomorrow, lies on the other side of a monstrous Stymph pack...

----
If you're a fan of the Fallout series or J.N. Chaney, you'll love this post-apocalyptic adventure.

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message 5: by Andy (new)

Andy Giesler (andy_giesler) | 70 comments Christopher wrote: "Here's the new version. I've posted it to the book description for testing too. Of course, any feedback appreciated.."

It describes the setting well and has my interest for what comes next. A couple of very minor editing suggestions:

"Alex Wolford, and everyone he knows, grew up as prey." I'm not sure these commas are needed.

"They hide away from..." For some reason "hide away" tripped me up a little. Wouldn't just "hide" work? I could be wrong, but I think of "hide away" as something people do to things, not something people do to themselves.


message 6: by Faith (last edited Feb 14, 2020 07:36AM) (new)

Faith Jones (havingfaith) | 17 comments In the opening, you should swap the full stop for a semicolon and then go lower case, to read "dominant species on Earth; the Stymphalians are". Also 'bases' generally should be lower case but the subsequent capitalised one is correct for Base-dwellers if they live in a place named 'Base' or it has been shortened from a full name, e.g. 'Base Five'.

The Stymphs are stronger and hungrier than us, but so is an Ox. To make them a threat, they have to do something more insidious, like be more intelligent or better coordinated, maybe use tools. Do the Styph believe humans are monsters? Have they started to change and devise a culture or are they another two dimensional target species? Otherwise, I think it is quite an exciting blurb that does encourage strangers to read more.

The previous commentator is probably right about the need to invest in Alex more or give a clue about his personality. Is he resourceful, a thinker, stoic or a gun-waving stereotype? What does Alex see or hear around him? Incidentally, why are so many male lead characters called Alex? Is it a fashionable (not a grandpa) name with no negative connotations or does it have something else which makes so many authors choose it?


message 7: by Christopher (new)

Christopher Williams (thewrongwriter) | 29 comments Good timing Faith. I'm gearing up for the next round of promos, and looking at another Amazon update. Time to edit again!


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