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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Fantasy/Sci-Fi back cover blurb (updated)

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message 1: by Nicholas Soleil (last edited Sep 15, 2019 05:15AM) (new)

Nicholas Soleil Chai (nichsc) | 3 comments Hi, I need as much help as I can get for these blurbs. I have a couple of them, and I hope to hone them as much as possible. Thanks!

Edit: I have updated a new blurb for those who would like to help. Thanks!

[Blurb]
“No, not again. Please! Anyone … Anything!” Rouxnet screams as the mutated beast is about to rip his best friend apart. And his plea evokes the Primordial Spirit Lord of the Wind, making him its vessel.

Living under the shadow of his suppressed trauma, he deems the lives of his friends above his. So when the lineage of his close friends reveals to be the true heirs of Ethelia, he has no hesitation to join them in the quest to regain the kingdom or die protecting them.

Yet, the lurking shadow who seems to know his true identity pulls strings from all over the lands, laying lethal traps to ensnare them.

Now, he needs to gather allies, learn to control his newfound power, and become ever stronger to protect his friends. Or risk watching his friends die because of him, again.


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments I think the second makes more sense. But I'm not sure 'cripples' is used properly and found 'none answers but one' to be problematic and caused me to read it several times. Unless you use such turns of phrase throughout your story, putting it in your blurb is likely to act as the wrong sort of filtering mechanism. Of course, if that sort of phrasing is used throughout, then you're right to include it, for that filtering mechanism.

The main issue I have is 15 years old seems very young to have evidently already had a huge impact on the world, then forgot it long enough to rebuild his life.

Your first sentence seems valueless to me. More like your giving away a twist ending. Like Sixth Sense being described as a dead guy communicating with a kid. And the rest of the blurb doesn't refer to the first sentence at all.


message 3: by Nicholas Soleil (last edited Sep 09, 2019 08:55AM) (new)

Nicholas Soleil Chai (nichsc) | 3 comments Hi Keith, thank you so much for your input! You pointed out the issues I'm struggling with. I wanted to introduce the elemental as a form of worldbuilding, but I struggled to think of a better way.

As for the age, the story will tell his trauma and how he has to overcome it.

And as for the first sentence, I think I got too excited to let the reader knows the connection between the two worlds. And I think you're right, that spoiled the twist.

I have rewritten the blurbs and here are the two options:

[Option 1]
Though amnesiac, fifteen years old Rouxnet enjoys his new life in Fiolus. Taking quests with his best friend and honing his mystical arts are joys he finds in his daily life.

But when one quest leads them to a mutated beast, it takes a deadly turn. Watching his best friend about to die evokes his forgotten trauma. Ready to sacrifice his all, his plea invokes one—the Primordial Spirit Lord of the Wind.
And as if fate begins to turn, the lineage of his close friends as the true heirs to the throne of Ethelia came to light.

Hunted by the False King, he needs to gather allies, learn to control his newfound power, and become ever stronger to protect his friends.

But within the lurking shadow stand one who seems to know his true identity.

Will he be able to help his friends evade the False King, or will he succumb to the echoes from the past?

[Option 2]
“You are already involved; you have been from the beginning. It is your right to know this much.”

Though amnesiac, fifteen years old Rouxnet enjoys his new life in Fiolus. Taking quests with his best friend and honing his mystical arts are joys he finds in his daily life.

But when one quest leads them to a mutated beast, it takes a deadly turn. Watching his best friend about to die evokes his forgotten trauma. Ready to sacrifice his all, his plea invokes one—the Primordial Spirit Lord of the Wind.

And as if fate begins to turn, he is forced to travel across the world to protect his friends. But soon he finds himself entangles with the very core religion of the Human nations. And why does Lux Lucis, one of the two pillars of the faith, appear before him?

Will he be able to avoid reliving his trauma, or will he succumb to the echoes from the past?


Thanks again!


message 4: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments I've been told (because I have used) questions in the blurb are 'bad things.' You do you, but wanted to point out what was pointed to me.

Maybe "forgotten trauma" could be "suppressed trauma." That would make me think it more reasonable that he could quickly come (back) up to speed.

In the second, I'm not clear who Lux is. Introducing a character that late in the blurb is probably a problem, there's no way to adequately describe him.

I still lean toward option 1 as better, but I'm still not feeling it.

PM me if you'd like a link to a blog post I wrote attempting to distill my thoughts on creating blurbs.


message 5: by Nicholas Soleil (last edited Sep 15, 2019 05:15AM) (new)

Nicholas Soleil Chai (nichsc) | 3 comments Ok, I've come up with a new blurb which I hope it's better. I've also edited the first post in case anyone would comment on it. Thanks!

[Blurb]
“No, not again. Please! Anyone … Anything!” Rouxnet screams as the mutated beast is about to rip his best friend apart. And his plea evokes the Primordial Spirit Lord of the Wind, making him its vessel.

Living under the shadow of his suppressed trauma, he deems the lives of his friends above his. So when the lineage of his close friends reveals to be the true heirs of Ethelia, he has no hesitation to join them in the quest to regain the kingdom or die protecting them.

Yet, the lurking shadow who seems to know his true identity pulls strings from all over the lands, laying lethal traps to ensnare them.

Now, he needs to gather allies, learn to control his newfound power, and become ever stronger to protect his friends. Or risk watching his friends die because of him, again.


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