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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Query/blurb help new adult horror

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message 1: by C.R. (new)

C.R. Tyra (crtyra) | 36 comments Parker Lewis jumped at the opportunity to keep his kid brother Noah for a few weeks while his parents went abroad. It was finally a step toward grace after five years since a tragic accident left Noah mute under his brother’s care. Parker is a tired, anxious third year university student who struggles with what to do with his life, even contemplating dropping out of school altogether. It is at this crossroads that a chance encounter with a girl from highschool introduces him to the practice of lucid dreaming. Parker marvels at a world free from feelings of guilt and recurring nightmares. He even accepts the cost of being subjected to horrifying images by way of the accompanying sleep paralysis, that is, until those images and Noah begin to interact.

Thank you so much for any feedback!

message 2: by L.C. (new)

L.C. Perry | 45 comments I think the second sentence runs on too long. It's kind of a mouthful. And the last sentence lost me - does that mean Noah is doing lucid dreaming as well? And why does Parker accept the cost of horrifying images? I thought the whole reason he's doing this is because he want's to be free of recurring nightmares. Doesn't that defeat the purpose then?

I hope this helps!

message 3: by C.R. (new)

C.R. Tyra (crtyra) | 36 comments thank you! that does help

message 4: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments For me it feels like too much backstory. Also, I suggest you break it up from one solid paragraph.

message 5: by C.R. (new)

C.R. Tyra (crtyra) | 36 comments Parker Blaylock opened his eyes but otherwise couldn't move a muscle. A hideous inhuman abomination stood at the foot of his bed watching him intently. His chest tightened and his breath became like razor blades in his throat. As he struggled, the creature brought a finger up and pressed it against where a jaw hung loosely and blood clung like saliva on a rabid dog. 

At once, the being vanished and Parker was released from the invisible vice grip. The book that acted as Parker's guide to lucid dreaming, with no title and no author, handwritten in an unholy script still lay open beside him. He moved to close the book when from the bedroom of his mute brother Noah came a bone chilling scream

message 6: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments That doesn't feel like a blurb, that feels like the story opening.

message 7: by C.R. (new)

C.R. Tyra (crtyra) | 36 comments I'm more trying to formulate the query letter rather than the blurb for the back of the book

message 8: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments The blurb does double duty.

message 9: by Vanessa (new)

Vanessa (vanessamac) | 25 comments HI CR,

I don't think the message 5 works as a query letter. I agree it sounds like the opening of the book. Message 1 works better for me as a basic query, but a lot of that info is unclear how it pertains to the book.

Can you give us a Who, in What World, wants What and What is at Stake if he can't get it?

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