Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query feedback for fantasy novel
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Hey Amanda,I hate to be a buzzkill, but you've pretty much got everything wrong. I assume you're targeting adult, since you don't mention YA, and 54K for a fantasy is more a novella than a novel. Most people write things too long, but I think you've made yours too short.
"I have completed" tells the agent nothing, except, perhaps, you're at least smart enough to avoid the ranks of people querying novels that aren't even finished yet. After that, you seem like you're trying for a logline (single sentence description of your project), but what you have is very generic.
Next should be your blurb, but you have a synopsis instead (notwithstanding your previous statement). It's the same thing that goes on the back of the book, to entice the end consumer to pick up your novel and take it home. Blurbs are hard, but a good one can interest agents, publishers, booksellers and readers, without change. Boring blurbs (or synopses) do the exact opposite.
Something to keep firmly in mind is good agents get 100-500 of these each week and are likely to spend less than 30 seconds on each while they basically look for reasons to say 'no.' And, so you know, no answer means no. So they're looking for reasons to delete each message. In addition to that, they're also reading any manuscripts they requested from previous queries as well as all the usual stuff agents do for their authors. Realistically, you have 10 seconds or less to intrigue the agents enough to get them to invest another 20 seconds to read the rest of your query and hopefully trigger the MS request. Getting the MS request is the only point of the query, then your actual writing will finally be judged.
Even in your synopsis you're putting in irrelevant information. Explanations for the title can be left for your author website (got one? If not, put that at the top of your list; supposedly the first thing an agent will do if they think they want to request your MS is to Google your author name). Besides, it's likely the publisher will want to change the title anyway. Fantasy is rarely set in the modern, or even historical, world, so saying it's set some other place is wasted words (every single word in your blurb and query need to matter). If you set out to write high fantasy for YA audiences, then put that in your first paragraph. The more you make the agent work, the more likely you'll wind up with a pass.
Now to your last paragraph... More wasted words. While I'm sure agents would rather represent authors that want to go pro, as opposed to for the heck of it, the sad reality is only a vanishingly small number of authors (like around 5K - world wide) make enough off their writing to do it exclusively. Everyone else has a 'real' job that they do while they write on the side. While agents and publishers like the idea of a series, your first novel needs to have a standalone plot, in case there aren't the sales to justify the sequel(s).
Minor point: no one does paper queries any longer. In fact, many publishers will either discard them unread or return them unopened. Everyone does it electronically, either directly by email or some sort of on-line submission process. Thus, unlike a paper version where the addresses would be at the top, in emails they are typically at the bottom.
You should add a sentence or two of personalization. The point of this is to demonstrate that you have, in fact, invested enough time to research to know the agent might actually be interested in representing you.
PM me if you'd like a link to a blog post I wrote on formulating blurbs and synopses.
Keith wrote: "Hey Amanda,I hate to be a buzzkill, but you've pretty much got everything wrong. I assume you're targeting adult, since you don't mention YA, and 54K for a fantasy is more a novella than a novel...."
Thank you for the recommendations, I have revised the letter substantially based on your input.
Please don't edit your original post, add on to it. That way people can see the evolution.
The main problem with the summary is that it doesn't sound like a fantasy novel. My book does include magic, fantastical races/creatures, and other fantasy tropes, but I haven't found a way to squeeze a mention of this into the summary without grinding the whole thing to a halt or making it too long. As is, this blurb sounds like one of the Manson family-inspired novels that have come into vogue in the last couple of years, just with strange and unusual character names.
Dear :
I’m currently seeking representation for my 54,000-word YA novel, DREAMWALKER. Since you are currently seeking fantasy projects, I thought you might be interested in adding my book to your list.
Recently fired from his job, a disenchanted young man named Rowan is drawn to the charismatic prophet Vormund, whose radical teachings are taking the country by storm. Yearning for a purpose and a community of people who accept him, Rowan joins the dysfunctional band of misfits, exiles, and reformed outlaws who have attached themselves to Vormund. But they have drawn the attention of the Temple, a powerful institution determined to erase all trace of Vormund from existence. Hunted by a shape-shifting double agent and greeted with cries of blasphemy wherever they go, Rowan begins to doubt the prophet's legitimacy, and after one of Vormund's followers dies under mysterious circumstances, he is left with no choice but to betray him. His treachery sets off a chain of events that make the prophet into a martyr.
I want to make a career out of writing and I intend to publish further sequels to this project, as well as many more novels. You may contact me at the above address, email or phone. Please note that this is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Amanda Joy Norman