This is not The Haters Club You're Looking For discussion

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I hate the "comforting" things people say when your loved one dies

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message 1: by Clackamas (new)

Clackamas *****kind of ranty, but not directed at anyone on Goodreads*****

Like the need to tell you all about the losses that they too have suffered in their lives out of some misguided attempt to relate or something. Is that supposed to make us feel better, jackass?

Also, "he/she/it's in a better place". Maybe so, but right now I really don't care. I'm thinking about what MY life's like without them. And don't treat me like I'm self-centered for feeling that way. If you do, I'll know that you've never lost anyone.

I understand that maybe you don't know what to say to comfort me, and that's fine; don't say anything, just be there.


message 2: by Kim (new)

Kim (kmdoubleday) Rant away!

and 'I'm sorry'??? still can't wrap my hands around that one.

Don't make my life a soap opera. Let me be.


message 3: by Clackamas (new)

Clackamas Along with "there is a reason for everything" is "It's all part of God's plan". I can think of few better ways to get someone to dislike God than telling them that God intentionally took their loved one away.


message 4: by Amanda (new)

Amanda (randymandy) I agree that most people are full of shit.

I have only ever heard ONE profound thing while in my own state of mourning. After my grandmother died several years ago, a friend said, "my parents died over ten years ago, and still not a day goes by that I don't think about them." I think the fact that he acknowledged my mourning--and that it's never quite over--is what was so touching. Like Donald said (sorta), you can't cut short the process...


message 5: by Clackamas (new)

Clackamas I think that the best thing I've heard was from a friend who I knew had dealt with several losses. She said, "it doesn't go away, but it does eventually get better, not that my saying so makes any difference right now. Anyway, you know where I am if you need me." ...practical and acknowledges that nothing said really helps. It was probably the most comforting thing someone could say because it didn't "make my life a soap opera" as Kim so aptly put it.


message 6: by Erika (new)

Erika (smick) my experience brought to light what people are really made of, including myself, crystal clearly. agendas were screaming at me.
sure, hearing 'I am sorry for your loss' upset me after the third time. it felt like a stock condolence. i was pretty pissed off in general.
i also realized there is no right or wrong way- no time limits- to greiving. everyone is so unique. i just liked knowing people were there *if* i needed them and appreciated most those who were not upset if i didn't need them or could not interact. i couldn't really talk about it for years and preferred strangers if i did. i wanted to be selfish and not care about anyone else's feelings for a change.
"how are you doing/ holding up?" quickly became annoying... how could i answer this without understanding what i was feeling? i was trying not to feel, just function.
there was also this moment when seeing so many people i never knew of come together for my mother's funeral that had me boiling mad inside. they approached me and said mumbles of niceties into my blank stare, tried to touch me. who are you?! this is My deal. i was selfish and if you get hurt by that, um "sorry for *your* loss". i was totally overwhelmed with angst.
i let that go after some stiff swigs and a long ride- with no music or talking.

hey, i apologize for long post.


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