Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query feedback YA Dystopian
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On the whole, I think you've hit all the necessary points. That being said, I think your blurb is too long (226 words) and needs punching up. Also, you mention a twist on dystopian, but I don't see one described.I took a stab at shortening and streamlining your blurb (121 words):
An age-old prophecy. A king's obsession. A young woman's secrets.
Margery is a siren, famous throughout Silver Kingdom for her irresistible voice. Margery is also a criminal: she’s literate.
Though desperate to be free from King Godwin’s prophecy-inspired manipulation, Margery is anchored by her father’s ailing health.
When Prince Luther, who Margery once loved as a brother, returns after six years, opportunity finally seems to have arrived. Instead, the King forces Margery into marriage with the prince. Just when she was growing fond of her father’s apprentice.
Life is incredibly complicated - Margery risks a loveless marriage and execution for her ‘crime.’ Then she finds out the prophecy is actually real and her destiny is to change the course of history.
Hi Keith! Thank you so much for your feedback and help. That is so kind of you to reword/streamline the blurb--you have been beyond helpful.I've noticed from reading through the query letter threads here (to get inspiration) that you've helped so many people with their blurbs. You rock!
That's very sweet of you, thanks!PM me if you'd like a link to a blog post where I attempt to distill what I think helps make a good one.
Kayla wrote: "Hi Keith! Thank you so much for your feedback and help. That is so kind of you to reword/streamline the blurb--you have been beyond helpful.I've noticed from reading through the query letter thre..."
I'd take it a bit further. You're still giving too much away. Details that should be tucked between the covers. You don't want your blurb to be like a movie trailer that makes you feel as if you've just watched the whole thing. The point of the blurb is to make a promise to your reader: this book will take you away from real life. Let me try:
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It’s hard to keep a secret when everyone knows your voice. Even as the Silver Kingdom's beloved Siren, there’s still so much I cannot say.
King Godwin hangs on my every word. I don’t know how much longer I will be safe here, married to the Prince or not. I wish I could say no. If it weren’t for my father, you know I’d speak up. Tell them the Prophecy is no more than idle fantasy when they insist it is my destiny. I wish I could…
I shouldn’t write it. If I were even caught writing or if either of us is found reading, it will all be over. I pray this made it to your hands alone and that you are somewhere between the trees when you open it.
Burn my message when you’re through. I know you’ll want to read it over and over again, but it’s not worth joining the blood tallies on the wall for this crime. No matter how sweet it is to commit.
Love,
Margery.
PS: your handwriting is improving.
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Dear AGENT’S NAME,
I am pleased to introduce my YA Dystopian novel, THE SIREN PROPHECY. It is a twist on the Dystopian genre and given your interest in Speculative and Historical Fiction, I believe we would make a wonderful team.
Margery Woodson, the Siren of the South, is famous throughout Silver Kingdom for her beautiful voice. What the villagers don’t know are her fatal secrets. She’s literate in a land that forbids female education and keeps her books hidden in the forest, along with an escape bag and a powder-blue dress. Margery wishes to be free from the manipulative and controlling King Godwin, but her father’s ailing health holds her back.
When Prince Luther returns to her village after six years, Margery sees an opportunity. Surely the man she once loved as a brother will help her escape the clutches of the king? Wrong. King Godwin believes an old prophecy and will not give up his Siren so easily. When Margery is forced into an engagement with the prince, all hope is lost. To complicate things further, she grows fond Theo, her father’s apprentice, who has a dark past of his own.
An age-old prophecy. A king's obsession. A young woman's secrets. What will Margery do? Will she escape and find the rebel colony? Will she be stuck in a loveless marriage, within the constant grasp of the king? Will she be executed for her crimes, becoming mere blood-red tally mark on the wall? She holds more power than she knows and changing the course of history may just be part of her destiny.
THE SIREN PROPHECY is a complete novel at 71K words and is immediately available upon request. Set in a world years beyond an apocalypse, it will appeal to fans of Year One by Nora Roberts, The Wolves of Winter by Tyrell Johnson, and The Selection series by Kiera Cass. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kayla Hartmann