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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Help with blurb Y/A Time Travel/Sci Fi

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message 1: by Gail (new)

Gail Griffiths | 12 comments This Y/A time travel adventure is a fast-paced adventure, filled with action and packed with dollops of romance, suspense and surprises. It is 70K words and has semi-explicit sex scenes, swearing, and mild violence.

Blurb:
Joe and Harriet have completed their first year of university and decide to celebrate the start of summer vacation with a hike that turns into a day that could change their lives forever.
The adventure begins when they are stalked by a classmate who can't take rejection. It ends when they make a break for it, and run headlong into a cave that transports them into the future.
Landing in a locked room in a bioresearch facility where they are captured and interrogated. Locked up, they make new friends and face old enemies. For the next two months, they discover what’s in store for the past, and for the future.
They are forced to make a costly decision when they learn that they are needed for an experimental project. It’s a program that could mean the eventual survival of man and lead to their freedom.


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments The adventure doesn't end when they 'make a break for it.' That's when it really starts.

You don't really discuss the consequences of their decisions. "A program that could mean the eventual survival of man and lead to their freedom" seems rather nebulous.


message 3: by Kevin (new)

Kevin Carlin | 28 comments Sounds like a fun read. My biggest complaint is the echoes of the word "that" in the first and last paragraphs.

The first sentence is a bit of a run-on, and "turns into a day that could change" has a potentially redundant phrase. "Decide to celebrate" is also unnecessarily wordy. What about:
After their first year of uni, Joe and Harriet celebrate with a hike, but when they're stalked by a jealous classmate, they stumble into a cave that transports them to the future.

I agree with Keith that making a break for it is the beginning of the adventure, not the end.

It does sound like a fun concept, though. I'm a sucker for time travel stories. Good luck!


message 4: by Gail (new)

Gail Griffiths | 12 comments Thanks guys, I will work on it. It was not a well thought out blurb.. I will have to do what I've often seen Keith suggest..."get angry and then write it." I'm getting to that point.


message 5: by Gail (new)

Gail Griffiths | 12 comments I'll try this one again. I will probably write an entirely new blurb later. Based on your comments, here's the change:

Blurb:
After their first year at university Joe and Harriet celebrate the start of summer vacation with a hike. It's a day that will change their lives forever.
A rejected classmate stalks them until they get away and take cover in a cave that transports them into the future.
They land inside of a biotech research building where they are caught, interrogated and then locked up. For the next two months, they find out what’s in store for the past, and for the future. They make new friends and face old enemies. They escape once but must return, to plead for access to the portal to go home. The head of the facility offers them their freedom but only if they agree to take part in a diabolical scheme to save future generations. The price is too high and with the help from an unexpected friend; they plot a second escape.


message 6: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments I think better. I suggest changing

"A rejected classmate stalks them until they get away and take cover in a cave that transports them into the future."

to

"A rejected classmate stalks them. They take cover in a cave that transports them into the future."


Also, you should put blank lines in between each paragraph as in my browser all are run together into a single blob.

And I suggest breaking up the final paragraph.


message 7: by Gail (new)

Gail Griffiths | 12 comments Will do, that is so helpful. You're the best thanks for your help.


message 8: by Nena (new)

Nena | 3 comments How important is the rejected classmate to the story? Do we need to know about them in the blurb? It seems like the rest of the story takes place in the future, thereby cancelling the need for knowing ahead of time what/who it is that chases them into that cave. Maybe just say "After their first year at university Joe and Harriet celebrate summer in the wilderness. Stalked during a hike, they seek shelter in a cave that transports them into the future..."


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