Beta Reader Group discussion

19 views
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Blurb Help: Urban Fantasy

Comments Showing 1-3 of 3 (3 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

Hello. I have created a new blurb for my Urban Fantasy story to try out. I was told to make a new post instead of editing the old one. Here is the blurb.

"Tyler is like many other people. Directionless. Lost. Looking for some kind of purpose at the great crossroads of life. But like so many others, he is left clueless.

That is, until, he encounters Stephen. A man who is from a mystical race of Magi that have been long forgotten to the sands of time. They are a powerful race, wielding elemental powers that could be akin to that of gods.

Tyler learns that he is a crossbreed. The offspring of a Magi and a Human. Blessed with the magical powers of the Magi and the intelligence of a human. Making him the perfect candidate to serve as one of many ambassadors to help bring the Magi back into the world of humans without another war breaking out.

Thus, he has the purpose he has been looking for. One which can affect the world on a global scale.

But when disaster strikes and someone close to Tyler is killed, he must flee the country for just a chance at survival.

Yet unbeknownst to him and everyone else, there is a great threat looming over the world."

Does this blurb draw you in? Does it make you want to check out this story? If not, any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to check this out.


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1166 comments I meant add it to your previous thread. As opposed to editing your original post, which is what some people do.

It's still on the long side, at 186 words (the supposed sweet spot is 100-150 words). You start with your MC, but it's with a big fat yawn. Amazon, et. al., typically only show the first sentence or so of your blurb, the reader has to click on something to read the rest. So ask yourself, would _you_ click on this if that's all you saw?

"Tyler is like many other people. Directionless. Lost. Looking for some kind of purpose at the great crossroads of life. But like so many others, he is left clueless."

You're still not telling us much about the stakes or obstacles. We know more about the MC, but, at least for me, it's hard to imagine him leaping from shiftless and lazy to ambassador of the Magi. And, again perhaps just for me, the idea that the human half is the smart half makes me think the Magi are morons, since I know humans very well and the average is barely qualified to ties his shoes.

I assume the "great threat looming over the world" is revealed pretty early in the story, so put it in the blurb. BTW, if it's not, then you may have larger structural issues with your story and need the help of a developmental editor.

Same with the disaster, tell us what it is. It'll give us a sense of what your MC is up against.

I took some creative liberties and came up with this (118 words, so some room for elaboration):



Tyler is half human, half Magi. But he doesn’t know this and has been living a purposeless life as a consequence.

Then Tyler meets Stephen, a full Magi, who lays it all out. Magi wield elemental powers, akin to gods. Tyler combines the best of both worlds and Stephen wants him to act as an ambassador to bring the two worlds back together.

Without bloodshed. Without war. Because the Magi want back to Earth, to be released from exile.

As Tyler works toward learning his new skills and his inherited culture, disaster strikes and he must flee the country just to survive.

There’s something larger than the looming war between humans and Magi. And Tyler is the key.


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Keith wrote: "I meant add it to your previous thread. As opposed to editing your original post, which is what some people do.

It's still on the long side, at 186 words (the supposed sweet spot is 100-150 words)..."


Hey! I apologize for taking so long to reply. I've been busy with some stuff.

For your suggestions, I've thought about them and I'll see how I want to change the blurb, but I probably won't make any major changes until I get some more feedback.

Thank you for your help thus far.


back to top