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The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love
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Smart Girl's Guide > Reading Set 6: Chapters 10, 11, & Conclusion

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Zyriel | 31 comments Target reading for Set 6 is pages 194 - 236, which is Chapter 10. Find Your Tribe, Chapter 11. Polyamory: The Next Frontier and Conclusion: Going Within and Going Beyond


Zyriel | 31 comments * Pg 194 Finding Your Tribe - I love her examples of some of the people she found on dating apps. Good cross section and very amusing.

* Pg 195 Finding Your Tribe - It's interesting that she uses Tribe as a synonym for Community that she likes better. To me, Community is broader than Tribe. Tribe is smaller, more close knit, and more chosen.

* Pg 196 Finding Your Tribe - Dedeker indicates she hasn't met anyone who wasn't totally miserable when doing parallel polyamory, or when keeping their given family separate from chosen family. That only reflects to me that she hasn't gotten enough exposure to people who do these things.

* Pg 198 Finding Your Tribe - I like her advice on Transparency. I think she hits all the points I'd want someone to hear if they're new or struggling with dating.

* Pg 202 Finding Your Tribe - I also appreciate her advice to let people know when you're interested, and not play traditional gender role games and hard to get. This is really important.

* Pg 203 Finding Your Tribe - I appreciate Dedeker's take on Cowboys. Generally people don't set out with a cognizant premeditated notion to do something like this, they're not /trying/ to rope off a non-monogamous person from the heard as a specific action. And I like that she points out that poly people do it too, although I've heard them referred to as Sharks rather than cowboys.

* Pg 204 Finding Your Tribe - Likewise I like Dedeker's advice on Poly-prenticing, which I've heard referred to as sherpaing as well. Specifically, that while you'll be this person's initial exposure, making sure you aren't their only exposure, encouraging them to do their own learning and gain experience and hear voices outside of yours, is important.

* Pg 207 Finding Your Tribe - Good advice about metamours, don't wait for them to lead... reach out and say hello. While I don't love her hard "6 months is too late" statement, because I think it really depends on the relationships, I appreciate that she speaks to how to feel this out. Just today a new metamour reached out to me to say "hello, let us imbibe a liquid at the same location". She and my partner have been dancing around a relationship for a couple of months. And honestly her reaching out tells me something about her intent and level of interest and it warms my heart.

* Pg 223 The Next Frontier - Dedeker discusses how (and a bit of why) polyamorists are often referred to as selfish. This has always befuddled me. Selfishness is about not sharing, about having something to yourself and not allowing others to have it, or about doing something for yourself that you either won't do for others or won't allow to be done for others. I've never been able to fathom how that can be applied to someone living non-monogamously.

* Pg 224 The Next Frontier - I'm glad Dedeker mentions some alternatives to marriage for gaining rights to shared resources, or to advocate for others. While tax breaks for the married isn't actually a thing, there are other areas such as insurance, that are. My opinion is that it makes the most sense to treat individuals as individuals, and it makes the question of what sorts of entities or groups should get discounts moot. But I'm much more interested in topics like access to partners in crisis. Who gets called when someone is injured, incapacitated? Who gets to make decisions for someone who can't make them? How can we name those people effectively and how can we normalize this and make this information readily accessible to healthcare providers?

* Pg 230 The Next Frontier - Dedeker talks about the phenomenon of people thinking that a woman's presence in a sex positive environment is her up-front consent to sex. And I think this mirrors how I feel about talking about sex with someone I'm unsure I wish to have sex with. That doing so, going into that environment with them, could be perceived as up-front consent.

* Pg 235 Conclusion - I like both the sentiment and phrasing of this, "Continue a dogged pursuit of abandoning hand-me-down cultural assumptions..."


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