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The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love
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Smart Girl's Guide > Reading Set 2: Chapters 2 & 3

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Zyriel | 31 comments Target reading for Set 2 is pages 20 - 57, which is Chapter 2. From Tribal Living to Sacred Cuddling Parties: The Unwritten History of Polyamory
& Chapter 3. Gnothi Seauton: How to Know Yourself Inside and Out


message 2: by Zyriel (last edited Apr 07, 2019 07:40PM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

Zyriel | 31 comments * Pg 22 Tribal Living - I appreciate that she calls out the non-monogamous aspects of many "holy celebrities" in the bible. I've always wondered how Christians reconcile this. Incidentally, I hear that her Drunk Bible Study podcast is a hoot if this type of thing interests you.

* Pg 23 Tribal Living - Dedeker points out that neither of our closest ape relatives are monogamous by nature. I knew as much about bonobos but I overlooked that about Chimpanzees.
* She goes on to talk about the assumption that women use monogamy to bag a man, and men use monogamy to ensure they're only caring for their own genes being passed on. In addition to her point about tribal living meaning a parent doesn't specifically need a pair bonded person to help care for their children, they have a family and even a tribe to help with this, I want to point out that some cultures don't recognize a 1:1 causation between sperm and child and assuming that our ancestors did inserts our current understanding of biology into their culture.

* Pg 26 Tribal Living - So, what I hear Dedeker saying is that monogamy is patriarchal.

* Pg 30 Tribal Living - I have never heard of the Bloomsbury Group and I'm extremely happy that I have now.

* Pg 35 Tribal Living - I have never heard this etymology for the word compersion and I wish she'd sited her source on that.

*Pg 36 Tribal Living - Franklin Veaux is conspicuously missing from the Internet Age section and is, in my opinion, a clear fore-runner in this realms with one of the oldest polyamory websites.

* Pg 40 Gnothi Seauton - "Self-awareness is the process of bringing the why and how to the surface, and it is a necessary step before effective communication." I like the directness and truth of this statement.
* I have seen the term deconstruction used, particularly in association with seminars or with some spiritual types of events but I didn't really understand it in the way she describes it; as a way to look within and take the insides apart to see how things work. This helps, as a term, and understanding how others are using it.

* Pg 45 Gnothi Seauton - Dedeker jokes about tax breaks for married couples and I'm both amused and annoyed because this is a myth. And it sucks that it keeps getting propagated and that people, at least outwardly, even use it as a reason to get married.

* Pg 46 Gnothi Seauton - Dedeker talks about how we were raised being a pivotal part of how we communicate and the importance of being aware of this. I realized in my twenties how much of my personality, communication being the center of that but also reactions and thinking patterns, were derived directly from my mother and how unpleasant I found those features, how much I didn't want to embody them. That's where my own deconstruction began and I have come so very very far that I no longer associate my core communication and personality as being derived from my upbringing. Pieces yes, I still discover them and still work on them, but not my core.

* Pg 46 Gnothi Seauton - On the topic of Spewers and Chewers. I like Dedekers description of bursting with feelings because I have observed how this plays into physical jittery wiggly-ness in a spewer in my life. She's also dead-on about me as a chewer. Saying things in the right way is vital to me, as well as making my best effort to say whats true, to not be wrong about what I'm saying, which means evaluating it heavily first.
One thing I've learned as a chewer in a relationship with a spewer is to not take everything that is said as the absolute truth of what that person thinks or feels, but instead more like them pulling a bunch of clothes out of a drawer to figure out what's what for an outfit.
I've also found, mostly been lead to by my spewer, that just saying I'm thinking on it and want to come back to it is effective and usually satisfying for the spewer, although not always if the topic is very anxious making.

*Pg 48 Gnothi Seauton - I like her perspective of "proactively" that's a good succinct way of saying "before it's material" which is what I tend to use.

* Pg 53 Gnothi Seauton - I appreciate that she points out that jealousy is not the other person's fault nor something they can fix, it comes from within. And I also like that she points out how jealousy can drive people away when you most want them to stay. "No amount of reassurance from someone else can change the negative opinions you hold about yourself.”


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