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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Post-Apocalyptic/Dystopian

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message 1: by Robert (new)

Robert | 14 comments ***This comment is for moderator Dwayne. This is for a new book please don't archive it. This is not the same one I was working on before. If we are limited to one blurb thread for all of works, it was not indicated as such in the rules.***

I would appreciate some extra eyes on this blurb. Thanks in advance.

A virus… Chaos… Devastation…

When rumors of biological experimentation in Syria were confirmed, the world's nations had no choice but to end it. The Syrian War proved brutal, but coalition forces prevailed, bringing a swift end to the conflict. But when Thomas and other soldiers returned home, a dormant virus came with them.

Once the Almawt virus hit, human populations were decimated—very few were immune to its touch. Modern societies collapsed and survivors scrambled to sort through the violence and disorder.

Now, two years since the last victim perished, Thomas finds himself serving as a Guard within the Second Alliance--a determined, paramilitary organization charging itself with establishing order. In this short period after the virus, the Second Alliance has initiated humanity's slow crawl toward normalcy. The problem, not everyone shares their vision of restoring light to this dark world.

That darkness lies within the Butcher, a man that leads a group of sex traffickers that trade their victim's decency for necessary resources. To the Second Alliance, this cannot stand. Every human life is necessary for the survival of the human race. The Butcher escaped once before. Thomas has been summoned to ensure it doesn't happen again.


message 2: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4270 comments Mod
Robert wrote: "***This comment is for moderator Dwayne. This is for a new book please don't archive it. This is not the same one I was working on before. If we are limited to one blurb thread for all of works, it..."

It starts pretty much the same as the other blurb, and you didn't put the title of the book in the subject line as per Ann's instructions and with the talk of the Almwat virus and the Second Alliance, I had no way of knowing this is a different book.


message 3: by Dan (new)

Dan LaBash | 24 comments Possibly shorter sentences that smack like punches?

It was the end of the Syrian war, but the start of something much worse. When the Almawt virus hit, human populations were decimated. Thomas serves to establish order within the chaos. The Butcher exploits it. And the whole of humanity is at stake when these differing worldviews collide.


message 4: by Robert (new)

Robert | 14 comments Dan wrote: "Possibly shorter sentences that smack like punches?

It was the end of the Syrian war, but the start of something much worse. When the Almawt virus hit, human populations were decimated. Thomas ser..."


I really like the sound of that, but that reads more like an advertisement than a blurb to me. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems kind of short. I may try and incorporate your first sentence into it. That was an idea me and the wife were trying to put in but didn't know how to word it. I think you nailed it.


message 5: by Dan (new)

Dan LaBash | 24 comments Maybe I am wrong, I tend to the think of the back of book blurb as an advertisement. The only one we will get free forever!

If you liked any part of that, I will stop while I am ahead. Good luck!


message 6: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1101 comments It sounds much like many other books about viruses and post-apocalypse. So you might try saying what is different about it or approach the blurb differently. Thomas is important but he shows up kind of late in the blurb. You could start with him, get me interested in him:

Thomas is five foot seven, one hundred fifty pounds. His nemesis is the "Butcher," a six foot seven, three hundred pound sex trafficker. Thomas has an excellent chance of being annihilated. But what the Butcher does not know or suspect is that Thomas, having survived the Almwat Virus is xxxxx.

And then talk a little bit about the virus.

I'm looking for what makes this different.


message 7: by Magnus (new)

Magnus Stanke (magnus_stanke) | 173 comments i'd agree with what's been said above. The blurb was way too long, and M.L.'s point about making it sound different also holds water. I really like the sentence 'Thomas has an excellent change of being annihilated' - makes it stand out


message 8: by Jannik (new)

Jannik (jann1k) | 19 comments As pointed out before the first paragraph reads very generic, and most of all it is unspecific. For example, you write that the world's nations had to step in — what nations? What coalition was active in the war, was it the UN or are we in a futuristic setting with a world government?
Also, is it even necessary for readers to know who was involved in the Syrian war or do we just need to know that it was a devastating event when the virus got out?

If things are as I think they are, I suggest you get rid of the first paragraph altogether and try to incorporate the info about the Syrian war in passing somewhere else.

Regarding Thomas: Are Guards some kind of special enforcer or are they literally just guards? If he is some kind of elite unit I'd try to convey that in the blurb, otherwise, it seems strange that Thomas gets summoned to deal with the butcher — which sounds a bit hitman-ish.

___________________

Maybe this helps a bit:

Humanity has been decimated.

Nobody expected their troops to bring death back home with them — least of all Thomas, one among many returning soldiers. But when the Almawt virus got out of Syria chaos followed in its wake. Modern societies collapsed and only the lucky few who are immune to the virus are left to scramble in its violent remains.

Two years after the last victim has perished, Thomas is a guard with the Second Alliance trying to establish order where it is possible.... and so on.


message 9: by Robert (new)

Robert | 14 comments Still trying to perfect this blurb building thing. The current one hasn't performed too poorly, but I'm looking for something that will not it out of the park!

Old Blurb:

A virus… Chaos… Devastation…

Once the Almawt virus hit, human populations were decimated—very few were immune to its touch. Modern societies collapsed and survivors scrambled to sort through the violence and disorder.

Now, two years after the virus burned out, Army veteran, Thomas Ricard finds himself serving within the Second Alliance—a determined, paramilitary organization that has brought relative stability to the few survivors in the region.

It’s only when an old nemesis reemerges to challenge their way of life that Thomas is pulled from the ranks to lead a strike team against the threat—a threat that exists far beyond the Second Alliance’s area of influence.

In order to secure his future, Thomas must step up and cast aside the troubles of his past in order to ensure the threat doesn’t slip away again.

New Blurb:
A virus… Chaos… Devastation…

Once the Almawt virus hit, human populations were decimated—very few were immune to its touch. Modern societies collapsed and survivors scrambled to sort through the violence and disorder.

Now, two years after the virus burned out, Army veteran, Thomas Ricard finds himself serving within the Second Alliance—a determined, paramilitary organization that has brought relative stability to the few survivors in the region.

When an old nemesis reemerges, Thomas is tasked with leading a strike team against the threat. If he succeeds, his family's future within the organization will be secured. If not, failure means a swift transfer, which is bad enough, but the loss of his adopted son to the Second Alliance's conditioning program would be devastating.


message 10: by K.C. (new)

K.C. Herbel (k_c_herbel) | 118 comments Some marked improvement.
1st paragraph: remove "A" so it just reads, "Virus… Chaos… Devastation…"

2nd paragraph: (minor suggestions) Remove "Once" at beginning. "The Almawt virus hit, and human populations were decimated - .." Consider your word choice "sort through" near end of first paragraph is vague and lacks action. Can you make it more meaningful and active?

3rd paragraph: Take out "Now," at start of paragraph. We can assume it's now. Also, I think you can remove "relative". These kinds of words usually weaken or dull prose.

4th paragraph: I'm not crazy about "old nemesis" and "the threat" over "the Butcher" for impact. Consider revising this sentence to "When the Butcher reemerges, Thomas must lead a strike team against his old nemesis. Also, consider rewriting the second and third sentences to something more like...
"A successful mission will secure his family's future, but failure could cost him his son ..."

Two last questions: why did you say "human populations were decimated." Were humans the only creatures affected? Is that a distinction that is important to the story? And lastly, decimate can mean to kill 1 in 10. Is this the meaning you were after? Not really that critical if you meant more - we'll get it.

Hope that helps!
KC


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