Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
>
Query help! - Coming-of-age YA Suspense Fiction
date
newest »
newest »
Your blurb is 'too long' at 276 words when the supposed sweet spot is 100-150. You should use quotes or capitalization to represent titles as you can't count on an email viewer to correctly display any rich text effects.Your blurb seems OK to me, beyond being too long and not having enough white space. I think you could preserve what you have and cut the words close in half with some consideration.
For instance, your first paragraph rewritten (note I changed the meaning of the first sentence, it felt wrong to me):
17-year-old Abigail never use to let anything get her down. Then traumatic events trigger nightmares and panic attacks that to depression. Abigail’s mother insists on therapy, which gives her a diagnosis: PTSD and Agoraphobia. Treatment: exposure therapy. Surprise! It begins to work. At Ma’s encouragement, Abigail gets a job.
Keith wrote: "Your blurb is 'too long' at 276 words when the supposed sweet spot is 100-150. You should use quotes or capitalization to represent titles as you can't count on an email viewer to correctly display..."I came up with this. I want to keep it in present tense though.
17-year-old Abigail never lets anything get her down. But when a recent traumatic incident triggers nightmares and panic attacks that send her spiraling into depression, her mother insists on therapy. The diagnosis? PTSD and Agoraphobia. Treatment: exposure therapy. Abigail's opinion? Ugh, fine, if it will ease Ma's mind. Much to her surprise, therapy defies her expectations.
Repressed memories surface, raising questions surrounding her past. While she isn’t entirely sure she wants to find answers, they could be the key to revealing what's causing her agoraphobia and panic attacks. Abigail’s recovery hinges on allowing certain walls to crumble. First, she must face painful truths not only about herself, but also the dangerous secrets her mother hid all these years. Secrets that might be linked to her memories and a man from America that wants her Ma dead. If she isn't careful, her pursuit of the truth may get them killed.
I think you need more white space, to break the paragraphs up. And shorten/break up your sentences. The idea is to draw the reader in and long blocks of text tend to turn people off.Also, short, choppy sentences create a sense of anxiety while long drawn out sentences tend to slow the reader's heart rate down.
WRT your first sentence, does the story start before or after her traumatic incident? To me, 'recent' means in the past. If the incident was in the past, then her never letting things get her down must also be in the past.
Keith wrote: "I think you need more white space, to break the paragraphs up. And shorten/break up your sentences. The idea is to draw the reader in and long blocks of text tend to turn people off.Also, short, ..."
well this is for a query letter. The entire query letter with that is 247 words and that includes the meta data, comp titles, greeting, closing, etc. All that at only 247 words. I'm not understanding what you mean by white space? That part is to query literary agents. I have to include certain information regarding the plot and it can't be more than 2 paragraphs while being at least 150 words.
White space doesn't add words at all, so I'm not sure what you're asking. Dense blocks of text are harder to read than shorter paragraphs. Long sentences slow the reader down while short ones speed the reader up. Word count stays essentially the same.The query is to tease the agent into asking for your MS. You generally get around 10 seconds to lure the agent into spending another 30 seconds to finish reading your query. If they aren't interested at this point, you're done. If they're interested, they'll read any other information they asked for (don't send anything else unless they've asked for it). If they're still interested, they'll request the MS. The query is only a tool to get an MS request, it has no other purpose. The more interesting and exciting you can make the blurb the more likely you'll get an MS request (and a book sale, if you publish, self or otherwise). While effective blurbs are formulaic - much like queries, they also can written in endless effective ways. I'm making suggestions based on my opinions, being a reader for a half century and on researching how to write blurbs and queries for my own books. The simple reality is that which works is good, everything else is bad. What you have may work, in which case all my advice is useless. But you get one chance per agent (and sometimes agency) and it's a remarkably small world once you start exploring it, so realistically there are probably only a few dozen to a max of maybe 50 agents that are a fit for your work. Only you can decide when you're ready to send out your query.
Gotcha. And I just didn't know in general what you meant about white space. I've never heard that term before. I did realize what you meant about me including the word "recent". I deleted that. What's your feedback on the updated bit? I'm having trouble cutting it down anymore than this without losing important info that ties everything together.
Your version is 149 words, mine is 136, but shortens sentences and adds white space:17-year-old Abigail never lets anything get her down. Then a traumatic incident triggers nightmares. And panic attacks. She spirals into depression.
Her mother insists on therapy. The diagnosis: PTSD and Agoraphobia. Treatment: exposure therapy.
Abigail's opinion? Ugh, fine, if it will ease Ma's mind. Much to her surprise, therapy defies her expectations.
Until repressed memories surface, raising questions surrounding her past.
While she isn’t entirely sure she wants to find answers, they could be the key to revealing what's causing her agoraphobia and panic attacks.
Abigail must face painful truths not only about herself, but also the dangerous secrets her mother hid all these years.
Secrets that might be linked to her memories and a man from America that wants her Ma dead.
If she isn't careful, her pursuit of the truth may get them killed.
It's up to you if you think that's a useful direction go to or not.
I actually like it! Except how broken up it is. Based on what I learned from agents, editors, etc., and as far as I know, the query should consists of 3-4 total paragraphs. I'd have to condense that into two paragraphs to make it work for the query. I could be wrong though. Regardless I actually like it. Thank you!
Use whatever works for you, and good luck!
Thank you in advance!
Dear __,
17-year-old Abigail never lets anything get her down. But when a recent traumatic incident triggers nightmares and panic attacks that send her spiraling into depression, her mother insists on therapy. The diagnosis? PTSD and Agoraphobia. Treatment: exposure therapy. Abigail's opinion? Ugh, fine, if it will ease Ma's mind. Much to Abigail’s surprise, therapy does work though. It's only been a month, yet she's already built up the courage to stay out of the house for longer than the five-minute drive to counseling. In an effort to keep her progress moving forward, her mother suggests getting a job. Ah, enfer. But anything for her Ma.
Working does have a bright side. An exuberant freckle-faced red-head named Erianne that she meets on her first day. Erianne's take-no-crap disposition and carefree style grab her attention. As they bond over their mutual disgust of their pervy boss, her infectious buoyant Irish charm softens Abigail's tough exterior. But the discovery of her ulterior motives leaves Abigail horrified. Erianne’s working for criminals that have been hired to kill her Ma.
Therapy begins to defy her expectations as repressed memories surface, raising questions surrounding her past. While she isn’t entirely sure she wants to find answers, they could be the key to revealing what's causing her agoraphobia and panic attacks. Abigail’s recovery and her Ma’s safety hinges on allowing certain walls to crumble. First, she must face painful truths not only about herself, but also the secrets her mother hid all these years. Secrets that might be linked to her memories and the man that wants her Ma dead. If she isn't careful, her pursuit of the truth may get them both killed.
DEATH 2 MY PAST is an 82,000-word coming-of-age YA Suspense fiction set in Rouen, France. It will appeal to fans of Gayle Forman, Dana Mele, and Karen M. McManus and delivers a surprising twist like Megan Miranda's Come Find Me. The mental health content comes from my own experience with it as a teen. I am active in the Twitter writing community and keep up to date on all pitch events and industry news while building my platform. Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Angelia Bailey