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message 1: by Noor (new)

Noor Amgad (nooramgad) | 16 comments Heyy guys. I had a question about domestic violence and who better to consult then you guys. So I know of a case of domestic violence, and it really stresses me out. What should I do?

message 2: by Pam (new)

Pam | 1080 comments Mod
It's very tricky, so I understand your confusion and concern.

There are a couple of resources available if you are the abused individual. If you are not, then it can become even more complicated. Also services provided differ depending on your location.

If you are in the US:
- https://www.thehotline.org/
- https://abuseintervention.org/help/fr...

Women's shelters
multicultural associations
women's centers
local YWCA
telephone crisis lines,
legal aid offices
doctors or public health nurses
social workers
religious centers like mosques, churches, synagogues etc. Most faith leaders are trained or know of services to recommend to the person in trouble.

I hope this helps.

message 3: by Noor (new)

Noor Amgad (nooramgad) | 16 comments No I am not the abused one. But there is a problem. I am just 16, and I can't intervene in these issues. plus, I am of an Egyptian upbringing even though I don't comply with most of their social "rules." also, the woman is from Egypt. she came and spook with us. she told us she can't have the divorce she wanted because in Egypt a woman is regarded immoral if she leaves her husband's house. she may not marry again, and she has no means of support because she doesn't work. so it is very tricky.

message 4: by Elizabeth (new)

Elizabeth (makbeta) | 11 comments Noor wrote: "No I am not the abused one. But there is a problem. I am just 16, and I can't intervene in these issues. plus, I am of an Egyptian upbringing even though I don't comply with most of their social "r..."

Dear Noor,

I'm so sorry that you are in a tough situation. My heart goes out to you and the person being abused. I understand how helpless and stressful it can be. :-(

Ever if you were an adult, the reality is that only the person who is a abused can take action and change their own life. It's important to remember that the responsibility and the agency is not yours to take.
Usually the abused person feels that the world is against them and they are all alone in the world, that's one of many reasons that could keep them from leaving abusive relationship. I think the best you can be is believe in the person, be there for them, help them see their own strengths, guide them to live from that strength. Let them know that they are never alone, especially if they decided to leave the abusive relationship. Remember to be kind to yourself and and to take care of yourself in this tough situation. Be the support system for the abused person and encourage them to seek out more resources and perhaps professional help but only if you are able and not overloading yourself. Let them know that there is a wider world out there and she can find people who will support her in Egyptian community and outside of it.

I would also recommend seeking professional counseling for yourself and guiding the abused to do the same. Domestic violence has huge repercussion no matter how close or far we are from it. It never hurts to get extra nurturing.

I really wish I could take away your pain and the person facing domestic violence, sadly, it's not an option. I hope that these words provide you with some support and encouragement.


message 5: by Noor (new)

Noor Amgad (nooramgad) | 16 comments I am so thankful for these encouraging words. I hope that I will always support her and support the other women that are in a situation like this. I am trying to seek professional psychological assistance because everything nerves me and makes me stress out. I am so thankful once again, and I will try my best to give her advice.

message 6: by Benarji (new)

Benarji Anand | 153 comments There are state protections in Egypt. I just googled that. Get her help. It is not healthy for both. Domestic violence only tends to get worst. It's better to be divorced than dead. There are plenty more aspects to life than just marriage.

If she's not happy, then she should strongly consider leaving him. Remarriage and work is another issue. It won't be hard to find a job. I'm sure that she still have living family members who can help her to get back on her feet.

Else, leave her be. Cut your contact from her. It would only get messy from there on forth. Getting more involved will only invite unwanted trouble on yourself. You don't need to bear such responsibility at your age.

Just my humble opinion.

message 7: by Sam (new)

Sam Tindal | 10 comments I have been through DV and it was terrifying and very lonely. I agree with the person who told you to be there and believe in the abuse victim. Two different friends of mine went about trying to help me in two different ways.
One said to me you’re going to die if you stay with him.
Leave him /didn’t offer me a bed or floor/ didn’t have an answer for where I should go.
Get him beaten up and leave.
Tell him what a looser he really is beating up women. (She didn’t know if my partner was male or if I’m lesbian.
My other good friend came to visit me every time my partner went out without caring for her own safety. She was mentally very strong.
She made me cups of tea,
She told me how beautiful I could be if I was allowed to do my hair and makeup once more
She told me I was funny sweet clever nice kind and told others that I had problems.
She took me to her gym and even got her ‘sugar daddy’ to pay my monthly membership for 3 months to help me build up some muscles. ( I was anorexic thin at the time)
She told me she had gone through the same. I started to love her and love our time together more than the time with my now ex.
. After
. I left my abuser after a 5 year relationship. One of my friends helped me in more ways than I can explain and I don’t think she really knew just how much she really helped. And later in her time of need I was able to return the favours.
She only once asked me why didn’t I leave earlier? And she answered herself saying she didn’t think I had stopped loving the person at first and I had zero confidence left .
If people really want to help in Dom.Violence I think everyone is slightly different and our needs are different. But I know that someone who gave me her time encouragement and support helped my confidence return.
She also muttered a few times to herself or her dogs something along the lines of “ why on earth was Sam attracted to that thing she’s with? “ “I wonder why everyone else can see how ugly inside and out that person is but my poor dear friend truly believes it is a nice person who loves her.”
I overheard her having conversations about my relationship with another neighbor who said she was fed up with my arguments waking her and her kid up. Which made me want to reach out to that neighbor too I did and soon I had a new friend. I hadn’t realised the arguments had affected someone else’s child and I started wanting to change things.
Slowly but surely I made those changes.
Unfortunately I’m single I think that made me become Asexual, I hope you decide to do what is right. Take time to say hello to your neighbor or maybe even just smile at her at first.
I hope you always keep your humbleness and your caring loving attitude you sound lovely.
Try not to stress your neighbor. Just be there if she reaches out to you . You sound really awesome 😎

message 8: by Sam (new)

Sam Tindal | 10 comments Sorry my comment is so long the topic is something I have gone through myself.

message 9: by Benarji (new)

Benarji Anand | 153 comments @Sam Tindal Wow! Must have been a nightmare. Losing confidence in an abusive relationship is normal and people usually stay for love but the longer that one stays in an abusive relationship, the more damaging it gets. Glad that you got that behind you for now.

I believe that sometimes people force themselves to endure the abuses because we think that we can change our spouse, that somehow our love and affection would somehow give them a heart. Hardly ever worked. No abusive person have ever woke up and realize that they are wrong. It have to be us who draw our inner strength to move and carry on. Sometimes it is good to recognize early signs and escape the torment.

Marital arguments are pretty normal in a healthy relationship as it balances the good and bad but if you find yourself to be on a constant receiving end of abuse, that's damaging. Anyways, just wanna say that you did good. You deserve better. Be stronger than yesterday. You are given a second chance at life. Make the best of your situation.

message 10: by Noor (new)

Noor Amgad (nooramgad) | 16 comments @Benarji Anand I am so thankful once again for what you said. I will be try advising her because I would never want to find myself in that position nor any women. We shouldn't be restricted from something because of the society and because of the financial aid.

message 11: by Noor (new)

Noor Amgad (nooramgad) | 16 comments @Sam Tindal I am so sorry you have been through these things in life. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. We even try not to treat animals like that. However, we treat humans like hell. The problem with domestic violence and all types of violence is that it changes the person mostly to the negative side of the things, and I don't want that to ever happen to anyone. My heart and prayers of strength go out to you. We are amazing, and you can do it. Your words have changed my views. I will make her a cup of tea and talk with her, but not now because I have my exams on. Thanks a lot for this tremendous support, and I knew I could depend on you guys.

message 12: by Elizabeth (last edited Dec 22, 2018 10:36PM) (new)

Elizabeth (makbeta) | 11 comments Benarji wrote: "There are state protections in Egypt. I just googled that. Get her help. It is not healthy for both. Domestic violence only tends to get worst. It's better to be divorced than dead. There are plent..."

Dear Benarji,
I find that your opinion has sound logic yet misses the complexities that underlie the domestic violence.
When the emotions are turned off it's easy to say, go get a job and call in the law. Yet, in practice it's not that simple because humans are not rational but emotional beings and law has it's limits. It's also harder for women who are socially conditioned to turn off their logic and turn on empathy and emotions. From a logical perspective it's easy to say, let it be, however, when the person has a fully working empathy it's not easy to walk away and to leave someone to suffer because the observer feels a degree of that pain.

The gender inequalities are very strongly pronounced in the situations of domestic violence and women are usually on the loosing end because they are physically weaker and are socially conditioned for emotions and not rationality.

I don't know if you read Eloquent Rage that's on the reading list this month but the author nails the situation. The most dangerous part of domestic violence can be the leaving. Staying may keep woman miserable but safer that leaving, often leaving will prompt violent rage and may cause death. There can be a benefit for one abuser keeping their victim alive and not so for another, so one may decide to kill the partner that stays and another to kill when the partner decides to leave. Again, there is no simple formula. :-( Law also has it's limits as no police will offer 24/7 protection to a domestic violence victim and at times that's exactly what's needed.

A woman that stays in the situation of domestic violence may aware to the degree of abuse and how bad the situation is. Usually they stay for a very strong, deep and valid emotional reasons, there may be a benefit they are getting, even though it can be unconscious. The abuser is usually also aware of that and uses that to control and manipulate the victim and keep them close. Women's response to the abuser is usually not just a thought construct but a physical response and usually the groundwork was laid in childhood. Sometimes the excuse that a woman may make for staying is not the true reason for staying because those reasons can be buried deeply in the subconscious as it was part of the childhood survival strategy. Walking away is not a rational decision when it feels like one is going against all their physical and emotional impulses. It can take years of even professional support for someone to leave the abusive relationship because it's not logical, it's not clear cut, it's NEVER simple. Financial, emotional and physical agency, ability to take action, is required and very often some or none of it is present in a person subjected to the abuse.

I agree, that Noor should take the loving care of herself first and foremost. However, turning a cold shoulder to someone is suffering can go against a persons values and can also lead to years of regret. Again, simple from a logical perspective, not so simple from the emotional perspective. I think it's very noble and compassionate of her to want to help and she can decide when it's time to walk away. I can only advise her to listen to her body, mind and emotions and decide what is the best course of action because we only see a tiny glimpse into the complexities of her life and even the smaller glimpse into the life of a person she is trying to support.

Because the situations are so different per person and the stakes are high I would recommend that any person dealing with domestic violence consults a qualified professional professional help. I know that often there can be limiting factors and finding support from other alternatives can be of help, this can include school counselors, clergy, online help groups, peer support groups, etc. The main advice is to get support and validation, find someone who says, you have the right to feel this way, it's ok to feel the way you do, you are not crazy or stupid.

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