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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Short Erotic Story - Japanese Lesson

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message 1: by Haru (new)

Haru Ichiban | 255 comments Trying to improve my novel's blurb, I tried for practice some about the first of a collection of short erotic stories that have been lurking about my ideas forever. This is the blurb for the first one, "Japanese Lesson". Is it good? It was so much easier to write than the ones for novels!

As a transfer student in Japan, Mia has been doing extremely well--except in writing. As per her teacher's suggestion, one of the other students should become her tutor in this matter. And who offers but mysterious and sensual Yu--whose unorthodox way of teaching includes a brush and chocolate sauce!

Your thoughts, please?

message 2: by Jay (last edited Dec 08, 2018 04:55PM) (new)

Jay Greenstein (jaygreenstein) | 234 comments First, beware the unnecessary adverbs like "extremely well. Since we don't know what classes she's taking, her grade-level, or anything about her, will the reader know if that means she's getting an A or if the school is building a statue in her honor? Mia needs help in one subject, which brings Yu into the picture. That's the point. So mention of what her grades are in other subjects serves no purpose other then to slow the narrative and dilute the impact.

And, do we care if the teacher suggested it, another student did, or if she simply asked him? No. So this, too, serves no useful purpose.

And, does "In this matter" add anything useful, given that we already know she needs a tutor in writing? No. Make implication work for you.

The last line doesn't seem to have a hard link to anything that an "and" would connect to, and needs clarifying. When you read it, you're treating the previous line as if it ends in a comma—something the reader doesn't know to do—and phrasing it so as to connect to him. But how you intend the line to be read doesn't make it to the page, and the reader has only that period as a guide. Have your computer read this aloud and you'll hear the uncertainty.

In other words, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze...edit, edit edit.

message 3: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4310 comments Mod
I'd like to see a little more about Yu. Mysterious doesn't tell me much. (And, yes, this seems like I'm joking, but I'm not).

message 4: by Magnus (new)

Magnus Stanke (magnus_stanke) | 173 comments ...matter. Along comes mysterious and sensual Yu whose skin-tingling ways of teaching with a brush and chocolate sauce she'll never want to unlearn.

message 5: by Haru (new)

Haru Ichiban | 255 comments Ahhh, I thought it had been too easy, *snaps fingers* At least it took little time! Thank you very much guys, I'll get to work again on this one after I complete the novel one.

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