Support for Indie Authors discussion

23 views
Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Fantasy/Post-Apocalyptic & Brothers of the Moon, Sisters of the Sun

Comments Showing 1-12 of 12 (12 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Nilendra (new)

Nilendra Fonseka | 9 comments Hi there,

Pretty new to the group, so hope I'm using this post correctly, apologies in advance if I am not :)

I am putting together an audiobook with some colleagues as a side project. It's at the beginning stages, but I thought I would hammer out a quick blurb just to get my bearings right, so I would love some criticism.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the distant future, the last of humanity has remained unseen and forgotten for decades.

A sickness has ravaged all living creatures except for a select few, immune species.

The diseased, still walk the earth, deformed, rabid, and blood thirsty…

Dux, the Alpha of the last grey wolves on Earth, leads a pack of his most seasoned soldiers from the safety of their home, to assist a neighbouring wolf pack under siege by a rabid horde of diseased bears, known as "Belua". Unknown to Dux and his warriors, a more sinister plot is in motion to unravel his pack, and there is more danger lurking in the dark, than the creatures of the night...


message 2: by David (new)

David | 4 comments Ooh... Atmospheric!


message 3: by Haru (new)

Haru Ichiban | 255 comments I have nothing against the blurb itself, but it reads as an extremely dark story. Is it supposed to be that way?


message 4: by Tomas, Wandering dreamer (new)

Tomas Grizzly | 721 comments Mod
What I wonder about after reading it a few times over is: wolves and bears - is it actually about beasts, or is it name of some unit/community? I am genuinely confused.

And, just maybe, how it ties into the name?


message 5: by G.G. (new)

G.G. (ggatcheson) | 2491 comments It's strong. Made me want to read it. Is telling the possible readers the name of the horde actually important or could you leave it to discover as we read?
Also I am no editor and I might be wrong but the comma before 'than' in the last sentence makes me pause which diminish the impact (for me at least).

Good work!


message 6: by Nilendra (new)

Nilendra Fonseka | 9 comments V.M. wrote: "Strong. I would make the last sentence into 2 separate ones for better impact."

That's actually a really good suggestion, I separated them and it read better. Thank you V.M.!


message 7: by Nilendra (new)

Nilendra Fonseka | 9 comments Haru wrote: "I have nothing against the blurb itself, but it reads as an extremely dark story. Is it supposed to be that way?"

Hi Haru,

Thanks for your comment. Yes it is quite a dark story, I would describe the tone I am going for as "Watership down" meets "The Lion King".


message 8: by Nilendra (last edited Dec 06, 2018 04:25PM) (new)

Nilendra Fonseka | 9 comments Tomas wrote: "What I wonder about after reading it a few times over is: wolves and bears - is it actually about beasts, or is it name of some unit/community? I am genuinely confused.

And, just maybe, how it tie..."


That's an interesting observation, thanks for sharing! The story actually follows a pack of wolves who are the central characters of the plot.

You've got me in terms of the title - to be completely honest I haven't settled on a name just yet, so I just pinched a line from a poem one of the wolves repeats to his son as a place holder.

Funnily enough, when I speak to the voice over artists doing the characters we always refer to it as "Wolf Story", so I'd be tempted to just call it that, but feel like that's a bit too simple.


message 9: by Nilendra (new)

Nilendra Fonseka | 9 comments G.G. wrote: "It's strong. Made me want to read it. Is telling the possible readers the name of the horde actually important or could you leave it to discover as we read?
Also I am no editor and I might be wron..."


Thanks G.G., I really appreciate the feedback!

I'm actually quite torn about including the name of the horde on the Blurb - chiefly because the story begins mid-battle and the characters are referring to these bears as "Belua" from the get go. I haven't found an organic way to explain what the creatures are in the heat of the moment just yet, but I am playing with it to find a way.

Thanks for that note - at the back of my mind, I did find this part of the blurb a little clumsy, so I'll have to be mindful of that.


message 10: by Nilendra (new)

Nilendra Fonseka | 9 comments David wrote: "Ooh... Atmospheric!"

Thank you!


message 11: by Tomas, Wandering dreamer (new)

Tomas Grizzly | 721 comments Mod
Nilendra wrote: "Funnily enough, when I speak to the voice over artists doing the characters we always refer to it as "Wolf Story", so I'd be tempted to just call it that, but feel like that's a bit too simple."

Maybe some middle ground would be the best? "Wolf Story" hints more on what it's all about, based on your reply. Maybe build on that with something that'd tie better into the plot/genre?

Now that the 'beast thing' is cleared up, I wonder how it ties into the first sentence of the blurb? You mention last bits of humanity but not how they come into the plot of what seems to be the conflict of two sentient beast species.
I know I might not be the most helpful because I am likely still missing some point of the premise and pretty much guessing what kind of story it might be.

As for the look, I'd probably put the second and third line into one paragraph.


message 12: by M.L. (last edited Dec 07, 2018 09:07AM) (new)

M.L. | 1122 comments For post-apocalyptic it doesn't seem overly dark; they usually are. It's an interesting premise since it's between wolves and bears.

The first line mentions humans as unseen and forgotten for decades. That set up the question, are they coming back or going to figure into the story? If they're not part of the story you might eliminate that; if they are you might allude to it.

Also it could be tightened up a bit by word choice and punctuation. It sounds like a fun story.

Adding: I was not sure if wolves and bears were ravening human gangs or actual animals, and I think that's because of leading off with 'humans' in the first line and following it with zombie-like descriptions in the next two lines.


back to top