Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query help (book club fiction with romantic elements)
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Hello Tara,Flower Mound, eh? Got to wonder how that town got its name.
I caution you against making the same mistakes I did. You should have your MS polished and ready to send on a moment's notice if you get a request for it. After I queried (more than 10-15 times) and got no interest, I backed up and did what I suggest you do first, which is get developmental editing input. Good dev editors aren't cheap, but they can help you make great strides in improving your MS. There are simply too many authors querying today (or self publishing) for an agent/publisher to be willing to take on a project that isn't almost ready for publication. Publishers used to put in a lot of effort on a debut author, but now you're much more likely to get some proofing and put out with little fanfare.
I feel my MS is 10x better for having got the professional input. More than that, I think the input on my first novel has made all my others that much better as I write the first draft. Meaning, I think good dev editing will pay you back for the rest of your writing career.
OK, on to some specifics... Your query is a bit long at over 420 words. Less is more in queries as it is in blurbs. A good agent might get 500 queries each week and has to fit them in while doing all the other things a successful agent does, so you might get 5-10 seconds. If you don't hook the agent in that tiny window, you won't get the 30-40 seconds for them to read the whole thing, let alone look at your first chapter, synopsis, etc.
This:
"...but this is not one of those novels where the heroine takes a leap of faith and everything works out because, let’s face it, most of us never get the fairytale ending we were hoping for. Instead it’s contemporary story, full of delightful twists and turns to keep readers guessing right up until the end."
feels like talky fluff and, if you decide to leave it, should be well after the blurb.
Your blurb feels long to me, even though it's at 152 words (the supposed sweet spot is 100-150). The first paragraph (btw, you need more white space) does a pretty good job of introducing the character, but the second really doesn't tell me much. You start out your query saying your story has romantic and paranormal elements, yet you say nothing of the latter in your blurb. While I freely admit I'm not a regular romance reader, the idea that your MC can only find what she needs by cheating on her husband is likely to rub the demographic the wrong way.
You may get lucky and find an agent that loves your work and wants to support it, but you should know that the romance genre works by churning out lots of books and makes money on volume. It's highly unlikely that you'll get more than a few thousand dollars of marketing support (though, to be up front, those few dollars are highly leveraged, as the publisher already has a pipeline and a devoted reader base). Famous and proven authors get the personalized attention, and if you want that for your novel and writing career, you need to understand that only comes after you've fought the hard fight, and won. I'm not trying to depress you, just to reset your expectations. As such, I think your penultimate paragraph should simply be "Imbued with exotic adventure and sage advice, Rocky Road Sunday seeks to spark conversations and remind readers that one’s reality is only restricted by the limits of their own imagination."
You mention travel and marketing in your background. Professional? If so, elaborating on that might help pique an agent/publisher's interest. The bio section (which you really don't have) is there if you have something special about you that can sell books. Else, just leave it out, as you did.
Based on all my research, there is zero value in mentioning you've hired an editor. I also think you greatly dilute any potential interest by stating right in the query that you intend to self publish by the end of the year. It generally takes at least a year for a publisher to get a book to the shelf, after they've made the acquisition, so by telling the agent you not only want to acquire an agent, but a publisher AND have that publisher have it on the shelf in 3 months is, I feel, a guarantee that they won't read anything else.
There are pros and cons to self publishing vs conventional. The wording of your query makes me think you're better suited to diving into the self-publishing world. There are non-trivial up-front expenses (what the publisher usually pays for), but debut authors are generally largely on their own when it comes to promotion anyway, so your early success is typically in your own hands. Publishing is hard, and if there was any way to know which books were going to catch fire, the industry wouldn't lose money on 7 out of 10 and only break even on 2 of those 10.
Good luck!
Keith thank you for the detailed comments - I really appreciate you taking the time to break this down for me! And you've given me lots to think about.I totally agree with the need for an experienced editor and hired someone last week. My plan was to send out queries after the dev edit (and while working on the line edit) as one last hope before I go into debt self-publishing. That said, I will definitely remove the part about my plan to self-publish because you made some really valid points here too.
As for the romance/cheating thing you made another really interesting point that I hadn't realize. In the novel, the MC's husband leaves her and the "mysterious stranger" George" helps her get through it and becomes a romantic interest (I of course know this, but didn't realize how it might appear in the query and will certainly rewrite). Thanks for bringing this up!
As for flower mound, yup there's a random hill in town that it's named for. Very exotic. lol
Time to rewrite. Lots to think about! Thank you again!
Dear Ms. xx:
I'm reaching out to you because of your interest in contemporary book club fiction with romantic and supernatural elements. Rocky Road Sunday is an 84,000-word novel about motherhood, marriage, and one woman’s struggle to take back her life. Fans of Liane Moriarty and Laura Dave will love the in-depth examination of dysfunctional family dynamics and secret yearnings, but this is not one of those novels where the heroine takes a leap of faith and everything works out because, let’s face it, most of us never get the fairytale ending we were hoping for. Instead it’s contemporary story, full of delightful twists and turns to keep readers guessing right up until the end.
Kaitlyn Collins willingly traded her vagabond existence for the stability of marriage. But did she make the wrong choice? Entangled in a web of broken dreams and marital disputes, she finds herself yearning for her carefree, pre-mom life. It’s not that she hates being a mom. It’s just she had expected motherhood to be filled with warm and tender moments, strung together like a Hallmark card—whereas her life feels more like bad reality TV being played on an endless loop. And her husband’s constant critiques don’t help.
She’s teetering on the verge of despair. That is until she meets George, a mysterious older man who may just hold the key to her happiness. Inspired by George to rethink her life, she goes against her husband’s wishes and signs up for a writing and meditation retreat based in Cabo. She sets off with high hopes, but unexpected consequences of her journey await.
Imbued with exotic adventure and sage advice, Rocky Road Sunday seeks to spark conversations and remind readers that one’s reality is only restricted by the limits of their own imagination. I wrote to this story to bring awareness to the many mothers who suffer silently and alone in their depression, hoping to encourage and empower them. And I believe, with the right team behind it, Rocky Road Sunday will appeal not only moms but anyone who feels trapped by an overcommitted yet disconnected lifestyle.
I’ve included the first chapter below. If you’re interested in the complete manuscript, I’d be delighted to send it through. I’ve hired an editor to help me polish the novel and plan to either find an agent who is excited to represent this story, or self-publish by the end of the year. After spending years working in travel and marketing, I look forward to the chance to finally promote my own work.
Respectfully,