Fantasy Query ltr - Requesting Suggestions

[Kora]

This is my attempt at writing a query letter. I have tried not to turn this into a mini-synopsis but need advice as to what to add or subtract. Some tell me I have said too much awhile others say the opposite. I am confused and this letter is one of a hundred I have written and still I am not sure I have it right.

Dear----,

Naked and alone, KIRA ALEXI of Greystone must sign her life story while inside the Chamber of Solace, before she can receive the power to control the elements. Sign, because her jealous brother destroyed her ability to speak. Born in a misogynistic world Kira’s future is set in stone, and yet because of her brother’s madness and a prophecy, her simple life takes a strange turn.

After her heir-obsessed, father exiles her, the young six-year-old disguised herself as a boy hoping to escape and find her way home. Along the way, one misstep and she is captured and enslaved. The precocious youth is shipped to a foreign county where she was selected at random and trained as a warrior. As the property of an eastern warlord, the only way to freedom is to win a trial by combat.

Growing up as a slave proved to be harder than expected especially when her body begins to blossom. Always in fear of discovery Kira must keep her gender a secret or else face death.

Unbeknown to her, she was selected by an ethereal being to fulfill the prophecy and become the ‘Chosen One’ and destined to awaken the Guardians of Lemoore. Finding the Ring of Tor, began the first of many trials Kira must endure unaware she awakened an unspeakable evil that seeks to destroy her.

Completed at 100,000 words with series potential, THE RING OF TOR is a Fantasy which chronicles the adventures of a mute child born 5,000 years into our future.

As a Navy Veteran, I attended college, receiving a BBA and an associate degree in computer science. I worked in various fields until retiring to the wilds of Oregon to write. I am a voracious reader of historical and fantasy literature, and an active member of two critique groups. To hone my skills as a writer, I attend a weekly class in the craft of fiction and participate in several living history groups.

Thank you for your consideration. My manuscript is ready for your review.

[Keith]

Your blurb is 'too long' at 224 words when the supposed sweet spot is 100-150. I think it could be tightened up as-is, but believe you have larger issues.

The general value of the bio in your query is to give information about yourself that will make it easier for the agent to sell your MS to publishers and publishers to sell your book to readers. If what you have doesn't do that, then it probably is counter productive.

What you describe seems to be targeted toward middle grade (though 'young' six-year-old seems redundant). The target age group has a big impact on who you approach (agents and publishers), so you need to be sure in your mind who you are targeting. You don't mention an age range, which makes me think you haven't thought about this aspect. If you're targeting middle grade, then your novel is almost twice the recommended length for a debut, which is highly likely to result in echoing silence from agents who target MG. If you're targeting adult audiences (which your word count indicates), then you have to figure a way to sell the story in a way that will appeal for adults. Perhaps by making the story about a guardian rather than about the girl.

If you like, PM me and I can send you a link to a blog post where I discuss ways to approach writing blurbs.

Good luck!

[Kora]

This is my second attempt at writing a query letter, and still, I am not sure I have it right.

Dear----,

THE RING OF TOR is a Fantasy targeting YA/Adult. Image Game of Thrones meets a female Harry Potter add in a few twists and my adventure begins. Completed at 100,000 words with series potential, this chronicles the adventures of a mute child born in a misogynistic world 5,000 years into our future.

Kira’s future should have been set in stone. Marry whoever her father chose and bear her husband an heir. Yet because of a prophecy only her father knew, her simple life takes a strange turn.

Muted by her brother’s madness she is exiled and, after one misstep after another she is sold into slavery. The precocious youth is shipped to a foreign county where she was selected at random to train as a warrior. As the property of an eastern warlord, the only way to freedom is to win a trial by combat.

In order to survive Kira must keep up her ruse always in fear of her genders discovery. Growing up in slavery proved to be hard especially when her body begins to blossom.

Unbeknown to her, she was selected by an ethereal being to fulfill the prophecy and find the Ring of Tor. Thus began the first of many trials Kira must endure unaware she awakened an unspeakable evil that seeks to destroy her.

Thank you for your consideration. My manuscript is ready for your review.

[Keith]

Blurbs/synopses are always in present tense, you've got tense mixed up. And always be sure to get a proofer to go over it, you can't rely on your own eyes picking out problems.

You mention Kira's ruse before you explain it. That was confusing for me. Make liberal use of contractions as well.

Because of your military background and the importance of combat in your story, you can probably benefit by mentioning your background in a brief (perhaps one sentence) bio. Something like 'I portray combat realistically thanks to my x year career in the military.'

Overall I think it's a good improvement. I don't feel compelled though. Hopefully someone else can weigh in with ideas for strengthening your blurb.

[Kora]

I will take your comments and try harder. At least I am making an improvement. I realize I have a major problem regarding tenses (Old war wounds never heal right). I will have this proof before submitting it to anyone.