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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Mystery / Suspense / Military: Hole in the Bottom of the Sea

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message 1: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (last edited Aug 16, 2018 01:42PM) (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4356 comments Mod
Mitch Garrison lost his aircraft, his wings, and his best friend / worst enemy in a furball high above the Sông Mã River of North Vietnam.

*Raises eyebrows* Was he / she eaten by a flying kitten?

His only consolation? A secret died as well, a secret that could send him to the Portsmouth Naval Prison for life.

Okay. The promise of a dirty secret is always a good thing in a blurb.

Six years later, now Special Agent Garrison of the Naval Investigative Service finds himself in Naples, Italy tailing David Chase, a young flight officer who may - or may not - be smuggling kilos of Bekah Valley hash back to the States.

That's a lot of proper nouns in one sentence. Could be simplified. "Six years later, Garrison finds himself in Naples tailing a young flight officer who may be smuggling drugs into the United States."

While Mitch can’t tell if Chase is a player, he can definitely tell that David is making a move on Angie Autieri, his frenemy’s widow, undercover NIS agent, and the unrequited love of Mitch’s life.

Wordy. "David Chase, the flight officer, is also making moves on his friend's widow, the unrequited love of Garrison's life."

And just to make matters worse, Chase has learned his long ago secret.

Conflicts with what you said earlier about the dead secret.

P.S. As per the instructions for the workshop, please add the title of your book to the title of the thread.


message 2: by W.G. (new)

W.G. Garvey (wggarvey) | 19 comments Instantaneous response, very cool, Captain. Lemme see if I get some more, then I will contemplate and update as needed.


message 3: by W.G. (last edited Aug 17, 2018 01:07PM) (new)

W.G. Garvey (wggarvey) | 19 comments ORIGINAL BLURB Mitch Garrison lost his aircraft, his wings, and his best friend in a furball high above the Sông Mã River of North Vietnam. His only consolation? A secret died as well, a secret that could send Mitch to the Portsmouth Naval Prison for life. Six years later, now a Special Agent of the Naval Investigative Service, Mitch finds himself tailing David Chase, a young flight officer who may - or may not - be smuggling kilos of Bekah Valley hash back to the States. While Mitch can’t tell if Chase is a player, he can definitely tell that David is making a move on Angie Autieri, his friend's widow, undercover NIS agent, and the unrequited love of Mitch’s life. And just to make matters worse, Mitch suspects that Chase has learned that long ago secret.


message 4: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments The parts that I found interesting are: Song Ma River, North Vietnam: location.
Bekah Valley hash: never heard of it, it's a good detail and shows specific knowledge.
What kind of aircraft was it?
Okay, I like Tom Clancy :)

A secret died when Mitch Garrison's aircraft blew up over the Song Ma River, North Vietnam. He was smuggling ___ kilos of Bekah Valley hash. If found out, it meant a life time sentence in Portsmouth Naval Prison. But while the crash saved him from discovery, it killed his best friend.

If it was me, I would not put best friend/enemy. I want one or the other.


message 5: by W.G. (new)

W.G. Garvey (wggarvey) | 19 comments Thanks ML. I will contemplate changes


message 6: by W.G. (last edited Aug 17, 2018 01:27PM) (new)

W.G. Garvey (wggarvey) | 19 comments UPDATED BLURB 8-17-2018
Navy lieutenant Mitch Garrison lost his aircraft, his wings, and his best friend to a flight of MiGs high above the Sông Mã River of North Vietnam. His only consolation? A secret died as well, a secret that could send him to the Portsmouth Naval Prison for life. Six years later, now Special Agent Garrison of the Naval Investigative Service, Mitch finds himself in Naples tailing David Chase, a young flight officer suspected of smuggling kilos of Bekah Valley hashish back to the States. While Mitch can’t tell if Chase is a player, he can definitely tell that David is making a move on Angie Autieri, his friend's widow, undercover NIS agent, and the unrequited love of Mitch’s life. And just to make matters worse, Chase has learned the long-ago secret.


message 7: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments I'm curious about the word 'player.' Is this part of a larger operation? If it is, I think it's worth mentioning or maybe explaining: could David Chase be just a go-between and not know that he's carrying contraband? The reason I ask is because of his role, special agent with NIS. It sounds like part of a bigger picture which is often the case with special ops-type books.


message 8: by W.G. (new)

W.G. Garvey (wggarvey) | 19 comments The word 'player'. I can see the confusion. David is suspected of smuggling drugs, but is innocent - he carried the wrong backpack aboard ship after a week's 'leave' in Naples, Italy. Instead of gifts for the folks back home, it contained a couple kilos of hash. Unfortunately, the kid who swapped the backpacks immediately gets killed in a flight deck accident that wasn't all that accidental.
As to the 'special agent', that is Mitch Garrison, not David Chase. That might not have been clear enough.
Thanks for the thoughts,
BG


message 9: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments I think your blurb in post 6 is clear, it works. If the crux of the matter is how far Mitch Garrison will go to be sure his secret stays safe, you might give a hint about that since he has several reasons to get rid of David Chase. However, if Garrison is not thinking that way, he's going to be totally above board, not contemplating framing anyone/killing anyone, then I think it's fine as-is.


message 10: by W.G. (new)

W.G. Garvey (wggarvey) | 19 comments Thanks ML, I appreciate your help


message 11: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 58 comments There are too many proper nouns in the opening sentence. If I can't get past the first sentence (because that's the part that shows before you click for a full view) I usually don't bother with reading the blurb at all.
This came out harsher than I meant it to, sorry.

A. J.


message 12: by W.G. (new)

W.G. Garvey (wggarvey) | 19 comments No worries on sounding harsh - I've been screamed at by Marine Corp drill instructors, and lived to tell the tale.
I'm not certain of the ''too many proper nouns' comment, however. Does that really slow the reading down? I've never come across that before.


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