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message 1: by Ari (new)

Ari (cruelangel) | 42 comments Edith, Mabel and Wilma, best friends since grade school, died in a car crash while on vacation.

St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates and immediately began explaining the "rules."

"You are welcome to go anywhere you please, visit anyone you want but whatever you do, please don't step on the ducks. If you do, there will be consequences."

The three friends glanced around. Heaven was overrun with ducks of all shapes and sizes. They were EVERYWHERE. It seemed impossible to not step on one!

Vowing to look out for each other and the ducks, the three friends began exploring their new home in Heaven.

After three days, Edith stepped on a duck. Immediately, St. Peter arrived and handcuffed the ugliest man she'd ever seen to her wrist. "There," he proclaimed. "Edith, since you so carelessly stepped on one of God's ducks, you shall be shackled to this man for eternity." And then he disappeared.

Edith cried and her friends promised that it would be alright but the man was delighted to be shackled to her.

Two days later, Mabel stepped on a duck. Again, St. Peter appeared and handcuffed a withered, toothless man to her wrist proclaiming that they would be tied together for eternity. Mabel cried.

Wilma, not wanting to suffer the same fate as her dear friends, began walking slowly, keeping her head down so as to be careful not to step on a blasted duck.

Two weeks went by and Wilma had not stepped on a duck. She seemed to get the hang of it and the ducks were actually cooperating with her, sidestepping out of her way as she walked gently around Heaven.

One beautiful afternoon (all afternoons were beautiful in heaven) St. Peter appeared in front of Wilma. Without saying a word, he handcuffed a handsome man to her wrist. He was tall, with dark gently curling hair, brooding eyes and a body so fine she wanted to weep.

She began to cry and thank God for her good fortune. "Lord, thank you for this wonderful gift. I don't know what I've done to be so blessed."

Her gorgeous Eternity man turned to her and said, "I don't know about you, lady, but I stepped on a duck."

Who's next? (Not a original joke, I saw it from somewhere)

message 2: by [deleted user] (new)


What did the nut say to the other nut?

message 3: by Ava (new)

Ava Jones | 54 comments What?

Also, I saw this joke it was something like:
Shes like a slinky, practically useless but it makes you smile when you push them down the stairs.

message 4: by Susy (new)

Susy (susysstories) | 126 comments 😂😂😂

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1012 comments LOL

message 6: by nat (new)

nat (baejoohyun) Winter wrote: "Apparently, a new hand cream has been invented by a scientist who has used human blood in it. According to him, human blood has more moisturizing elements than Aloe Vera & Petroleum Jelly combined...."

Tfw you don't get the joke

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1012 comments I think she does.

message 8: by nat (new)

nat (baejoohyun) ??

message 9: by Jordan (new)

Jordan (snicketypicket) Where are you guys getting these jokes?

message 10: by Melissa (last edited Jan 07, 2019 06:53AM) (new)

Melissa Sayers | 32 comments When is a muffin like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.

Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his muffin? Cause he was stuffed.

What do you call a muffin that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.

Why did the giant use clouds to make muffins? To make them light and fluffy.

What kind of muffins can fly? Plain Ones

Why do bakers give women on special occasions? Flours

Why are muffin jokes always funny? Because they never get mold!

Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.

What do ghosts eat when they are hungry? BOOberry muffins!

Two muffins are in an oven and one says,"Wow, it's hot in here!" and the other muffin says,"Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!"

National Oatmeal Muffin day is observed annually on December 19th.

Knock Knock! Who's There? Muffin! Muffin who? Muffin the matter with me, how about you?

Forehead John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so".

Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right " to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so".

"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break " "i"m not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps". He says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don"t think so I"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him some muffins".

He said, "So what kind of muffins did you bake?" she replied, "hello.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"

message 11: by Spacechik (new)

Spacechik | 8 comments Love your muffi jokes. Are there muffin books I've missed? 😆

message 12: by Allerglance (new)

Allerglance | 102 comments What do you call a fake camera?

a scam

SheAintGotNoShoes Pretty much my favorite nun joke of all time :

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”

“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”

To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”

Erin O'Connor {If The Review Fits} | 84 comments Oh my goodness, that's a good one!

SheAintGotNoShoes @ Erin,
I just signed up for your blog !
I am glad that my joke did not annoy or offend you. I am a very very spiritual person and never mock The Almighty, but I do have a bit of a naughty sense of humor sometimes and the joke above has always tickled my funny bone. ( I also have it in for a number of nuns who treated me quite poorly as a kid - I said I would get them back someday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) :-)

SheAintGotNoShoes Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "Well what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father." "Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary. "What did he ask, Mary?" Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun!"

Erin O'Connor {If The Review Fits} | 84 comments @BelievesInMiracles:
Oh thank you! No, it didn't offend me. It was a funny joke. That's funny that you are trying to get back at your nuns, lol.

Erin O'Connor {If The Review Fits} | 84 comments That's a good joke too! 😂

message 19: by Jennifer (new)

Jennifer Little Johnny goes to confession, very worried about what he is going to say. As he sits down in the confessional, he says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned." Father O'Leary asks him what he has done that needs forgiveness. "Oh, Father I am too ashamed to say."
"It's OK, my child. It is between only you and the Lord."
"Well, Father, I was fooling around with one of the girls."
"Oh, my son... was it Mary Cassidy?"
"Oh, Father, I cannot say reveal her name."
"Well, was it Tina O'Shananhan?"
"Father, I don't feel it is right for me to tell."
"Well, tell me son, was it Laurie Finnegan?"
"Oh, Father, I promised I would not tell."
So, the priest says, "I understand, my child. For your atonement, you are suspended from alter duty for 7 days. You may go."

As Johnny leaves the confessional, little Jimmy grabs him and pulls him to the back of the church. "So? How did it go?"
"Well," says Johnny, "I got 3 good leads and a week's vacation!"

SheAintGotNoShoes I have heard this a number of times and it is always a great one !

message 21: by Creative Orange (new)

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1012 comments What did the police say to the bladder?

Urine trouble now.

 Brittny's Book Talk | 91 comments - Did you know that diarrhea can be a hereditary thing?
- Yeah... it runs in your genes( jeans)

message 23: by Lev (new)

Lev (trans_beanie_boy) | 35 comments Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"

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