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Personal Writing > Blurb help - fantasy fiction, Land of Burning Roses

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message 1: by A. J. Deschene (last edited Aug 19, 2018 05:43AM) (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 9 comments Hi, everyone,
I'm working on my upcoming novel Land of Burning Roses which some of you may remember from an earlier discussion where I tried to narrow down my final title. Thanks so much to those who helped!
As promised, I wanted to ask your opinion on the blurb, even though my estimated release isn't for several months; I just want to get onto it as soon as possible so I'll have plenty of time to get it right before my book's release.
Let me know what you think/how I can improve it. All criticism is welcome and very much appreciated:


(Edited)

I can't ever go back to my life of politics; I can't let another in my family die because of me.


Valeon, 1182.

A wall separates the east and west sides of Known World, with one gate that opens and closes when it desires. Some see it as a cause for celebration when it opens, while others have been affected deeply by the loss of loved ones when it closes.

When my sister came through, she brought her five-year-old daughter, Anna, with her, then disappeared the next day, leaving me to raise the thing a hate most in this world . . . a child.
A child who does not share my language.

Now, after an unusual war broke out, Anna is being tracked down by our enemies - heavy prices are put on her head, alerting the kingdom's roughest bounty hunters - and there are traitors around every corner, traitors who used to be my friend . . . and Anna's father.

Yet, it seems the fate of Valeon rests with whoever holds Anna in their hands.



What do you think? Would you buy it or would you need more convincing? Let me know your opinions.



message 2: by B00kw0rm0131 (new)

B00kw0rm0131 | 21 comments So I'm not entirely sure if we're supposed to be commenting on this thread but anyway here are some of my personal thoughts. You don't have to take any of my suggestions if you don't want (since I don't really know anything about your book except the title and the blurb) but here they are:

I like this so far. The plot sounds incredibly fascinating and I love the title. I also like that this blurb is in first person POV. It's something not seen often and gives the reader a look at who the character is.

With that being said, I think introducing the character in the blurb might be a good idea. I'm understanding that she (is this character a she? My brain kind of defaulted to that for some reason) is a ruler of some sort, a king or queen of a kingdom, which is Nisime. I don't know who the L'itians are (I love that name, though), but I suppose that's information we could find out in the book.

Not introducing the character could work, too, since mystery can be appealing, but usually readers like to know who they're going to be reading about (I know I do, anyway). You could introduce them right off the bat, such as "My name is ____ and I am _____" or, if it's something this character would do, you could add humor, such as "My name is _____ and my life is hell in paradise" or something like that.

I do like that we get to see this character's life and some of their flaws, such as that they hate children (which I love and is actually hilarious in this situation and it makes me want to read the book already). I also like that we see their distant relationship with their family, though I feel like this may be a "show don't tell" situation. The character feels removed from their family, but how so? Have they not seen each other in years? Has the character's royal position changed the relationship with their family? (This information, plus the situation with Anna is interesting. I am intrigued and cannot stop creating theories in my head and I haven't even read the book yet.)

One thing does confuse me: "Anna to my solar". Is the "to my solar" part a name or a title or something else? It could be something from your fantasy world's culture, but it has me a little confused.

I do have to point out, though (because I can't help myself), that the character refers to Anna (and, essentially, children in general) as "the thing I hate most in this world" and I am dying of laughter over here I love that line so much.

The only other thing is the "I can't trust anyone" line. Going back to "show don't tell" I think this line can be cut. That entire paragraph showed how the character can't trust anyone from close friends to Anna's father so the reader understands that no one can be trusted without that line there. You did a great job on that paragraph, the mistrust has me on the edge of my seat.

All in all, I really like this. The plot is mysterious and suspenseful and intriguing and the characters sound incredibly amusing. (I still cannot get over that the main character hates children. I burst out laughing every time I think of it.) I would definitely be prompted to pick this up and read it. You did a really great job! Congratulations on your novel release!


message 3: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 9 comments B00kw0rm0131 wrote: "So I'm not entirely sure if we're supposed to be commenting on this thread but anyway here are some of my personal thoughts. You don't have to take any of my suggestions if you don't want (since I ..."

WOW! Thanks SO much for all this useful advice, I absolutely love it when people share detailed opinions and tell me how each line made them feel. It was so encouraging to find out that I wasn't so far from writing a proffesional blurb, as I thought I was.

I will definately take your advice and change what needs to be changed. Now I realize where some of my weakest and strongest lines are, so I can adjust accordingly. :D

A. J.

P. S.
A solar is just the room where the lady of the castle stays in the real world, but a lot of people don't know that so don't worry.


message 4: by B00kw0rm0131 (new)

B00kw0rm0131 | 21 comments I'm glad I could help!

Oh, do you mean that the character's sister brought her daughter up to her room? And in this world the room is called a solar? If that's the case then you'll need to add a comma after "Anna" to separate the character from the place. (... five-year-old daughter, Anna, to my room...)


message 5: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 9 comments B00kw0rm0131 wrote: "I'm glad I could help!

Oh, do you mean that the character's sister brought her daughter up to her room? And in this world the room is called a solar? If that's the case then you'll need to add a c..."


Oh, I see what you're saying now. I didn't realize it was a grammatical mistake.
But no, I meant I solar is what real rooms are called in our real world, back in medieval times. Do a google search for "rooms of a castle" and it will be one of the first things to show up. I did my research while writing.

Also, did you know that in medievel times, archers didn't actually have quivers of arrows on the shoulder, but on their belts? Then they'd draw three arrows at once and shoot them all in a third of a second before drawing more. The shoulder quivers are just a misconseption conveyed incorrectly throughout various media.
The more you know . . .

A. J.


message 6: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 9 comments (Edited)
A. J.


message 7: by Catherine, Blazing Reader (new)

Catherine (catherine_mooncakes) | 1797 comments Mod
Just wanted to pop by and let you know that if you want points, please:
a) Sign up for a team on How It Works.
b) Post 200 words or more.

If not, please disregard. :-)


message 8: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 9 comments Points for what?


message 9: by Catherine, Blazing Reader (new)

Catherine (catherine_mooncakes) | 1797 comments Mod
We have a friendly competition going on between the readers and writers (some are both) of the group. The readers earn points by reading and reviewing books, and the writers earn points by, well, writing. Here's everything you need/may want to know:
How It Works
Team Members
Scoreboard (Needs to be updated with the readers' points)
Team Winners
Individual Winners


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