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Writers Corner > Blurb help - fantasy fiction, Land of Burning Roses

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message 1: by A. J. Deschene (last edited Aug 19, 2018 05:43AM) (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 12 comments Hi, everyone,
I'm working on my upcoming novel Land of Burning Roses which some of you may remember from an earlier discussion where I tried to narrow down my final title. Thanks so much to those who helped!
As promised, I wanted to ask your opinion on the blurb, even though my estimated release isn't for several months; I just want to get onto it as soon as possible so I'll have plenty of time to get it right before my book's release.
Let me know what you think/how I can improve it. All criticism is welcome and very much appreciated:


(Edited)

I can't ever go back to my life of politics; I can't let another in my family die because of me.


Valeon, 1182.

A wall separates the east and west sides of Known World, with one gate that opens and closes when it desires. Some see it as a cause for celebration when it opens, while others have been affected deeply by the loss of loved ones when it closes.

When my sister came through, she brought her five-year-old daughter, Anna, with her, then disappeared the next day, leaving me to raise the thing a hate most in this world . . . a child.
A child who does not share my language.

Now, after an unusual war broke out, Anna is being tracked down by our enemies - heavy prices are put on her head, alerting the kingdom's roughest bounty hunters - and there are traitors around every corner, traitors who used to be my friend . . . and Anna's father.

Yet, it seems the fate of Valeon rests with whoever holds Anna in their hands.



What do you think? Would you buy it or would you need more convincing? Let me know your opinions.



message 2: by A.F. (new)

A.F. (scribe77) | 1780 comments Mod
A. J. Deschene wrote: "Hi, everyone,
I'm working on my upcoming novel Land of Burning Roses which some of you may remember from an earlier discussion where I tried to narrow down what title to use from a pool of sixteen...."


It may be a bit long. I'd tighten it up a bit. Also there's not much tension or hook to it. And "bare" should be "bear" I believe.


message 3: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 12 comments A.F. wrote: "A. J. Deschene wrote: "Hi, everyone,
I'm working on my upcoming novel Land of Burning Roses which some of you may remember from an earlier discussion where I tried to narrow down what title to use ..."


Thanks, I wish I'd noticed the "bare/bear" mistake, and I'll definitely see how I can improve the lack of tension.

A. J.


message 4: by A. J. Deschene (last edited Aug 16, 2018 07:28PM) (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 12 comments (Edited)
A. J.


message 5: by A.F. (new)

A.F. (scribe77) | 1780 comments Mod
A. J. Deschene wrote: "(Edited)
A. J."


Much better.


message 6: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 12 comments A. F.
Thanks! What specific change do you like about it, and what still needs improving?

A. J.


message 7: by A.F. (new)

A.F. (scribe77) | 1780 comments Mod
A. J. Deschene wrote: "A. F.
Thanks! What specific change do you like about it, and what still needs improving?

A. J."


The new hook is better, and the first person focus of the blurb.

I'd separate the second paragraph into shorter sentences.

Something like: "When my sister came through, she brought her five-year-old daughter, Anna, with her. Then she disappeared the next day, leaving me to raise the thing a hate most in this world . . . a child."

The same with the third. Something like this would tighten up.

"Now, war is upon us and Anna is being tracked down by our enemies - with a heavy price on her head and the kingdom's roughest bounty hunters on her trail. There are traitors around every corner, traitors who used to be my friend . . . and Anna's father."


message 8: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 12 comments A. F.
Thanks, as soon as I get the chance on my computer, I'll edit the blurb.
Thanks for your advice, because I really appreciate detailed opinions that help me get closer to a great dinal product.
A. J.


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