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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Feedback on MC Romance Blurb

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message 1: by Cate (new)

Cate Wells | 11 comments Hi, all. I would be grateful for feedback on this blurb for a motorcycle club romance entitled Broad Shoulders. Many thanks in advance!

When the load is heavy…

Kayla

Life isn’t easy. My car’s on its last leg, my job is the definition of going nowhere, and I’ve had to downsize to a studio apartment. The bright side? Jimmy. My sweet, grumpy, six-year-old reason-for-living.

So what if everything else is falling apart?

So what if I’m a twenty-one-year-old single mom rocking elastic waistband hand-me-down pants, and the only action I’m getting is cat-calls from the friendly neighborhood bearded biker?

No one ever promised me easy. Or happy. Or safe.

Not like anyone can deliver on that kind of promise anyway. Not in this kind of world.

Charge

I ain’t sayin’ life is easy, but I got it good enough. My woman might be done with me —kept my house and dog, of course— but my brothers will always have my back.

I’ve got the club, my ride, and the open road.

I don’t need no hassle, and from recent experience, woman is the very definition.

I sure as hell don’t need to be messin’ with a girl with a kid.

She might be in my head, but I ain’t the kind to make promises I cain’t keep.

Besides, how would a sweet little thing like her fit in my kind of world?

…you need broad shoulders.


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1167 comments Hello Cate,

It's an interesting take. It's long at 234 words, when the supposed sweet spot is 100-150, but does what I feel as a pretty good job of introducing your characters, stakes and obstacles. It breaks a lot of so-called rules, though.

I'm not clear on the final line. What's your intent with it? Not capitalizing the first word, the ellipsis in front, it jarred me when I read it. Rereading, it appears it's meant to complete the first line. A cute idea, but perhaps too confusing.

Are you targeting agents/publishers or planning to self-publish? If the former, it might spark interest, but if the latter it might be too long. The main issue I'm concerned with is only the first few lines of a blurb are typically shown in a book's web page, which means you have to lure the reader in that quickly. I'm not sure yours does that.


message 3: by Cate (new)

Cate Wells | 11 comments Thank you so much!!! I'm newish on here. Can you tag me if you post an ask for feedback? I want to return the favor.

I've revised a little. I'd be grateful for your thoughts if you have another minute or two! (The plan is to self-publish.)


Kayla

Life isn’t easy. Single mom, minimum wage. You know. I’ve come a long way, though, and it’s all worth it. For Jimmy. My grumpy little guy.

Then a hot bearded biker shoulders his way into our lives. Tempts me into wanting more. I want to go for it, but how can I trust myself when I’ve screwed up so badly in the past?

Charge

I’m an easy kind of guy in a hard world. Yeah, I got a record, but I also got my club, my ride, and the open road. Life is good.

I don’t need no hassle, and from recent experience, woman is the very definition. I sure don’t need to be messin’ with a girl young enough to get carded, cartin’ along a six-year-old.

So why is she livin’ all up in my head? And how am I gonna stop my past from screwin’ up this good thing?


message 4: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1167 comments Shorter, but not necessarily better (meaning I like the first as much).

Since the first bit of the blurb is all people usually see (unless they click on 'more'), and it's on a per-line basis, you give up a lot with 'Kayla.' I suggest a couple of sentences that tie things together, then the individualized parts. Something like this, perhaps:

"Kayla, single mom living on the edge of poverty, meets rough and tumble biker Charge. So completely different, yet drawn to each other."

That little summary will hopefully draw the potential reader to click and see the rest.

As a by-the-by, generally you only name people in a blurb if they show up more than once, so naming Jimmy is a marginal thing. Oh, I think it should be "hot, bearded," unless his beard is hot ;-)

Once again, I think your bold choice to go with first-person and longer is not a bad one (my first is 188 words I agonized over for months), I just think the way you have it written will reduce the number of people who will click to see the whole thing.

I appreciate your offer to reciprocate, but I've switched my focus to writing screenplays now.


message 5: by Cate (new)

Cate Wells | 11 comments Good points, all. I'm searching for a new read on my Kindle tonight, and seeing what you mean about first lines. I had no idea how quickly I "noped." One sentence is definitely all the chance I'm giving an author I don't know.

His beard's totally hot. :) Yeah, I need a comma.


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