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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Science Fiction - Dethroned: Act I

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message 1: by Jim (new)

Jim Kozak | 4 comments I've been lurking around here for a few months, and you all seem to be a helpful, knowledgeable, community, so I figured that you all might be able to give me some valuable input. I just published for the first time a few weeks ago, but I've been wondering if my blurb just isn't ticking all the right boxes for people. Here's what I've got, currently:


It’s been forty years since the declared defeat of the Last Great Plague, and in 2157, life on Earth has gone back to normal. Unfortunately.

While billions fell to this silent killer, the Earth Global Initiative was formed to help protect and insulate the remaining population. Their goal took them in a myriad of different directions, attempting to combat, contain, and cleanse the devastation wrought by the disease. Ultimately, their solution was to corral the remaining uninfected behind the high walls of their ‘New’ cities until a cure could be developed. And though humanity survived, what came after has sucked the spirit from our species.

Now, the government has stopped caring about the people, and the people have been beaten into apathy by the new status quo. Skilled work is gated behind education, and education carries such a high price that military service is the only avenue to climb that ladder. With no conflict to overcome and no enemy to fight, idleness has taken root, and incompetence is rampant. Counter-intelligence officer Seth Renquist knows this all too well.

Seth owes his survival to the EGI military. They took him in off the streets, gave him a purpose, and though he has seen facets of the worst humanity has to offer, his life overall has been good. But maybe there are things out there that even he cannot ignore. Just what would it take to turn his indifference into rage?

The opposition groups might have a point. Maybe the EGI has served its purpose and run its course. The people should start standing up for themselves and do something. Or maybe… The time has come for the EGI to be DETHRONED.


Here's what I've just rewritten:

Seth Renquist has lived a good and fulfilling life, as these things go. He can’t remember what it was like to go without food, or not have a place to call home, not since he enlisted with the Earth Global Initiative military.

Since rising to his current position in counter-intelligence, he’s seen the worst humanity has to offer – all those secret things that grow and fester during times of prolonged peace. Each time, he’s simply filed his report and moved on while others go clean up the mess.

But what would it take to turn his indifference into rage? What would it take for him to cast his satisfying life aside?

Whatever that reason may be, there exist others who would retain his services for a certain task and have begun actively scouting him. Seth’s never been one for causes and politics, but this might just be the one that motivates him into action.

The world’s already ended once. Humanity survived. Maybe it’s time to shake things up?


Let me know what you think. Thanks!


message 2: by Tomas, Wandering dreamer (new)

Tomas Grizzly | 731 comments Mod
I'd say that the second one does not get the post-apocalyptical feeling so up-front as the first one, which might be a factor for targetting the correct readers. If it's something aimed at people interested in post-apocalyptic stories, I think that should stay in the beginning. The second attempt might also seem like provoking an action without a visible cause so maybe it'd be better to hint a bit more what would possibly make Seth 'shake things up'. Is it about a corrupt system or some inside problems (fighting for something of importance, whatever it might be)? Maybe mention that in the blurb.

Personally, I'd probably keep the first two paragraphs of the first blurb and edit the rest to show more about what's the main problem that will drive the story and possibly to show more about what type of story it might be.

All of that is just my personal opinion. Good luck!


message 3: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments It's descriptive but kind of long. Possibly keep the first paragraph and the one about Seth:

It’s been forty years since the declared defeat of the Last Great Plague, and in 2157, life on Earth has gone back to normal. Unfortunately.

Seth owes his survival to the EGI military. They took him in off the streets, gave him a purpose. But maybe there are things out there that even he cannot ignore; enough to turn his indifference into rage.


message 4: by Jim (new)

Jim Kozak | 4 comments Thanks for the feedback!

I agree about keeping the 1st two paragraphs, but I might condense them a bit.

The biggest issue I'm having, even with the rewrite, is that Seth is only the first major POV the reader meets. The others have an almost equal amount of screen time, so I think I'm going to chop this up and reassemble it so I can convey that.


message 5: by Andres (new)

Andres Rodriguez (aroddamonster) | 30 comments Hi Jim,

I reworded your blurb, maybe it will spark a fire and you can finish the tweak into something your really happy with. I hope this helps,

Forty years have passed since the Last Great Plague of 2117, and life on Earth has gone back to normal. Unfortunately.

As billions fell to this silent killer, the Earth Global Initiative formed to protect the remaining population. The EGI combatted, contained, and cleansed the devastation wrought by the plague. Ultimately, they corraled the remaining uninfected behind the high walls of their ‘New’ cities until the cure was developed. Though they saved humanity, what came after was even more devastating.

The government has stopped caring about people, people beaten into apathy by the new status quo. Skilled work gated behind education. An education at a price that only military service can afford. However, with no conflict to overcome and no enemy to fight, the military isn’t hurting for new troops.

Lack of work and education is giving birth to a new enemy. One that thinks the time for EGI has come to be DETHRONED.


message 6: by Jim (new)

Jim Kozak | 4 comments Thanks, Andres.

This is what I've ultimately decided to go with:

The world already ended once. Humanity recovered. Now what?

The Initiative formed to protect and insulate the remaining population has lost their focus in the forty years since the official defeat of the Last Great Plague. They’ve stopped caring about the people, and the people have been beaten into apathy by the new status quo. Skilled work is gated behind education, and education carries such a high price that military service is the only avenue for most to climb the economic ladder.

This stage is where the story begins, with a group of names on a list. Each of whom have lost their way, and each of whom are being scouted by a man marching to the beat of revolution. If he had his way, they would be the spark that ignites his crusade. But can he convince them to join?

Everyone has their reasons for signing on to such a cause. What will theirs be?


message 7: by Andres (new)

Andres Rodriguez (aroddamonster) | 30 comments You're welcome.

I read your new blurb out load and it sounds like your trying to direct actors for a performance piece. Put this in your mind set. This is what happened and this is what's going on. Now that the stage is set I want to see a good performance. Places, places.

Action.

Sorry, I hope that doesn't offend you. It's just how I read it.


message 8: by Jim (new)

Jim Kozak | 4 comments None taken!

Funnily enough, you're more on point than you might think.


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