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Authors Seeking FREE Betas > Island Romance 44k words (SEX/LANGUAGE WARNING)

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message 1: by Noemi (last edited Aug 13, 2018 07:44AM) (new)

Noemi Betancourt (noemi_betancourt) | 2 comments Completed island romance novel 44k words (warning sex scenes and language)

I've submitted this book for publication and just received a rejection from Entangled that said: "Though the international flavour has appeal as does the complexity of the story, there are craft issues that need attention." I've proofed it many times but I guess maybe I missed something so feedback is greatly appreciated.

My heroine is Keira Peyton, a New York socialite who must put her life back together when the two men she loves most in the world absolutely trash it. My hero is Silvio Gutierrez, a fearless, yet guarded Spanish ex-con anxious to escape his past. Neither is interested in a relationship but fall in love as they stand together against the unhinged kingpin running San Sebastian while solving the mystery behind her father’s death. Breaking Away is brimming with secrets, sensuality, and snark that will have readers thirsting for more. This thirst will be quenched by the sequels, Swept Away, and Melting Away, in which the other sisters Vidalia and Miranda experience their fair share of self-examination and love while working to discover the whereabouts of the late George Peyton's remains. That is if he's actually dead!

Here is the link to the first three chapters I sent to Entangled:

message 2: by John (new)

John Ruddock | 1 comments I will read your book free of charge and do my best to determine what troubles your prospective publisher. If you want me to read it send me the entire manuscript via email attachment as a Microsoft Word .doc or .docx. My email is

message 3: by J.R. (last edited Aug 22, 2018 07:39PM) (new)

J.R. Alcyone | 303 comments I'm commenting as a fellow author. I'm not an editor, and I'm not trying to be mean; I'm trying to help you out so you can hopefully impress a publisher.

One thing that jumped out at me and which is a "craft" issue is your dialogue isn't formatted properly, and you've got a lot of exclamation marks going on. I can't copy and paste from your document to show you what I mean because apparently Inkitt doesn't allow it, but those are two things which immediately jumped out. Here's what I mean.

"I like horses," John said.

"I like fish. Especially blue fish," Susie said, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Mike thought about his favorite animal. "The giraffe," he declared.

When the tag is a way of speaking, you set it off with a comma (said, purred, mumbled, etc.) If the tag is more like a beat, then it is set off with a period.

With exclamation marks, they should be used sparingly, otherwise they lose all meaning.

Good luck. :)

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