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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help- Paranormal Thriller

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message 1: by Evan (last edited Jul 30, 2018 03:38PM) (new)

Evan | 10 comments Hello Friends:

The story is written and I have a good cover. I just need some feedback on my blurb. Any and all criticism is welcome.

***
Dr. Victor Forrester can remember everything. At one time, he was content with his life as a history professor at Harvard. He was respected by his colleagues and loved by his students. But after a lab accident rewired his brain, all that was changed. Now he is a valuable commodity for the United Nations.

A division of the U.N, the International Archives, has tapped Dr. Forrester to solve the world's greatest mysteries. His first case- discover the identity of Jack the Ripper. But with a prominent family looking over his shoulder and doubts about his abilities, can he deliver as promised?

^^^
Thank you in advance for your help.


message 2: by J.N. (new)

J.N. Bedout (jndebedout) | 115 comments Sentences 2-3 in the first paragraph are passive voice. If you're having doubts, maybe something more "active" will help them pop more?


message 3: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4270 comments Mod
It's not bad. It's got me a little interested. I guess my only real complaint would be for a thriller, I'm not seeing much going on here that would be thrilling. He has a family member watching him and he doubts his abilities. I'm guessing fans of thrillers would want more.

Maybe some hint as to what his "rewired" brain can do?


message 4: by Micah (new)

Micah Genest | 12 comments I do not think there is a need to say that he was respected by people; rather, a sentence of an important accomplishment would perhaps fit.

What division in the U.N.? A more specific area would be better.

A time stamp is perhaps needed. Not sure why he is needed to figure out the case of Jack the Ripper, unless it is time relevant or a test?

Lastly, where does his ability to remember things come into the story?

I think a twist/probe more than just ‘is he able to to his job’ is needed.


message 5: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1101 comments I'm interested in what he remembers if it's connected to his re-wired brain: Doctor Forrester remembers the color make and model of every car passing through Holland Tunnel on January 1, the day his brain re-wired.

Also, Jack the Ripper. Why would the UN be interested in that case, what would be the relevancy today? Is it a test for bigger cases? Or is he clairvoyant? Maybe there is a way to hint at what is behind that particular case without giving too much away.


message 6: by Evan (new)

Evan | 10 comments Thank you for the feedback. Here is my revised blurb:

Dr. Victor Forrester can remember everything. It is both a blessing and a curse for a former history professor at Harvard. As an expert in American history, many colleges and organizations had consulted with him in the past. But nothing could prepare him for what happened next.

One day in the winter of 2010, a lab experiment went wrong and Victor was seriously injured. As he recovered, he realized that he now had memories of events from before he was born!

The International Archives, a division within the United Nations, has just hired Victor to solve some of the world's greatest mysteries. For his first case, a prominent family from London has filed an anti-defamation suit against a film maker. The family has asked Victor to clear their ancestor's name in the White Chapel murders of the late 1800's. But they are skeptical of his abilities and they are hiding things from him. And there is more than one family with a stake in this case.

With more than their reputation at stake, can Victor save the family? And who was Jack the Ripper?


message 7: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4270 comments Mod
It's improved. I would be tempted to condense the first few sentences into something like, "Due to a lab accident, history professor Dr. Victor Forrester has learned he can remember everything, including events from before his birth. It has been a blessing and a curse". Then go into the meat of the story, which you've made much more interesting this time around.


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

I'll read anything about Jack the Ripper. Emphasize that more and put that in the first paragraph. Otherwise, it looks good to me.


message 9: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1101 comments I like the new version, it's descriptive and the context around why Jack the Ripper is logical, clear the family name.


message 10: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments I’d abbreviate- maybe thus

Dr Victor Forrester can remember everything, even events from before he was born.

The International Archives, a division within the United Nations, hires Victor to solve some of the world's greatest mysteries. For his first case, a prominent family from London asks Victor to clear their ancestor's name in the White Chapel murders of the late 1800s. With more than reputation at stake, can Victor save the family? And who was Jack the Ripper?

NB as a Brit I would expect Whitechapel as one word


message 11: by John (new)

John | 54 comments Three things are unclear to me:

1. How would remembering events from before you were born help you solve the Jack The Ripper case? If he remembers everything from every person who has ever lived then it should be quite easy. Otherwise not.

2. What has the UN to do with this? If this Archive organization had such a guy, I think there were lots of other questions they would want to clear up first, and that I as a reader would also find more interesting. The resurrection of Jesus, among others.

3. What is at stake for Forrester if he fails?


message 12: by Evan (new)

Evan | 10 comments Jane wrote: "I’d abbreviate- maybe thus

Dr Victor Forrester can remember everything, even events from before he was born.

The International Archives, a division within the United Nations, hires Victor to sol..."


Thanks, Jane. I'll make sure that Whitechapel is spelled correctlyin the blurb and the story.


message 13: by Evan (new)

Evan | 10 comments John wrote: "Three things are unclear to me:

1. How would remembering events from before you were born help you solve the Jack The Ripper case? If he remembers everything from every person who has ever lived t..."


Thanks, John. Most of what you have asked is cleared up in the story. I didn't want to give away too much in the blurb. I will say, however, that the Archives are not proactive in seeking mysteries to solve. Member countries make requests and the Archives will get to each one in turn. This just his first case. I am writing a trilogy of full-length novels that will handle a number of those more interesting cases you mentioned


message 14: by Evan (new)

Evan | 10 comments Thanks everyone! Your advice has been very helpful. I will make some more adjustments based on what you have said.


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