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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help-Christian Fiction-Through Hammers and Verse: Revealing Love

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message 1: by Meredith (last edited Jul 26, 2018 05:55PM) (new)

Meredith | 5 comments *Updated version in message 10*

Middle-school science teacher Kenley has enjoyed her years working in Maryland, but she feels ready to move back near family in Ohio. A series of job interviews all followed by rejections though leaves the young woman with doubts that God is listening at all to the prayers of her heart.

Still stinging from the most recent thank-you-for-your-time-but-we-will-not-be-hiring-you, Kenley has little time to nurse her wounds. She is headed to Mexico for a short-term mission trip, one that suddenly hands her unexpected responsibility.

Three days is not a lot of time.
For building houses and planting gardens.
For sorting and handing out donations.
For connecting through Vacation Bible School words.

Can three days be enough time for Kenley to see God’s love revealed?


Thank you :)


message 2: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (last edited Jul 18, 2018 04:24PM) (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4310 comments Mod
I wish there was a bit more about the mission trip in Mexico and not so much about the job hunting. The mission trip is more interesting and seems to be the real focus of the story.

You could sum up the first two paragraphs with something like Kenley has been struggling to find a new job closer to her hometown. While still stinging, it must be put on hold while she goes on a mission trip...


message 3: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1103 comments I would also be interested in the trip to Mexico especially given the three day timeframe and what her new responsibilities are. Does she have an unreasonable 'supervisor' or does she expect too much from herself. Is she worse after finding out what needs to be done. Those are just some things you might want to touch on if they apply. What is in Mexico, is it a mission with a school?


message 4: by Meredith (new)

Meredith | 5 comments Thank you for your feedback, Dwayne and M.L. :)

I've changed up the first half of the blurb somewhat.

Middle-school science teacher Kenley has been struggling in her efforts to find a job back in her home state of Ohio. Still stinging from the most recent rejection, Kenley must put on hold her doubts that God is listening at all to the prayers of her heart. She is headed to Mexico for a short-term mission trip, one that suddenly hands her unexpected responsibility, one that pulls her out of the background and will put her Spanish-language skills to the test.

Three days is not a lot of time.
For building houses and planting gardens.
For sorting and handing out donations.
For connecting through Vacation Bible School words.

Can three days be enough time for Kenley to see God’s love revealed?


message 5: by Leah (new)

Leah Reise | 350 comments I would remove “in her efforts.” Minimizes wordiness.


message 6: by Leah (new)

Leah Reise | 350 comments “Back” isn’t necessary either, unless she no longer lives in Ohio and you want that emphasized.


message 7: by Leah (new)

Leah Reise | 350 comments Saying ‘putting on hold her doubts God is listening’ isn’t making sense to me. Has she stopped doubting God is listening temporarily, but will doubt again later? 😉


message 8: by Leah (new)

Leah Reise | 350 comments I might say, “A short-term mission trip to Mexico hands her unexpected responsibility and pulls her from the background, and also puts her Spanish skills to test.”

Something like that.


message 9: by Jenna (new)

Jenna Thatcher (jenna_thatcher) | 132 comments Over all, I would say I want to know what's happening. What's the conflict? Is her conflict with God? Are there other characters that play important roles? I want to have a sense of what's gonig to happen to her without knowing what's going to happen....if that made sense. :)


message 10: by Meredith (new)

Meredith | 5 comments Thank you everyone that has taken the time to look at the blurb and offer feedback :)

Updated version:
Middle-school science teacher Kenley has been struggling to find a job back in her home state of Ohio. Still stinging from the most recent rejection, she must rise above her doubts about God’s faithful love. She is headed to Mexico for a short-term mission trip, one that suddenly hands her unexpected responsibility, a leadership role that will pull Kenley out of the background and put her Spanish-language skills to the test.

Three days is not a lot of time.
For building houses and planting gardens.
For sorting and handing out donations.
For connecting through Vacation Bible School words.

Can three days be enough time for Kenley to overcome her uncertainties that God truly does listen to the prayers of the heart?


message 11: by A. J. Deschene (new)

A. J. Deschene (ajdeschene) | 58 comments Meredith:
I like what you're doing with your book, and I like seeing authors write clean, Christian novels that represent the Christian community.
That being said, I'm sure you'd like a lot of non-religious people to buy your book too, as it helps to reach out to the secular world and spread God's word. I'm not saying you should cater the content or description to non-believers, I just want to make sure the description is captivating enough that even people who aren't Christian will find it interesting.
With that being said as well, I think it may be wise not to end the description with a "Can they . . . " "Will they . . . " kind of question. Sure, there are some instances when a different kind of question might work to the description's advantage, but "Can/will/etc." kind of questions are commonly used by amateur authors who try too hard to get people interested, resulting in an evident lack of talent and originality.
I'm not saying you're unoriginal or uncreative; the premise of your story is really interesting and shows lots of promise. But I think you'd be able to show more credibility towards your work if you changed the ending.
My suggestion is to mention some kind of "but" twist or set up the stakes with the kind of sentence that puts the reader on the edge of their seat, so to speak. It might not be something you've revealed about your story yet, but I promise it will go to making a better description if you try my suggestion -- something that makes the readers question the previous paragraphs and want to re-read.
The better your description is, the more people will buy your book. The more people buy your book, the higher your writing income will be.

I really hope this helps! I certainly didn't mean to criticise or offend you in any way, I just want to see your description have the best results, and I wish you the best of luck!
description


message 12: by M.L. (last edited Jul 27, 2018 09:21AM) (new)

M.L. | 1103 comments I searched Amazon for Christian fiction and a category of Christian Fiction for Women came up. Looking at the first three, The Hideaway, The Masterpiece, and The Chance, their blurbs have definite conflict. So you might try emphasizing the conflict more.

Kenley has no money, no job, and a pile of rejections. Instead of facing a weekend haunted by doubt that God is listening to her prayers, she accepts an offer to leave the country and spend the weekend in Mexico. Not only will it give her the change she needs, the only cost is her time. The Christian Bible Study will pay the expenses. But will three days of building houses, planting gardens, sorting donations and teaching show her God is listening, or will she end up thinking He expects the impossible.

One caveat, the books mentioned above did not mention verse so you might try looking for some that have verse. :)


message 13: by Meredith (new)

Meredith | 5 comments I want to say thanks to A.J. and M.L. for your new feedback. I like your insights and need to take some time now to figure out how to incorporate the ideas into a blurb that matches my story :)


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