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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Supernatural - Reapers Blood

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message 1: by E.A. (new)

E.A. Turley (eaturley) | 70 comments Hey everyone. If you're not too busy, I was wondering if you could offer a bit of help on the blurb of my latest novel? It's a supernatural coming of age for a young teenager who finally finds out just what her destiny is. It ends on a cliffhanger as there is a sequel to it already in progress.

All families have a secret. Something that isn't talked about. Something kept behind closed doors.
In Amelia's family, that secret is her Grandpa.
But today is her sixteenth birthday. The day when all the magical powers of her father's side of the family are unlocked, and she can finally find out just what the secret is all about.
Amelia needs to discover, control, and master her powers, but when the unthinkable happens and her parents are murdered, it is the kickstart she needs to realise her destiny.
But not everyone is happy about her existence and there are people lurking that would challenge her new status.


message 2: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4356 comments Mod
It's a good start, but... it sounds like pretty much any other "coming-of-age, oh look I can do magic now, but there are secrets" book out there. Can you dig a bit deeper and include a little something-something about why your book is unique?


message 3: by E.A. (new)

E.A. Turley (eaturley) | 70 comments Dwayne wrote: "It's a good start, but... it sounds like pretty much any other "coming-of-age, oh look I can do magic now, but there are secrets" book out there. Can you dig a bit deeper and include a little somet..."

It's what I've got so far.
Amelia Duvall has just found out that her billionaire business mogul grandpa (on her dad's side) is actually the Grim Reaper and she is destined to be a supernatural being known as The Arbitrator. The Arbitrator is the supernaturals judge and jury, she sentences people that commit heinous crimes to hell realms and ether prisons.
I don't want to give it all away in the blurb as that is part of what the book is about, but yeah, I think I could include some of it in a rewrite.
Thanks for the feedback.


message 4: by M.L. (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments I like the blurb. The word "kickstart" feels too casual since it's a murder that motivates her. If it doesn't give away too much you could add Grim Reaper and billionaire to the description of her Grandpa. After "master her powers" you could add "which may be greater than her Grandpa's." Again, if that doesn't give away too much.


message 5: by E.A. (new)

E.A. Turley (eaturley) | 70 comments Okay, two rewrites. One is a rewrite of the first attempt, and the other is written in the style of the book itself (and in the first person)

All families have a secret. Something that isn't talked about. Something kept behind closed doors.
In Amelia's family, that secret is her Grandpa, the Grim Reaper.
But today is her sixteenth birthday. The day when all the magical powers of her father's side of the family are unlocked, and she can finally find out just what the big secret is all about.
Amelia needs to discover, control, and master her powers, which may even be greater than her Grandpa’s, but when the unthinkable happens and her parents are mysteriously murdered, it is just the motivation she needs to realise her destiny.
And the Arbitrator is born with a blinding brilliance all of her own.


It’s not everyday a girl turns sixteen and has a birthday party with a sexy demon rock group playing, the Grim Reaper in attendance, and her magical powers unlocked.
But that’s what happened to me two days ago. When your Grandpa is Death, anything is possible.
Yesterday, I found a familiar and a ring. A ring that only I can wear. The Black Diamond Ring that belongs to the Arbitrator, the Supernaturals Judge and Jury.
Today, my parents were murdered and I’m in the hospital. But if my attackers think this girl is gonna succumb to the ‘three strikes and you’re out’ rule, they can think again.
All I need to do is control and master my powers, which may even turn out to be greater than Grandpa’s and realise my destiny, and they have unknowingly provided the best incentive to achieve that.
The world isn’t gonna know what’s hit it!

I don't mind which you comment on or if you want to try both (if you do, thanks) But I would like a feedback on whether if a blurb in the first person actually works or not? For future reference.
Thanks for helping me out here, girls and guys!


message 6: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4356 comments Mod
E.A. wrote: "All families have a secret. Something that isn't talked about. Something kept behind closed doors.
In Amelia's family, that secret is her Grandpa, the Grim Reaper.
But today is her sixteenth birthday. The day when all the magical powers of her father's side of the family are unlocked, and she can finally find out just what the big secret is all about.
Amelia needs to discover, control, and master her powers, which may even be greater than her Grandpa’s, but when the unthinkable happens and her parents are mysteriously murdered, it is just the motivation she needs to realise her destiny.
And the Arbitrator is born with a blinding brilliance all of her own."


Better. And I don't think you're giving away too much by revealing dear ol' gramps is the Grim Reaper. After all, his name is in the title.

So, some suggestions.

Lose this: "Something that isn't talked about. Something kept behind closed doors." For this kind of book, a punchy blurb would work best and stopping to explain what a secret is really drags it down.

The word "secret" pops up a lot, too. Overusing words can weaken any writing, even blurbs. We get there's a secret. It's good to mention it, yes. Pretty much every bit of fiction is about secrets in one fashion or another, but readers are still drawn to the word.

Aside from this, it's much better than your original.

E.A. wrote: "It’s not everyday a girl turns sixteen and has a birthday party with a sexy demon rock group playing, the Grim Reaper in attendance, and her magical powers unlocked.
But that’s what happened to me two days ago. When your Grandpa is Death, anything is possible.
Yesterday, I found a familiar and a ring. A ring that only I can wear. The Black Diamond Ring that belongs to the Arbitrator, the Supernaturals Judge and Jury.
Today, my parents were murdered and I’m in the hospital. But if my attackers think this girl is gonna succumb to the ‘three strikes and you’re out’ rule, they can think again.
All I need to do is control and master my powers, which may even turn out to be greater than Grandpa’s and realise my destiny, and they have unknowingly provided the best incentive to achieve that.
The world isn’t gonna know what’s hit it!"


I don't care much for this one. It gets really choppy with all the short sentences about the ring. Perhaps combine them some to make them flow better. Maybe drop the mention of the familiar, since we're not given any more information about it.

Overall, I think it kind of puts me off 'cause her parents were just killed, she's in the hospital, yet she seems really -- cheerful -- almost joking about the whole thing. Maybe that's what the character is like. Maybe that's what you're going for.


message 7: by E.A. (new)

E.A. Turley (eaturley) | 70 comments Dwayne wrote: "E.A. wrote: "All families have a secret. Something that isn't talked about. Something kept behind closed doors.
In Amelia's family, that secret is her Grandpa, the Grim Reaper.
But today is her six..."


Hmm. I didn't realise it came across cheerfully like that. But I think I've decided to go with the first option now anyway. Thanks for your input. It's helped refine my attempt a lot now and I'm going to work on both synonyms for 'secret' or different ways to convey the meaning.


message 8: by E.A. (last edited Jul 13, 2018 08:28AM) (new)

E.A. Turley (eaturley) | 70 comments Right. I think this is going to be the final edit unless anyone has anything else to add that could be useful?

All families have a skeleton in the cupboard.
In Amelia's family, that mystery is her Grandpa, the Grim Reaper.
But today is her sixteenth birthday. The day when all the magical powers of her father's side of the family are unlocked inside her, and she can finally find out just what the big secret is all about.
Amelia needs to discover, control, and master her powers, which may be even greater than her Grandpa’s, but when the unthinkable happens and her parents are mysteriously murdered, it is just the motivation she needs to realise her destiny.
And the Arbitrator is born with a blinding brilliance all of her own.


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