Gossip Girl: The New Generation [A Roleplay] discussion

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message 1: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments

Dinner. Dinner with the Bastilles. It wouldn’t be terrible, would it? They knew him, he knew them. Caspian had been over to their house countless times, enough that it was like dining with his own family. They had, after all, become his second family, taking him in like he was their own son. But, that had all been when she was alive. Without her, he didn’t have a place in their family, shouldn’t have a seat at the table, shouldn’t even be allowed anywhere near the house. No, it was pointless trying to convince himself differently - Caspian knew exactly why he didn’t want to return to that house. After all, the last time that he’d been there, well...

Caspian sighed, staring at his reflection in the car mirror. His eyes had slight circles under them and his cheeks were more sunken in. Everything that happened was taking a toll on him, making him lose his appetite, lose sleep. He was restless, tossing and turning, starving but feeling sick any time he tried to swallow anything. Caspian was thirsting for some remedy to fix everything, but nothing was turning things around for him. He was stuck in this place, stuck being sick, stuck being so, so - guilty.

His hand trembled on his thigh, fingers digging into his flesh to try and ground himself. Caspian looked around the outside of the Bastille house. Five things he could see: daisies, the mailbox, the front door, the welcome mat, and the lanterns outside the door. Next, he tried finding four things that he could touch - his skin, the steering wheel, his keys, the car door. When he stepped out, three things he could hear were birds chirping, a car driving by, and idle chatter of children from the next house. Two smells were of freshly mowed grass and the faint scent of barbecue nearby. A taste...he could taste the spearmint gum in his mouth still.

Caspian felt calmer now as he stepped up to the front door of the Bastille house. Today, he would be facing everything he’d pushed away, locked in a box, and threw away the key to. Everything he was scared to face was inside of the house and today, he’d be going in.

message 2: by shinra (last edited Jul 10, 2018 05:25PM) (new)

shinra | 1179 comments

Caspian was coming. To his house. To eat dinner. Jude let out an incredulous laugh as he sat in the living room, head in his hands as he fought the possibility of having a mental breakdown on his couch. Everything was hurting right now. His head was pounding, the painkiller he took from earlier not taking effect yet. With the help of his hearing aid, he could hear the labored breathing as anxiety wracked his nerves. You’re fine, Jude. Just breathe. The words rang in his head as he slowly took slow breaths, his body still tense but his heart rate slowing down.

Everything in this house reminded him of his sister. He remembered when they were little and they would chase each other around the living room. All the times they would build a fort and sleep out here, cuddled up in cushions and blankets. But now she was gone. Jude could only now see her in memories that were slowly fading and she wasn’t here to help replenish them. But one memory would always be fresh and alive - that dreaded night. When he kissed Caspian and she walked in. If he had just heard her calling his name when she came back home then he could have moved away, stopped himself from doing it. Lying to her was better than letting her see her own brother kiss the person he knew she was in love with.

As he sat there, wallowing in guilt, Pluto, their Golden Retriever, started barking at the door, scratching it with his claws. Sighing, Caspian got up reluctantly, walking towards the door. His mom had gone out, saying she was going to pick up some groceries so no one else was home at the moment. “Okay, okay. Hold on.” He grumbled, unlocking the door to let the antsy dog out, figuring he wanted some fresh air. Stepping out onto the porch, he watched in bewilderment as Pluto took off into a sprint down the steps to a person standing on the sidewalk. His head slowly rose as his eyes landed on the face of the one person he thought he would never see anywhere near his house again. His eyes widened as he heart rate increased once again.


message 3: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments

He couldn’t do it. Oh fuck, he really couldn’t do it. His brain was throbbing in his head, pressure building behind his eyes and in his ears the closer he stood to the house. Caspian was standing on the driveway, looking up at the house that had been so familiar to him when the door opened and a golden retriever scrambled down the front porch steps to meet him. “Pluto!” he called in a hushed voice as the dog barked at him, paws smacking excitedly against the grass as he greeted his old friend. Caspian knelt down with a soft smile appearing across of his lips, his hands stroking behind Pluto’s ears. His fur was soft and groomed, taken care of well by the Bastilles, he knew. She’d always had the responsibility for taking care of him - he was her dog, after all, not Jude’s - but she was inherently lazy and hated giving him baths. Caspian wondered who gave Pluto baths now.

As the golden retriever bound around him, rubbing his body against him and yelping for attention, Caspian looked up from the ground. He remembered that the door had opened and Pluto hadn’t come out of the dog door in the back of the house. Pale, blue eyes flashed to the door, meeting those dark, familiar ones in a panic. It didn’t matter if Jude had texted him earlier in the day, talked to him formally as if they were simply strangers to one another. Caspian’s heart still dropped to his feet, feeling his skin prickle to attention. Bridled with anxiety again, Caspian couldn’t speak, couldn’t even wave his hand at the other boy standing in the doorway. All he could do was stop and stare at him.

Caspian swallowed thickly, feeling his throat closing up. He was suddenly so uncomfortably warm, feeling like his skin was tightening around his bones and that he didn’t have the space to breathe even though he was out in the open air. Even Pluto’s presence that had seemed so welcoming before now didn’t help appease his tenseness. Slowly, Caspian began to rise, his knees lifting from the grass and his hands leaving Pluto’s fur. It was Jude...

“Hi...” he muttered softly then, the word barely audible despite the quietness that filled the space between them. When had they last spoken? Caspian couldn’t even recall at this point. All he remembered - all he could focus on actually - was that dominating guilt that continued to build in him, especially now because his eyes happened to linger upon Jude’s lips for a millisecond longer than he should have.

message 4: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments im fifty shades of fucked up rn oml

message 5: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments right??? :((

message 6: by devo (new)

devo (yourdevotion) | 346 comments side note: i really never rp'd a charrie having a pet before i forgot that was a thing, ok continue

message 7: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments tbh I don’t think I have either lmaooo

message 8: by shinra (last edited Jul 10, 2018 07:55PM) (new)

shinra | 1179 comments same tho just put that in there for feels XD

message 9: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments the doggo is gonna be jude and caspian’s kid now

message 10: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments jude probably texting caspian and making up excuses like "pluto misses you so should come over. like right now"

message 11: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments ”I need to see my son at least 9 times a week and that’s final jude”

message 12: by shinra (last edited Jul 10, 2018 08:02PM) (new)

shinra | 1179 comments *turns off hearing aid* "im sorry what did you say???"

message 13: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments ”I’m stealing the dog and you can’t stop me” *takes the leash and runs off*

message 14: by shinra (last edited Jul 10, 2018 08:13PM) (new)

shinra | 1179 comments *flings a dog toy at his head and takes leash* "thank you for your time. goodbye"

message 15: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments ”I will fight for custody w you don’t even try me jude! turn your hearing aid on rn and listen to me!”

message 16: by shinra (last edited Jul 10, 2018 08:17PM) (new)

shinra | 1179 comments *points to hearing aid and mouthes words* "i...can't...hear...you..." *smiles*

message 17: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments *wrestles over and kisses him to distract before turning on hearing aid* “Pluto is mine says the court”

message 18: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments *shook asf* "how?? dare?? you??" *kisses him just for payback* "now im selectively just not paying attention to you"

message 19: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments *runs off w Pluto bc jude isn’t paying attention* XD

message 20: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments *shouts after him* "when i explain to my mom where pluto is, and she goes apeshit on you, don't come running to me !!"

message 21: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments lmaooo I love them sm already XD

message 22: by shinra (last edited Jul 10, 2018 08:35PM) (new)

shinra | 1179 comments they are my heart tbh <33

message 23: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments I can’t wait for the cuteness to pop out of all the sadness

message 24: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments imagine all the cuddling and them messing with each other so cutee

message 25: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments ”look we’re not gay okay? this is just harmless fun or something” *in denial*

message 26: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments "definitely or something"

message 27: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments ”no jude no”

message 28: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments "okay chill you're reading wayyyy too much into that statement. what i meant is this is definitely not completely harmless"

message 29: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments

It felt like everything around Jude just slowed down. His subconscious suddenly became aware of the involuntary actions of his body. It started becoming aware of the inhalation and exhalation of his lungs. It was like he could feel the blood running through his veins. His hands trembled slightly, as he gripped onto the door frame, trying to keep his balance. Those pale blue eyes were a trigger. The monster known as guilt laughed as it found yet another opening to his heart. He could feel it claw at his heart as he stood there frozen, unable to move despite the anguish he was experiencing.

He wished he wasn’t able to hear that greeting that left Caspian’s mouth. But his hearing aid seemed to amplify the quietest of sounds, doing its job a little too well. However, the sound of Caspian’s voice seemed to snap him out of his stupor, blinking slowly, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. A weak smile appeared on his face that he hoped was convincing enough. He leaned against the door frame, folding his arms as a way to hide his still shaking hands. He gestured to Pluto with a jut of his chin. “I guess he missed you.” He said, settling for that instead of the million questions he wanted to ask. But he figured that it was best not to. If he learned more about how Caspian was doing, he would grow attached again - and even if his sister wasn’t her with them physically, he knew that she wouldn’t want him to be friends with Caspian, after everything that he did.

Coughing slightly, his throat feeling dry, he ran his hair through his dark unruly curls that had a habit of falling in his eyes. He tried to refrain from glancing at Caspian’s lips, eyes averting from looking at him fully. “Um, my mom went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff but she cooked dinner already.” He said, signaling Caspian to come inside. Pluto seemed to realize in his own way because he started to follow after Jude.

message 30: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments

There was an unspeakable tension resting between the two of them, filling up the air, and making everything so heavy that it was felt nearly impossible for Caspian to rise off of the ground. The sky had come down on him, weighing down on his shoulders so hard that he was not able to function. His mouth dried, lost breath at the sight of the other boy in the doorway. But, I missed you..., he thought, staring after Jude when that had been the first thing that he'd said to him in person after such a long time. Something inside of Caspian was yearning for more, yearning for some kind of comfort or touch. But, even Jude couldn't give it to him. Because, it was both his and Jude's fault that the person that could provide him with the stableness and the comfort he wanted was now gone.

"O-Okay," he stammered a short response, shifting forward now hurriedly. Caspian's feet were bricks as he drew himself out of the grass and onto the pavement leading up to the house again.

This house had been refuge for him for so long, but now, it was only the holder of all the memories of that last night, a holder of memories both good and bad. Caspian didn't want to remember any of it, didn't want to think of any of it, didn't want to think of her at all. But, he couldn't, because she was everywhere that he went - the smell of her in his clothes that she'd angrily given back to him, the ghost of her touch on his shoulder whenever she wanted to tell him something, the sound of his phone binging, thinking that it was a multitude of texts frantically sent to him from her.

He shut the door behind him, wincing a bit at the creak it made when it shut into place. And when he turned to look around the place that had become his second home, he was devastated to see how cold it had become, how all the lights were turned off and it was so quiet. That burning sadness built up in his stomach again, threatening to break free on his face until he'd unknowingly smacked into Jude's back from behind since he had been absently following behind him, too lost in his own thoughts. "Sorry -" Caspian muttered, hooded eyes staring at his feet, unable to look up from the floor at him again.

message 31: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments get ready to be murdered again shinra XD

message 32: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments i came out here for a good time and honestly i feel so attacked rn

message 33: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments sad boiiiiis :)))

message 34: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments

Okay. That was a word Jude hadn’t been able to relate to in a long time. He didn’t think he would ever be okay. He had grown used to the nightmares where his sister’s face haunting him, screaming at him for what he had put her through. He knew she struggled yet he was the one to push her over the edge. Jude wondered if this was the world’s way of punishing him as he looked into the very eyes of his mistake. His forest green eyes burned with unshed tears as he faked a smile, turning to walk back into the house.

He walked back into the living room, the faint sound of footsteps behind him telling him Caspian had actually followed him. His hand twitched as he fought the urge to turn around and hug him. Instead he clasped his arm, fingernails digging into skin. He wondered if Caspian noticed the difference in the house. Most of the pictures with him and his sister were taken down since Jude couldn’t bear to look at them. The grand piano was covered by a sheet, having been played since she died. The last time Jude played piano was at her funeral and he could barely compose himself, salty tears dripping on the ivory. As he stopped walking, rooted to the place as memories came flooding back. He remembered when he used to sit there playing the piano and her and Caspian used to dance around the living room. He remembered the smiles, the laughs, everything. His mom tried to convince him to start back piano but he refused. He was known as a prodigy despite his disability - the next Beethoven Caspian had once jokingly called him. But he didn’t think he deserved to do something he loved so much when he caused so much suffering.

Caspian walking into snapped him out of his drowning thoughts. His body visibly shivered, surprised by the contact. He bit his lip, glad that Caspian couldn’t see his facial expression. Turning around slowly, he smiled like nothing was wrong, eyes swirling with an unreadable emotion from behind his dark brown curls. “It’s fine.” He mumbled, feet still rooted to the ground as he tried to will himself to take a step back. But it was like the weight in his heart kept him in place, his body defying his mind.

message 35: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments this highkey reminds me of them idk omg

message 36: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments I actually loved that movie tho

message 37: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments

Okay. Sorry. It's fine. Both of them were a flurry of one syllable words. Could they not say anything else to each other? Something that might actually be true? Caspian's truth had long been stolen from him. Anything that he might have wanted to say to Jude, anything that he might have felt that one evening was robbed away when the person that came in between them took her own life. Caspian couldn't face that truth anymore, couldn't think of it being a reality. Now, it was just impossible and he needed to move on quickly. The faster that he forgot about that kiss, forgot that anything had ever happened, the easier it would be to move on and to feel whole again. But for now, he would just have to live with this intense hollowness inside of him. That truth really could have been his - he could have accepted it completely - but he supposed it just really wasn't meant to be.

Jude wasn't made for him and he wasn't made for Jude.

Those icy orbs raised then, shielded by another layer of frost. Caspian's resolve thickened, his skin thickened. Blue met green and a sparring match began without even trying. Caspian didn't know when he had formed a backbone, but when he seriously looked into Jude's eyes for what might have been the first time since that night, he wasn't quaking, wasn't jittery with nerves. All he felt was empty and sad and that was all that he was reminded of when he looked at his dead best friend's brother. Caspian didn't hold back this time when he looked past Jude towards the piano he had been staring at when Caspian had run into him, "She wouldn't like how quiet the house is."

It could have been out of place, Caspian knew. He was already stepping on hot coals around Jude, but he couldn't help but let the comment slip. Something deep inside of him resented Jude for that truth, the one he had buried deeply inside of him now. A part of him wanted to fight him, wanted to throw something at him, wanted to hit him as hard as he could. But, no, he also had another part of him that remembered that he and Jude had been friends as well before everything had gone down. Now, it seemed impossible for them to ever connect on any level ever again. Bristling because of this realization, Caspian scoffed quietly to himself as if he was disappointed by Jude and slipped past him towards the kitchen, his shoulder slightly brushing against his as he did.

message 38: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments

A bark of a laughter left Jude’s mouth as he tilted back his head, a grin forming on his face as Caspian’s words echoed in his head. He was tired - so, so, so fucking tired. Everything was driving him insane. The constant cycle of lying to his mom, going to mandatory therapy sessions and having to take anti-depressants and sleeping pills just so he could go to sleep without thoughts of wishing he would never wake up. He wanted it to end. He wanted everything to end so he could just breathe for once without the constant reminder of what a screw up he was. All his life he followed behind his sister. She protected him from the horrors and reality of his disability so of course he had a dependency on her. She knew this and no one, not even Caspian, knew how vindictive she could be when she didn’t get her way. So Jude knew in his heart that her suicide was a way to punish him - to take away his only lifeboat in this angry sea known as his life.

Running a hand through his curls, deep inside his body something ignited. His eyes dulled as his heart froze over, licking his lips as he walked towards the kitchen. He was not going to let him do that. Not after what he did. He didn’t have to live in this house where every inch was a constant reminder of his sister. Jude had to deal with comforting his crying mother who screamed in agony because of the loss of her child. He didn’t have to deal with waking up every morning and walking past his sister’s vacant room, expecting her to be in there still, blasting music while she got ready.

Jude entered the kitchen, his expression blank as a forest fire erupted in his eyes. He sighed, his entire body feeling drained. “First of all Winchester, fuck you.” He said clearly with no hesitation. This Jude was someone Caspian had never seen before. This side of him was awakened after his sister’s death, given life from all the bitterness and pain. “Second of all, you don’t get to tell me what she would like and what she wouldn’t like. You lost that privilege when you kissed me that night. If you had really thought about her, you would know she wouldn’t like that.” His words were sharp and merciless, eyes burning a hole into Caspian. “And don’t say you didn’t plan it. Because you wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t know for sure that I had feelings for you.” He wasn’t sugarcoating anything this time. He wasn’t about to be the only one that the blame was placed on. He was no longer going to be the quiet brother who was going to observe and let people downplay him.

Not today. Not ever.

message 39: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments

The kitchen was quiet, another place in the house that was touched by his best friend's memory. But, she was no longer here, so the memories that used to bring smiles to his face now only seemed to lower his lips further and further into a frown. There on the counter, she had been sitting, her lying flying back and forth and hitting the cabinets below while she licked on the spoon of chocolate ice cream he had bought her because she had reminded him countless of times how terrible her period was and that as a boy, he would never have to experience it. So, naturally, Caspian had done whatever he could to appease her and brought her the ice cream which she had been happy enough to share with him after she'd nearly finished the entire pint in one sitting. The shallow pain in his chest began to grow deeper when he recalled that he'd been standing in between her legs, that she'd wiped the messy ice cream from his lip, and that she'd been the one to instigate their first kiss.

And then the kitchen was no longer silent. Caspian's expressive features were tugged down in a severe pout, his nose flared, and eyes blinked rapidly. Jude's words tugged him back into focus, jerking him to turn around and face him. The realities of both of their sadness had been haunting them forever, but neither of them had ever tried to speak up about it. Caspian never intended to speak up about it at all. He sniffed, feeling his own emotions catching up with him fast as hurtful word after hurtful word left Jude's mouth. He never knew that Jude could be like this.

"Jude, stop," he whispered, eyes darkening as he stared after him. But, he realized something else. Perhaps this was exactly what Jude needed - someone else to blame, someone else to take his frustrations and anger out on. Caspian himself was perfectly aware of what he had done, the part he had taken in the event of his best friend's suicide - he didn't need Jude pointing that out for him. But, it was his own anger and frustrations that came bubbling out with no filter - "Don't humans make mistakes? I made a mistake that night and now I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life," his voice softer than Jude's penetrative comments.

"I was in love with her and I-I made a mistake. I can't ever apologize to her again, but I can apologize to you," Caspian mouth was loose, speaking the words that felt right in the moment. He did love her and he did need to apologize. But, there was one thing that Jude really was right about - the kiss was not entirely unplanned.

message 40: by devo (new)

devo (yourdevotion) | 346 comments ok why am i up but this there theme song https://youtu.be/dpea7GIeMIM

message 42: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments stoopppp omgg

message 44: by shinra (new)

shinra | 1179 comments

Jude’s elbows propped on the counter, supporting the weight of his head in his hands. He wracked a hand through his hair, gripping onto the brown curls as he stood there trying to clear his head. Caspian’s words rang in his head as his whole body seemed to catch up with the agony he was feeling. A mistake. It was all just a mistake. A part of him believed that Caspian actually had feelings for him. It was that naive side of him that everyone saw him as. He was only seen as the deaf brother that who couldn’t do anything without his sister. After she died, it was like a new side of him awakened. A side of him that just wanted to scream at someone - to feel any emotion except for this consuming guilt.

A laugh bubbled from his mouth, warm salty tears dripping on the marble kitchen counter. “Right. A mistake…” He whispered, his voice cracking slightly. He looked up at Caspian, forest green eyes staring at him as he wiped away the unshed tears. “You don’t need to apologize to me. It wasn’t like I mattered anyway.” His tone was dismissive as he stood up straight and walked towards the fridge, like he wasn’t on the verge of having a mental breakdown a few seconds ago.

His eyes landed on the pictures on the fridge - well the ones that he didn’t take down. He made sure to get rid of all the pictures of him and his sister that had been there for years. There was once a picture of them as kids at the park. He remembered that day vividly. He had been crying because he fell off the swing. His sister had scolded him about it saying he was a crybaby but still hugged him anyway until he calmed down. Shaking his head slightly, he opened the fridge door and took out a bottle of water. His body moved past Caspian, intentionally trying his best not to touch him as he sat down at the kitchen table. He didn’t dare say another word in case he said something he was going to regret.

message 45: by rimskur (new)

rimskur | 1470 comments

Though Jude was doing his best to control the emotions across of his features, Caspian was not as well trained to do so. His lips were curled back into a frown and his eyes drooped with that sadness they all perpetually felt nowadays. He thought his words would reassure Jude in some way, show that he was not the enemy here and that he’d only wanted to help the other boy in some way. He wanted to apologize for starting anything, for making a mistake and not having the courage to make up for it - both to his best friend and her brother. So, now, Caspian just had to deal with the consequences of his actions.

A kiss. A stupid, simple kiss had started all of this and Caspian still couldn’t understand why it’s effect had been so great. He watched as Jude wiped his eyes, as he staggered away from him to the kitchen table, saying only half of what he felt. But, he also didn’t have the heart to make him say more, to force the words out of him and make him admit out loud what both of them were feeling. Because despite everything Caspian said about anything between them being a mistake, he still couldn’t deny that whatever it was that was between them had the sole ability of making him feel better as well.

Caspian slowly followed him to the kitchen table, staying quiet until he sat down next to him. His hand reached out, touching Jude’s hand and squeezing it from above. His touch was tentative as if unsure if he’d be allowed to do this, or if it was weird in any way. “You do matter, Jude. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for what I did,” he confessed, his voice breaking as he earnestly looked at Jude. He was so heartbroken over what had happened that he didn’t know how to deal with it with both his best friend and Jude. He couldn’t talk about it, couldn’t explain something he couldn’t understand either. So, instead, he stayed mum and let things proceed as they had. But now, perhaps he couldn’t let that happen anymore. He couldn’t just be passive and let everything go by him. Perhaps he’d just have to start being more active and maybe it was best if he started with Jude first.

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