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Blurb Workshop > Blurb Help - Action/Fantasy, The Crane War

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message 1: by Graeme (new)

Graeme Rodaughan Hi all,

I'm looking for thoughts, comments, and suggestions with regard to the following tag line and back cover blurb.

The context is a 350+ page action fest where an intrepid team of super-powered heroes have to infiltrate an insanely well-defended fortress to destroy the AI that is kept there.

The objective is met (or not as the case may be), there is a flight from the fortress by the surviving members of the team, and pursuit by the villains which culminates in a mighty, pitched, dramatic battle.

Complicating matters, the MC's grandfather, a legendary warrior who returns from exile is the key to the fortress, but harbors his own agenda which he will ruthlessly pursue.

NOTE: This is the 5th book in an ongoing series.

TAG LINE: (for use with the blurb on the Amazon product page).

"So, a fortress surrounded by miles of bare plain, fitted with multiple fence lines, sensors to detect tunneling, roving ground and aerial drones, surface to air missile systems, rail guns, phalanx systems, laser grids, autonomous flechette guns, and guarded by platoons of genetically engineered super-soldiers and militarized vampires backed by a near AI surveillance system ... AND YOU WANT US TO GO IN THERE?!?!!!"

BACK COVER BLURB:

ON THE EDGE OF ANNIHILATION!

The Order of Thoth is on the verge of destruction. Arthur Slayne has returned from exile. The foremost foe of the Vampire Dominion seeks to aid the Mirovar force team.

The secret location of the Panopticon has been revealed within a Vampire Dominion fortress of terrifying defenses. Only someone bereft of sanity, or a Slayne, would attempt to infiltrate it.

Anton and his friends must defeat the might of the Vampire Dominion, but will Anton’s grandfather prove to be his strongest ally, or will he prove to be a foe with a dark agenda more dangerous than his arch-nemesis, general Chloe Armitage?

END

Any assistance would be much appreciated.

Thanks

Cheers Graeme


message 2: by M.L. (last edited Jul 09, 2018 08:36AM) (new)

M.L. | 1126 comments Hi Graeme,

It sounds like a fun read with graphic novel-type action. I looked at reviews for book 3 and this quote jumped out:

"Violence will be my friend . . . "
Since this is book 4, I think it's fine to mention Anton's friends by name.


"Violence will be my friend . . . "

To reach the fortress of ______, Anton, Li, and the Raven, face miles of barren plain, multiple fence lines, sensors detecting aerial drones, surface to air missiles, rail guns, phalanx systems, laser grids, autonomous flechette guns, and platoons of genetically engineered super-soldiers and militarized vampires backed by a near AI surveillance system. Nothing will stop them.

You could also leave it the way it is originally. I would suggest taking out the "So" at the beginning, however it sounds like a quote in the book so leaving it in works too. Overall, I think what you have fits the story and content.


message 3: by Graeme (new)

Graeme Rodaughan Thanks M.L.

It's always great to get some feedback.


message 4: by Jacob (new)

Jacob Long | 3 comments It sounds intriguing.

Someone who is following the series may not need these things but I have a couple of thoughts
1) could the significance of the Panoptican be more clarified? and
2) could there be more explanation of what's at stake if Slayne and his team don't achieve their goal?
Also, where can I find this series?


message 5: by Graeme (new)

Graeme Rodaughan REVISED BLURB #1: (Tag Line is still WIP). Tightened up the phrasing.

ON THE EDGE OF ANNIHILATION!

The Order of Thoth is on the verge of destruction. Arthur Slayne has returned from exile. The foremost foe of the Vampire Dominion seeks to aid the Mirovar force team.

The secret location of the Panopticon has been revealed within a Vampire Dominion fortress of terrifying defenses. Only someone bereft of sanity would attempt to infiltrate it, or a Slayne.

Anton and his friends must defeat the might of the Vampire Dominion, but will Anton’s grandfather prove to be his strongest ally, or is he a foe with a dark agenda more dangerous than Anton's arch-nemesis, general Chloe Armitage?


message 6: by Graeme (new)

Graeme Rodaughan Jacob wrote: "It sounds intriguing. ..."

The Panopticon is a close to full AI, pervasive surveillance system used by the Vampire Dominion (the bad guys) to help them against the Order of Thoth (some of the good guys) and the Red Empire (sorta possibly good guys). Loss of the Panopticon will blind the Vampire Dominion and make life a lot easier for the good guys (who are very much on the back foot at this point in time - i.e. on the edge of annihilation...) and strategically even the odds in their favor and get them back into the game.

For anyone hitting the 5th book, this will all be understood.


message 7: by Graeme (last edited Jul 09, 2018 04:48PM) (new)

Graeme Rodaughan WIP Tag Lin #1:

"Sneak into an impenetrable fortress. Defeat the super-soldiers, and militarized vampires. Destroy the AI surveillance system. What could possibly go wrong?"


message 8: by Jacob (last edited Jul 09, 2018 07:06PM) (new)

Jacob Long | 3 comments Hi Graeme,

I think that it's engaging and it's the right amount of information. It definitely works as is, and you have a lot more experience than I do so I'm just brainstorming at this point, but I did come up with a few modifications for the last paragraph that may or may not be helpful. Let me know what you think:

In order to overcome this fortress and turn the tide of war in their favor, Anton and his friends may require the aid of his grandfather, (name) but will he prove to be their strongest ally, or is (grandfather's name) a foe with a dark agenda more dangerous than Anton's arch-nemesis, general Chloe Armitage?

(Grandfather's name twice may be redundant)

-Jacob


message 9: by Graeme (new)

Graeme Rodaughan Hi Jacob,

Arthur Slayne, Anton's GF is this aspect - "Complicating matters, the MC's grandfather, a legendary warrior who returns from exile is the key to the fortress, but harbors his own agenda which he will ruthlessly pursue."

I don't want to spell out too strongly that Arthur is the key to the fortress.

The narrative demands that there 'must be a way in,' otherwise the story stops with everyone moping around with nothing to do.

Thanks for your proposal, gives me something to consider.


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