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Blurb Help - Fantasy, The Soulweb
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Mod
[first part of second paragraph]Jaron, a librarian's apprentice, discovered that his whole life was only a disguise. His friends, Ellian and Keras, weren’t who he thought they were, and his father whom he thought was dead, wasn’t. [this goes to the front]
[the first "paragraph"] The spell of an ancient ancestor king throws Jaron into the middle of a war when that king returns from beyond the grave. // I personally think that "ancient ancestor" is a bit wacky. Maybe cut one or reword this part? Maybe add the fact that more than just the king returned from the grave or is doing something nasty, as you mention in your description above the blurb? More undead = larger threat, right?
[the rest]In a war between kings, he might be the final piece of a plan that started centuries ago. Does Jaron have the strength to become the person everyone else expects him to be?
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I hope I was able to help.
Jaron, a young librarian's apprentice, discovers that his whole life is only a disguise. His friends, Ellian and Keras, weren’t who he thought they were, and his father whom he thought was dead, wasn’t. The spell of an ancient king throws the three friends into the middle of a war when the long dead king, with his knights behind him, returns from beyond the grave. In a war between kings, Jaron might be the final piece of a plan that started centuries ago.
Called a cross between Harry Potter and The Hobbit , The Soulweb is a fun fantasy romp with adventure, suspense, and chills.
I don't know enough about Jason (does he like being an apprentice, etc.) so some placeholders.Jaron is a library apprentice. His biggest challenge is carrying heavy tomes up creaky ladders and stuffing them onto dusty shelves. He doesn't know what real adventure is or how to go about saving anyone. But his life is about to change. His father returns from the grave, his own best friends are not who he thought they were, and a long-dead king believed to be in hell is set on killing him.
Mod
The Soulweb is a fun fantasy romp with adventure, suspense, and chills. Since most fantasy has those elements, this is needless.
The spell of an ancient ancestor king throws Jaron into the middle of a war when that king returns from beyond the grave. Finally. Something of interest. Maybe expand on this a tad and leave the fluff out at the beginning.
Jaron, a librarian's apprentice, discovered that his whole life was only a disguise. His friends, Ellian and Keras, weren’t who he thought they were, and his father whom he thought was dead, wasn’t. In a war between kings, he might be the final piece of a plan that started centuries ago. Also interesting, but short on details. Most fantasy I've read deals with people finding out they aren't what they thought they were or everything around them being a lie. How is yours different? What makes yours unique?
Does Jaron have the strength to become the person everyone else expects him to be? I don't know. I don't know what that would entail. When you ask a question like this in a blurb, be sure to have some substance behind it. There seems to be three versions of Jaron, who he is, who he thinks he is, and who he is supposed to be. I don't know anything about these three.
It's a good start, but there's not much in here that's solid. Tell us about your book and leave the Hobbit and Harry Potter out of it.
I wish I wasn’t at work right now. Great responses. Thank you all.
Mod
Oh, how I know that feeling. Stuck in the early hours of a twenty-some hour shift, wanting to write... blech.
I also get very put off by comparisons to famous things. Either it's something I know and love (like Harry Potter and LOTR) in which case my thought tends to be... "suuuure, it's like LOTR... yeah right" or it's just name dropping names I don't care about and that makes me less interested. So yeah, I would agree with all the others who said to leave that whole part out. I like M.L's suggested blurb.
And I agree that you should focus on the dead king stuff, because that is interesting. I was definitely much more intrigued by the description you gave above than by the blurb because it was too vague.
So this is an updated blurb. It's still a bit clunky, though.------------------------------------
Jaron, a young librarian's apprentice, discovers that his whole life is only a disguise. His friends, Ellian and Keras, weren’t who he thought they were, and his father whom he thought was dead, wasn’t. Time spent pushing heavy tomes onto marble shelves and translating archaic text until the wee hours of the night could not prepare him for the trials in store for him. After a life of teaching history, he will learn that the books did not always tell the truth.
The books say, centuries ago, a king, Mavius Keltenon, cast a spell upon his knights in an attempt to live forever. The aftermath of that spell caused destruction beyond reasoning as Mavius and those loyal to him were destroyed in a massive earthquake. What the lessons do not teach is that it was no mere quake. The spell had offended a demon and that demon dragged the king all of his army into the Under-Realm. But the spell survived.
The spell of that long dead king pulls Jaron and his friends into the middle of a war when Mavius, with his knights behind him, returns from beyond the grave to reclaim his throne. In a war between kings, Jaron Keltenon might be the final piece of a plan that started centuries ago.
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As far as the comparison, I don't have a credible source. Several people that have read the book have told me that. Not one of them, though, has written a review to put it in writing. I'll drop it.
Mod
And I think dropping the comparison is a good idea, it can be misleading and do more harm than good, in my opinion. Even if it was said by an acclaimed critic, it'd still be a double-edged blade.
Good luck with getting some interested readers!
I like it. If the cover gets my attention, then I do a look inside; if I like that, then a sample. If it's still a go, then I'll go and read the full blurb. If the blurb reinforces what I'm already thinking, then I'll buy it. I did that recently but in that case the blurb was not long enough. In this case, with a different cover, yes.My only question in the first paragraph, it says he is a young apprentice, then at the end of the paragraph it says after a life of teaching history. To me that's somewhat of a contradiction but he could have started young in his teaching life.
Since there's been a comparison to HP, the blurb for Sorcerer's Stone in GR is all about Harry. It doesn't mention his friends. The story is so well-known that it doesn't matter. But it's worth considering to focus on Jaron. That said, this is a good blurb, definitely gets me curious about it.
Jaron wasn't ready for this. He was living a simple life as a librarians assistant. But everything he thought he knew, is a lie. His mentor and two best friends, Ellian and Keras, are actually his guardians. Guardians set in place to protect him if ever his father, long deceased, should try to assassinate him. Now Jaron is fighting for his life. Trying to stay alive in a spiraling web of chaos that has pitted him against his own family. Who is Jaron's father really? And why is he trying to claim his life?
The blurb tells how the main character ended up in a predicament. But I need a clue about what he is going to do now. Not in details, obviously, but some hint. Is he going to train as a warrior, will he be on the run, learn magical skills? That will tell me more about what to expect than getting a detailed description of how he got into the situation.
John wrote: "The blurb tells how the main character ended up in a predicament. But I need a clue about what he is going to do now. Not in details, obviously, but some hint. Is he going to train as a warrior, will he be on the run, learn magical skills?..."That's so funny. The answer to all three of those is yes.
I have been worried about telling the whole tale on the blurb. That is perhaps why I make the mistake of giving so little information.
Mod
I have been worried about telling the whole tale on the blurb. That is perhaps why I make the mistake of giving so little information. "
The two most common mistakes I see in people's blurbs are not giving enough information or giving too much. And this is understandable. This is what makes a blurb so tricky. You want to pique interest without telling your whole book. You want to tell just enough to get the reader to turn to that first page - and it's so easy to over shoot or under shoot.
Speaking as a reader... in this case (and many others) I see over shooting the set up and under shooting the actual story. And it's the actual story that tells the blurb reader what to expect.Take The Da Vinci Code. If that blurb was written in the same style it would give a detailed description of how Langdon got framed for a murder and then end there or with a vague statement about him now being in trouble. And we wouldn't know what to expect.
The actual blurb (there may be variations) reads:
"... In a breathless race through Paris, London, and beyond, Langdon and Neveu match wits with a faceless powerbroker who seems to anticipate their every move. Unless Langdon and Neveu can decipher the labyrinthine puzzle in time ..."
"Breathless race" => action. "match wits" => plotting and planning, and then deciphering puzzles. NOW we know what kind of story to expect. And yes, we also know that Langdon and Neveu will team up, and that they will travel to London. But in my opinion, it's worth the cost to give this away. And anyway, how much do we actually remember from the blurb once we get into the book?
Likewise in this blurb, a sentence or two about training as warrior etc would not be telling the full tale, but it would tell a lot about what to expect from the book.
Steven, is your book already available? Anyway, I was bored and played around with your blurb some more, just for fun. Jaron is a librarian's apprentice who spends his time teaching history in the day and translating archaic text until the wee hours of the night. His most recent translation is a book written centuries ago about King Mavius Keltenon. A massive earthquake mysteriously swallowed up King Mavius and his sworn knights. As Jaron continues to uncover the mystery of the King, he finds that the lessons do not teach the truth. The king had entered into dark magic’s in an attempt to gain immortality. Magic’s that offended a demon, dragging the king and all of his army into the Under-Realm. However, Jaron learns that the king had succeeded.
Now King Mavius, with his knights behind him, has returned from beyond the grave to assassinate Jaron and reclaim his throne. Jaron finds his blood might be the key to breaking the king’s immortality. His friends, Ellian and Keras, reveal their true selves and in a war between kings, Jaron Keltenon might be the final piece of a plan. A plan that started centuries ago.
Reading all of your takes on my blurb is so entertaining...I love it and now I want to write those versions!Here is the most recent....
Jaron, a young librarian's apprentice, discovers that his whole life is only a disguise. His friends, Ellian and Keras, weren’t who he thought they were, and his father whom he thought was dead, wasn’t. Time spent pushing heavy tomes onto marble shelves and translating archaic text until the wee hours of the night could not prepare him for the trials in store for him. After years of teaching history, he will learn that the books did not always tell the truth.
Centuries ago, the books say, King Mavius Keltenon cast a spell upon his knights in an attempt to live forever. The aftermath of that spell caused destruction beyond reasoning as Mavius and those loyal to him were lost in a massive earthquake. What the lessons do not teach is that it was no mere quake. The king’s spell wove a web around and through the souls of his knights. But in his haste, Mavius neglected the source of his power, a demon. Offended, the demon dragged the king and all of his army into the Under-Realm. But the Soulweb survived.
Even now the spell of that long dead king pulls at his descendants and Jaron must trade his books for blades when Mavius, with his knights behind him, returns from beyond the grave to reclaim his throne.
In a war between kings, Jaron Keltenon might be the final piece of a plan that started centuries ago.
Deletions have strike-through. Additions in italic. Comments in parenthesis.- - - - -
Jaron, a young librarian's apprentice, discovers that his whole life is a lie
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Foget backstory. Talk about the problems he faces now. An info-dump of backstory here is just as much a rejection-getter as it is in the novel’s opening. Focus on getting the reader to turn to page one. That is the real, and only job of the blurb. It’s the writing that sells the piece to the reader or the acquiring editor, not the blurb. So hit the big-ticket emotional items in the protagonist’s present.
The last line is a good one, though. Just smooth the part between it and the first line. 😆
I just got an idea for your blurb which keeps some of the main things you want to have in there, but with less description and a little more urgency: ...
Jaron, a young Librarian's apprentice seeks to find truth in the dusty tomes of his kingdom's history. But the books don't always tell the truth.
A King who seeks to live forever, at whatever cost.
A spell that reaches the souls of Knights.
A demon, offended.
And an untold disaster whose destructive power history records simply as an earthquake.
Will Jaron be ready when a long-dead King comes back to reclaim his throne? Will he be ready to trade his books for blades when he discovers that history is not yet finished and that his entire life is intertwined with a war of Kings?
Are you ready to throw yourself into his adventure?
/2 cents
Essentially, Jaron's ancestor, a king, placed a spell on both his knights and anyone loyal to him. This spell tied their souls to his, even after death. When he was dragged into hell, they were dragged in with him. Well, now they're all back. This king would not want potential heirs to be able to command his knights upon his return, so he has been murdering them from hell. Our main character is the heir and travels with a mentor and his two best friends to (at first) try and stay alive, and (eventually) join the fight against the long dead king.
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Called a cross between Harry Potter and The Hobbit, The Soulweb is a fun fantasy romp with adventure, suspense, and chills.
The spell of an ancient ancestor king throws Jaron into the middle of a war when that king returns from beyond the grave.
Jaron, a librarian's apprentice, discovered that his whole life was only a disguise. His friends, Ellian and Keras, weren’t who he thought they were, and his father whom he thought was dead, wasn’t. In a war between kings, he might be the final piece of a plan that started centuries ago.
Does Jaron have the strength to become the person everyone else expects him to be?
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I'm worried both about saying too much and saying too little.