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Journals : T-Z > This is my life

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message 1: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra | 6 comments I've always had a hard time letting people in. (past experiences, and trauma). Only a few people know the real me, and what I've been through. But, here I'm telling my story...
feel free to comment your story as well :)

message 2: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra | 6 comments When I was little I went to a Christian school. I went there between kindergarten and fifth grade. I met my best friend there and we've been like sisters since! I remember when my mom told me she was switching me to a public school. I cried for hours. I didn't wanna ride the bus, have a locker, and deal with the big scary middle school kids. I was terrified at 11 years old.
flash-forward six months ahead.
My mom waved as she pulled away from the curb. I fought back the tears as I walked into the school with my pale blue backpack and packed lunch. My best friend was waiting by the door for me with tears in her eyes. She was just as terrified as I was.
"We got this, Alex!" She said with a smile through her tears. I nodded, trying not to cry and pulled open the door to the middle school. Now, its been over thirteen years since that day. I always think about the butterfly one small thing can change the coarse of your life.
Middle school was rough...anyone who says it was easy is wrong. I dealt with bullying, crushes, and the awkward stage of adolescence. I could go into depth about all of that, but that is a story for another time.
High School wasn't to bad to be honest. I was still the awkward teenager, but I was growing up. I was eighteen when I went into my senior year. I was about a year older than the other kids. Most of my friends were younger than me by a couple months or three years. My sister was sophomore, so a lot of her friends were mine. My first boyfriend was a year and a half younger. Looking back now it was a little creepy for a eighteen year old to be dating a sixteen year old. But, he looked a lot older than me. I've always looked younger than I what I actually am. People always think I'm 21 when I'm actually 24. Well, that is all I can write for now. I have to get ready to go to work. Later!

message 3: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra | 6 comments My cousin dropped dead when she was nineteen. I was three months older than her. We grew up playing together. We played house with our other cousins, had sleepovers in the summers, listened to music together and talked about boys. When I was twelve years old she stopped talking to me. The teenage years were kicking in. After that we rarely talked at family functions. We would always say a brief hello and give each other awkward hugs. She was bullied in high school from her so called friends. It wasn't the mild bullying I got in middle school. While I got called ugly or was picked on, she was left notes in her locker that said "go kill your self." My Aunt and Uncle fought with the school about these bullys. All the administration said was "kids will be kids." She was home taught after that. Lets jump ahead to 2013. I remember the date exactly it was May, 10th. Me and my sister had just gotten home from seeing the movie The Great Gatsby with Leonardo DiCaprio. I remember I was sitting upstairs in my bed reading or something. My mom called me and sister down stairs. I knew something was wrong based off the tone in her voice. We hurried down to see tears coming from her eyes. I have always had this gut feeling when I know something isn't right. That sense was kicking in. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Kyleighs gone." Me and my sister had a best friend with the same name. So I thought it was our friend.
"What happened did she run away?" I asked. My mom sniffled and cried a little harder.
"Your cousin." She shouted. I had honestly kind of forgotten about her. Since I never saw her only at Christmas time.
"She's dead." My mom confirmed. I sat frozen. Dead? How? After that everything went blank. I don't remember what happened. Somehow I ran upstairs crashing into my bed with tears. I was going through a lot as it was with a previous break-up. This was something else being added to my stress.
My beautiful cousin had a blood clot in her heart. My aunt found her laying on her bedroom floor. It was to late to save her. She was so young and had her whole life to live. It was cut to short. I've always been told I look just like her. That we were so much alike. It breaks my heart that I wasn't close to her in those final years. Its been five years now. I still remember her and think about her often. When I look in the mirror I see her staring back at me sometimes, we were always told we could pass as sisters. I've lost a few people in my-life some died and some were friendships and relationships gone sour. But, my cousin is the one person I will never forget.

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1486 comments I am really sorry Alexandra

message 5: by m (new)

m | 1 comments Hey... the story of your cousin kinda hit home for me. I was really close with my cousin too - she is probably the only person on earth who knows me for who I really am, which is why I’m sad that we stopped talking. I only hear about her wellbeing in passing; whether it’s from her Mum or if we’re at a family event.

But yeah, I’m really sorry for your loss. Your story reminds me that life is too short, so we should get in touch with the ones we love sooner because we never know when it’ll be too late.

- x

Phoenix~They/Them | 4631 comments I've actually had my trust shattered by a close friend in elementary school who stole from me and lied

Phoenix~They/Them | 4631 comments Sorry for popping in, the whole trust thing you said made me think of that so I wanted to share

message 8: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra | 6 comments m wrote: "Hey... the story of your cousin kinda hit home for me. I was really close with my cousin too - she is probably the only person on earth who knows me for who I really am, which is why I’m sad that w..."
There are so many things I wish I could say to her now that shes gone. I don't hold back now on telling people how I feel, because they can be gone in second just like her. I hope you back in touch with your cousin again. It's never to late to get back in touch :)

message 9: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra | 6 comments I should say something to someone...I really should. Here is where I admit that I was molested when I was a child, by my cousin. My mom always told me to scream if someone was touching me or hurting me. Maybe she knew what was happening to me and that was her way of trying to get me to speak-up. I was eight after all. Eight year old should be in fear of their older cousin, but I was and fifteen years later I still am. Seeing him makes me furious. I'm the type of person who loves people with her whole heart, but all I have for him is hate and anger. He lives a few hours north of me thank goodness....He is now married and had three adorable girls who my aunt takes for a week or two every few months. They are so sweet and innocent. They obviously don't know about what their Dad did to me years ago...only my husband and my parents do. Maybe if I would have said something back when I was little he wouldn't even be a father. Anyway my Aunt has the girls this week and I was over helping her watch them. I kept thinking about the terrifying thoughts of him doing the same terrible things to them. I hope to God he doesn't. But, it is highly possible that he does. Recently I've been contemplating on telling someone other than the people who know. But, what would good would it do??? Nobody could prove anything now, unless he confesses to it. I hate him for making me think this way and worrying about HIS DAUGHTERS. He made me unable to trust anyone for years. I get triggered when someone grabs me by my arms. Because I remember being held down as I tried to free my small body. How am I supposed to just "forget" about this? It's been years and I just can't.

Please don't comment anything rude or offensive on this! There is a lot of people like me that have deal with this on a daily basis. Rape is something to never joke or poke fun about.

message 10: by Alexandra (new)

Alexandra | 6 comments My first good memory was in my Dad's 1978 Scottsdale Chevy. I grew up on a farm. Some of the best memories of my childhood were made on the family farm. I was maybe four and my sister was two. I was sitting by the window and my sister was on my dads lap. I remember him driving us through the fields while he played his old cassette tapes. I don't remember what it was probably Tom Petty ,REO Speedwagon, or Bon Jovi. I remember laughing as he drove through the fields. I thought it was fast, but he was probably going only 30 miles per hour with a two year old and his lap and a four year old sitting on the seat beside him. The truck now sits outside rotting with sun, rain, and snow. That truck was a important piece of my-life. I also drove it around the farm when I was fourteen while I was learning to drive. Sometimes I climb in there and sit on the worn out seats. In there on the sun visor is a picture of my mom when she was eighteen. He put the picture there when they started dating and never took it off. It us now faded by the sun, but you can still make out that it was my mother over about thirty years ago. I asked him a few years ago if I could restore it with the help of my husband and his buddy. He made a few excuses about how it would be a lot of work and cost a lot of money. It makes me sad how things just get forgotten and old, esspecially something that was your first real memory.

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