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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > Feedback on cover, blurb, 1st line of fantasy book

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message 1: by Airic (last edited Jun 06, 2018 04:12PM) (new)

Airic Fenn | 7 comments Hello, I'd love to have some feedback on the cover, blurb and first line of my fantasy book, Race from Adonis: Treason.




Blurb:
Krystal Monarain never knew her parents. So, when a stranger with a knowledge of magic and information concerning her heritage appears in her life, (clearly) the only logical thing to do is follow him into Arai; a strange realm where magic is combined with machinery.

Jair, a bounty hunter and native of Arai, has his own problems. For years, he has hoped to one day be free from the man he once called saviour. Instead, he’s stuck with an all-too-happy red-haired woman and a child who likes to play pranks.

Javis, having finally returned home from his most recent diplomatic mission, has found himself thrown into a realm of secrets that even the government is unaware of after looking into the mysterious rumours about a man who looks like his dead brother.

There are traitors within the government, and none of these three could be prepared for the roles they unwittingly play within this world of politics and rebellion.

First line:
When most people dream, they have no recollection of ever falling asleep.

Thank you!


message 2: by Keith (new)

Keith Oxenrider (mitakeet) | 1167 comments Probably not what you want to hear, but the only thing that grabbed me at all was your first sentence. I personally think the whole first sentence thing is overblown and have never been fully committed to the whole first paragraph thing. Loglines are different, and highly specialized, but the first sentence of your story should be focused on your story and not on impressing someone who won't read the second sentence if they don't like the first.

The cover doesn't tell me anything, except, maybe, the story is hazy and out of focus. Probably not the vibe you're looking for.

You're blurb introduces five people (Krystal, stranger, Jair, red-haired woman and Javis (which, btw, is too close to Jair)) and a location (Arai), which is too much for anyone to focus on. I get no sense of why "(clearly)" is in there. I'm terrible with parentheticals (clearly ;-) so have lots of experience with people telling me there are too many in my writing. For me, it adds nothing as a parenthetical and just distracts.

I suggest you select one character to focus on, two at the most (that's the case for romances; three characters is really pushing things and makes it very hard to generate any sympathy) and then write about your 'strange realm where magic is combined with machinery.'

If you'd like to PM me, I can send you a link to a blog post where I describe what I feel is an effective way to create a blurb and synopsis.

Good luck!


message 3: by Airic (new)

Airic Fenn | 7 comments Keith wrote: "Probably not what you want to hear, but the only thing that grabbed me at all was your first sentence. I personally think the whole first sentence thing is overblown and have never been fully commi..."

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Given that I'm new at this, it's great to see the first impressions that these things give off before I try to get my book published.


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