Support for Indie Authors discussion
Blurb Workshop
>
Blurb Help - Science Fiction, Echo Nova Delta
date
newest »
newest »
Mod
Already, in one sentence, we're given a lot of information, yet I'm left in the dark. First, if I were looking for a sci-fi book and ran across the word "dragons" immediately, I might put it back, thinking this is fantasy. More than this, I have no idea who James is, then you mention Sam. Nothing is given yet about who they are or why we should or should not care about them.
For James and Sam, this could be the next step in unlocking the mysteries behind the Expansion Project, The what? What was the first step? The second? I have no knowledge of who Sam or James are, and you're tossing the Expansion Project at me.
the Argyra creature, The what?
and James and Anna’s exile across the universe. Still don't know who James is and now you have him exiled for... whatever reason... with someone else I don't know.
It could also mean having to face down some of the ghosts from their pasts. So, they have dragons, planets going explody, some kind of project, some guy named Sam, a creature, an exile, and now ghosts. Slow down! You're piling too much on!
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Colonel Jennings and his think tank are working to solve the same mysteries. The main one being who are James, Sam, and Anna and why should we care about them? Now we have another character being tossed in.
Employing the help of a former spy associate and some rogue pilots Oh, good. More to keep track of.
the team seeks to expose the threats behind the project, So, they're from Earth as is the spaceship that's blowing up planets... but they're not part of the project... or maybe they are... I'm confused.
find James and Anna, Isn't James watching one of their ships destroy planets?
and bring home a cosmically wayward group of scientists before they fall victim to the crew of mercenaries led by Alexander Cole WHO? SLOW DOWN!
and the Argyra creature that had reeked so much havoc on the planet. Which planet? The one being destroyed by Earth?
As each thread gets pulled, the light begins to work its way into the shadows. *sigh* So? I'm sure this is all symbolic of something, but without understanding any of what I read above, I don't know what these shadows, the threads, and the light are.
Unfortunately the threats that are lurking there may be far worse than they ever anticipated. Of course. Yep.
Brian,
You're making mistakes many make in writing blurbs.
First, you're assuming we know everything about your book already and giving us nothing to connect to. Focus on what is most important in the book. Give us one or two characters to get to know, even a little. You have a bunch of characters listed off, but we know nothing about any of them. I don't know James. I don't know Sam. I don't know Anna. This is your first chance to introduce them to readers. Don't assume we already know who they are.
Second, your blurb is an info dump. Perhaps you're expecting readers to get excited at the idea of planets being destroyed, dragons, space ships, some kind of creature, and so on. Some might. Many readers are looking for a story. There's a story in this, I'm sure, but you're dumping so much of it out, it's hard to figure out what the main plot is.
Who is your main character? What is their primary goal? What is the theme of the book? What is the main plot? You don't have to reveal all these in the blurb, but if you focus on at least one or two of them, you can come up with a blurb that is much more enticing and interesting.
Dwayne wrote: "The words “you may slay one dragon, but you’ll awaken five more” echoed in James’ mind as he watched a ship from Earth try to destroy a messenger ship carrying a distress beacon from Sam’s home pla..."Very awesome feedback, it made me realize I forgot one very important detail, which is that this is a sequel to my first book, The Expansion Project. I'm debating how much I need to introduce characters/concepts vs other use of the limited text. Please let me know if that changes your perception on some of these. I'll continue to work through the rest. Thanks again!
Mod
Hopefully you'll have a few writers and readers of series come along and offer their advice.
You might start with something like:Killing the dragon did not solve anything. It made matters worse. James awakened five more dragons and the xxxxx project is about to fail.
Then you can go into the longer blurb. Book 2 in the xxxx series finds xxxx
Something like that. Your readers will know by the series # in the title that it's book 2 and so will new readers. A short intro sentence, followed by the option to 'read more' works pretty well.
Even being a sequel, I think tuning towards Dwayne's suggestions makes sense. Prospective readers might end up seeing his book first. If it sounds compelling, and it's clear there's an earlier book, they can put this one down and buy the first, but if they're confused or put off by the description what are the odds they'll back up and check out your first?For those who have read the first book of the series, they may not need to look at this at all if they're committed enough, but even if they do, a more drama-summary version ought to work find for them as a reminder of where they left off and what's coming up. You could definitely trim down many of the details, especially all the proper names:
"Three friends venture through space in search of answers to a mystery tied to their past. If they don't find it, [TERRIBLE X] could happen." + "A team on Earth wants those same answers, in order to protect the planet and bring the spacefarers home." (That's probably *too* summarized, and also probably interpreted a bit wrong, but it emphasizes what's at stake, without running through a dozen names and plot points.)
Also, important: You want "wreaked" = caused; "reeked" means smelled bad.
Mod
Good catch. I missed that. Maybe the Argyra is just one big smelly monster.
You are all awesome and thank you for your help. I've done some trimming based on the suggestions but still battling a bit with Character introductions. Here is some context and the latest revision of anyone has any suggestions:James: Former spy who was launched into outer space to prevent shedding light on ulterior motives of a space project
Anna: James' wife and NASA pilot
Sam: Friendly alien whose people have taken in James and Anna
The Argyra: A nasty (and possibly smelly) shape shifting monster from the depths of space
The Expansion Project: The first book and the title of the mission that is covered therein (which includes government conspiracies and coverup regarding a link the Argyra creature)
Latest Revision:
The world is always going to be broken. Are you sure you want to pull back the curtain? What if the lies have been coming from your own side? Where would you stand in Round Two?
These were the questions James asked himself as he watched a ship from Earth attempt to destroy a messenger vessel carrying a distress beacon from Sam’s home planet. For James and Sam, this could be the next step in unlocking the mysteries behind the Expansion Project and the Argyra creature. It could also mean having to face down some of the ghosts from their pasts.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, the clock is ticking to get James, Anna, and the other cosmically wayward teams back home before they encounter the dreaded Argyra and its new band of mind-jacked mercenaries.
As each group manages to shed some light on their situation, they quickly find that the threats that are lurking in the shadows may be far worse than they ever anticipated.
Just one opinion but I think there are too many questions. As a prospective reader I don't mind one question but if there are a bunch, I would probably pass. The exception is if I was already planning to read the book.Suggestion:
Have you ever found yourself on the wrong side of an argument?
James believed in xxxx until he watched the spaceship attempt to slaughter innocent people aboard xxx.
I don't know the story well enough to be more specific, but that's the basic idea.
Going back to the first question about creating interest. The dragon. There are lots of dragons, readers love them. The overlap of fantasy/SF is not new. So you could bring that in if you like.For example:
James thought the only dragon in space was constellation Draco. Until he encounters the monster "Argyra" a galactic hydra whose death engenders more of its kind.
As a scientist aboard xxx his mission is to xxx.
***
The only thing about 'Draco' is that it's the same name as one of Rowling's best-known characters, however it is a constellation.
If the Argyra figures prominently in the story, that's the angle I would be interested in and then weave in more details.
------
The words “you may slay one dragon, but you’ll awaken five more” echoed in James’ mind as he watched a ship from Earth try to destroy a messenger ship carrying a distress beacon from Sam’s home planet. For James and Sam, this could be the next step in unlocking the mysteries behind the Expansion Project, the Argyra creature, and James and Anna’s exile across the universe. It could also mean having to face down some of the ghosts from their pasts.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Colonel Jennings and his think tank are working to solve the same mysteries. Employing the help of a former spy associate and some rogue pilots, the team seeks to expose the threats behind the project, find James and Anna, and bring home a cosmically wayward group of scientists before they fall victim to the crew of mercenaries led by Alexander Cole and the Argyra creature that had reeked so much havoc on the planet.
As each thread gets pulled, the light begins to work its way into the shadows. Unfortunately the threats that are lurking there may be far worse than they ever anticipated.