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It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
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Members' Chat > First sentences of terrible novels

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Kristin B. Bodreau (krissy22247) | 719 comments I don't remember where I came across It Was a Dark and Stormy Night, but I'm so glad I did. This is the first in a series of books that compiles entries into The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

This is a contest to create the worst possible opening line to an imaginary novel.

A few of my favorites so far are:

“The battered coupe accelerated like a pregnant water buffalo, rode like a three-legged gazelle tumbling down an escalator, and handled like a Doberman on acid; but it had gotten Bobby-Bob out of a jam here and a tight spot there, and he’d be damned if those city slickers would turn it into Zippo lighters.”

and

"Mary Jane turned her wedding band to the left and her hand to the right and her eyes straight upward, and then she said a roundabout prayer for her jumbled-up marriage, which had just gone down the drain."


I'm about a third of the way into this amusing compilation and what I haven't seen much of are SFF entries. I thought that with such a talented group here we could come up with some. What would be the first terrible line of your imaginary SFF novel?


message 2: by Shanna (new)

Shanna | 43 comments "Yeehaw!" Dirk hollered as he throttled up the turbo-boosters and screeched through the maze of battered Bewozzletyne ships, as his copilot, Elucidity, who he had picked up on Antarix in the Hyphocontin sector while delivering Holoxenographologies to the Quirgs, laughed maniacally at the destruction.


message 3: by Allison, Fairy Mod-mother (new)

Allison Hurd | 13043 comments Mod
omg this is great


Kristin B. Bodreau (krissy22247) | 719 comments Hilda the Horrible sighed, lamenting for the millionth time that you could not choose your own familiar, as Peaches the micro pig gamboled around her ankles, squealing happily, amidst the evil witch's attempt to menacingly curse the first born of the young king who was at that moment trying, and failing, to contain his mirth.


message 5: by Stevie (new)

Stevie Roach Mary Smith, the famous surgeon (though famous not for her surgical skills, which were mediocre, but for her hair, which was legendary) stared daggers at Mary Smith, who confusingly not only had the same name, but was also a famous surgeon (though famous for neither her surgical skills, which were atrocious, nor for her hair, which was flat and mousy, but for her poker playing, by which she had become astoundingly rich) and said coldly, "Well, isn't this a fine pickle?"


message 6: by Leonie (new)

Leonie (leonierogers) | 1019 comments Steve wrote: "Mary Smith, the famous surgeon (though famous not for her surgical skills, which were mediocre, but for her hair, which was legendary) stared daggers at Mary Smith, who confusingly not only had the..."

🤣😫🤣


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