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Poetry > Fatherhood, Fear, Love, and Porn -- The Family Stuff

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message 1: by Taylor (new)

Taylor "I'm really scared for you," he said,
and I've never been happier to slam a car door and never look back.
Is that what love means to him? Fear?
Is that why he loves God so much?
And I'm asking myself, Why wasn't he scared when sleeping was a huge problem for me?
Or breathing?
Or letting my heart beat?
And why was he so focused on himself when I tried to hospitalize myself by pounding my head with a hardcover cookbook?
That's my dad for you.
All that love and fear he feels is hidden,
Replaced by excuses that hide misunderstanding.
It is not that I don't love him.
I merely wish I didn't wonder if that love was misguided,
And I wish that this love wasn't so smothered by my own fear.
Again, I ask myself if love and fear are the same to him.
And if so, then the scars on my skin are are heartstrings, and the post-traumatic nightmares are wet dreams.
I remember the first time someone criticized my life plan.
"You have so much planned. Are you going to have time to be a father?"
I almost laughed.
Fatherhood was part of my plan, but I realized that I really didn't want to be the reason my children hate life.
But I hate changing plans, so fatherhood is coming, and I want it to be as different for my kids as possible.
I don't avoid pornography because I think it's bad, but because I want to be nothing like him.
And I learned chivalry from the Internet so I could be a step above the patriarchy.
See, I grew up believing chivalry was dead,
replaced by watching butt-naked women on a computer screen.
Love and fear are the same, especially when porn replaces giving your coat to a girl.
If I see a nude, I want my first thought to be, "She looks cold. I wish I could give her my coat."
I also don't want to touch women.
My dad slapped me enough for there to be enough skin contact for a lifetime.
And he has enough fear in his heart that he could only email me to tell me he loves me and is sorry.
And even though love and fear are so confused in his head, I think I have it figured out.
I walk in my front door and the serotonin levels go through the roof and I feel my chest tighten.
I see my siblings' eyes shoot daggers at one another from across the dinner table.
I go to my room.
Shouting ensues.
Anxiety and fear make it difficult to see.
See the dirty clothes on my floor.
See the black and white pattern of my piano keys. A pattern that doesn't exist in emotion.
You know what else I see?
I see the monsters in my closet, which can only be watched through tear-filled eyes.
I don't want my children to see them.
So I will not hit them.
I will not hide my feelings. That way, they can tell when I feel love and when I feel fear.
I will not view porn, so it doesn't get confused in my mind or theirs.
I will be a real father, love and all.


message 2: by Kriss (new)

Kriss (krisslee) | 5015 comments Mod
this was... very emotional. I like it a lot! it is raw and doesn't withhold feelings-your word usage is awesome and just hnhggnejxe. I love it.


message 3: by Alina (new)

Alina (alinapink-rose) | 331 comments Kriss wrote: "this was... very emotional. I like it a lot! it is raw and doesn't withhold feelings-your word usage is awesome and just hnhggnejxe. I love it."

^^My exact reaction. Loved it!


message 4: by Taylor (new)

Taylor @Kriss and Alina

What parts did you like most? What can be changed?


message 5: by Alina (new)

Alina (alinapink-rose) | 331 comments Ah, silly Goodreads, I didn't get a notification for this and only just noticed it now.

Well, the part I liked the most would be the poem in a whole. Though I guess to be more specific, I like the word choice you used, unafraid of what others might think about it, and just expressing yourself. I liked how you said you wouldn't be anything like him, and how you'd be a real father, love and all.

I don't think it needs to be changed at all, nor do I see a way that it can be changed.

I do have a question though, would this be a form of Slam Poetry? Because if so, then I'd suggest changing it to emphasizes the parts that need to be read in a different tone, like some of your other poems.


message 6: by Taylor (new)

Taylor Everything I write is spoken word poetry, so yeah. But I can definitely modify the format to indicate tone shifts. That's important for sharing the text. Thanks!


message 7: by Alina (new)

Alina (alinapink-rose) | 331 comments No problem! :)


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