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Journals : C-F > Evoke Me

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message 1: by Hunter (last edited Aug 21, 2019 08:32AM) (new)

Hunter | 184 comments 'Cause I got you to adore

Nothing is true anymore

Before I begin, let me say that I am very introverted and shy. I've never, not once in my life, had true real-world friends, and since I spend more time on the Internet than talking with peers, my social skills are severely lacking. Yes, I've tried to change that many, many times, but down here, people are cruel, and talking with them is way harder than it should be. In any case, though, you are free to comment on here as long as you show a fair amount of respect to everyone around you.

Please note that there may be darker content here; I'm suffering from chronic depression, and I'm into things - franchises especially - that you may personally find disturbing. Nothing too offensive, though.

What I've been through isn't much

Your heart can heal the pain


message 2: by Hunter (last edited Oct 22, 2019 09:09AM) (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Now for a more detailed introduction.

So, um...hi. You may call me KC. I've been through many aliases in the past, and in some places I still use them, but I've retired most of those. And...ok, where should I even start?

As I said, I'm super introverted and shy in real life. My communication skills suck, and I only ever feel truly comfortable expressing myself through text. (Maybe that's why I enjoy writing so much...but who knows, aha~)

Some facts about me:
* I'm eighteen years old.
* I'm Texas-born, but I hate it down here and want to move out ASAP.
* I'm atheist.
* I'm a trans guy and bisexual.
* I love music, books, anime, manga, and drawing.

I have virtually no confidence and feel strange when people say they look up to me. My past, especially offline, is dark, but I prefer not to talk about it much - I've pushed past it...for the most part. I'm everywhere yet nowhere at the same time, if that's possible, too.

I also can be very, very passionate about the things I love.

Favorite musical artists (in no particular order):
Porter Robinson (+ his Virtual Self side project)
Madeon
Starset
Red
Skillet
Evanescence
Within Temptation
Linkin Park
MC Lars

Series I love:
Persona (2/3/5)
Danganronpa
Kagerou Project
Undertale/Deltarune
Haibane Renmei
Cowboy Bebop
Made In Abyss

I'm a sucker for anything cyberpunk as well, and I tend to incorporate elements of the subgenre into my writing a lot.

And...yeah. That's all I have for now. If you'd like to know anything else (within reason, that is), feel free to ask.


message 3: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments SHINE wrote: "YAY! RED AND SKILLET!"

YESSSSSSSS! Red's End of Silence and Until We Have Faces are two of my favorite albums ever (and I'm getting more addicted by the day to of Beauty and Rage and Gone as well), and there's not a song by Skillet that I dislike.


message 4: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments My life is crumbling like a tower in a windstorm.

Everyday faces are changing, morphing into hideous beasts of fiery emotion and unrestrained hatred.
Nothing good lasts for very long; it's the bad that echoes throughout the caverns of my life and jars my very existence.
An ordinary breath makes me feel as though I'm drowning - drowning in the overload of modern information, in the harsh reality of being a human in this cruel world.
I try to fight it, to hold onto the ropes as best as I can, but it's beyond difficult.

When living becomes unbearable, I fully realize the truth...

..and I scream, knowing no one will come to save me.



message 5: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Heh, it's amazing how well my more edgy writing has aged. I'm literally the embodiment of my own words nowadays.


message 6: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Nobody ever wants to be around me - I'm too different for their tastes.

And it hurts. It hurts like hell.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments I knew your journal title was a reference to Danganronpa! I love the series so much! Who are your favourite characters? What's your favourite game from the series?


message 8: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "I knew your journal title was a reference to Danganronpa! I love the series so much! Who are your favourite characters? What's your favourite game from the series?"

YES!!! *high fives*

My favorite characters are Touko Fukawa (we're both writers, and I really relate to her on the split-personality deal and on being socially awkward) and Ibuki Mioda (I freakin' love her, what can I say?), and my favorite game is probably the second (it's not as simple as the first, but it's also not as mindfuckingly overwhelming as V3).


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments Oooh I like Touko too! I've always felt bad for her. My favourite characters are Chihiro, Celestia, Junko, Sonia, and...I don't know, I don't have any favourite characters from v3 yet. I need to continue playing it some more. Right now I'm kinda leaning towards Himiko but I don't want to set my mind on that in case I end up not liking her or something.


message 10: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "Oooh I like Touko too! I've always felt bad for her. My favourite characters are Chihiro, Celestia, Junko, Sonia, and...I don't know, I don't have any favourite characters from v3 yet. I need to co..."

AAAAAAA I FORGOT ABOUT CHIHIRO! I love Chihiro too. ;-;

And yeah, same - I haven't gotten super far into V3 yet. All I know is that I'm hearing extremely divided opinions about Ouma; most fans seem to think he's best boy, but all my friends hate him. XD


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments Chihiro is best boy!! Like if you cri everytime

I don't have an opinion on him either to be honest. It's actually extremely rare for me to hate fictional characters with every fiber of my being, so likely at worst I'll just find him annoying or something. I don't think I'll absolutely adore him or anything but at the very least I'll like him.


message 12: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "Chihiro is best boy!! Like if you cri everytime

I don't have an opinion on him either to be honest. It's actually extremely rare for me to hate fictional characters with every fiber of my being..."


*likes and cries*

Yea, I see where you're coming from - that's probably what'll happen for me as well.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments I just wish I could convince my mom to play the games too. She keeps going back and forth on whether she wants to or not and they sound like something she would actually really enjoy(she's really big on video games) she watched the first season of the anime for the first game and says she wishes they animated more because she doesn't feel like playing the games. I think she's intimidated by the two-hour long trials because she keeps telling me she's going to find some way to cheat and get rid of them so she can just focus on befriending her classmates haha


message 14: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "I just wish I could convince my mom to play the games too. She keeps going back and forth on whether she wants to or not and they sound like something she would actually really enjoy(she's really b..."

Oh wow lol

I wish I could officially open up to my mom about me liking the games at all - she's strongly against most forms of Japanese culture, and I don't know if she'd approve of me being a fan of games like DR (even though she was totally fine with me liking The Hunger Games when I was 10, oof). The one time she ever mentioned the series to me, it was during a fight, and she referred to it as Dragon Astronaut. >.> Heck, if it weren't for Steam friends, I don't think I'd even be able to play the games.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments Yeah...my mom acts like she's sixteen. She loves video games and anime even more than I do sometimes. She watches me play video games and watch anime sometimes but it's annoying because she's always like: "Who's that hot character?!"

I'm not complaining, believe it or not, but I have to keep reminding myself I am like the only person with a mom like this. You won't believe how many people are in utter disbelief that she's the one with knowledge and expertise on stuff like Dragon Age and all of these obscure anime and I'm not. (Obscure anime, yes, stuff like Dragon Age, no)


message 16: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments (Hey - apologies for just now responding. I'm terrible at communicating, and my depression has been getting worse. *sighs*)

I wish I had family like that - mine don't really interact with me, nor do they seem to care about my interests. Perhaps I'm just not seeing it, though... Ah! I don't know anymore. The only people keeping me sane nowadays are Porter Robinson and Toko Fukawa...and only one of them is real.


message 17: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments I'll be starting my junior year very soon, and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to hell. Sure, it's a new school this time, but I've never felt safe/like I belonged anywhere.

Guess I'll see. :^)


message 18: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments As a child, I used to wonder how people could get so down emotionally.

Now, though, I'm just like, "Big fucking mood."


message 19: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments I'm literally just talking to myself at this point. Why am I bothering anymore?


Alia ~you are not your anxiety~ (aliaongoodreads) | 1725 comments No you're not.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments I feel that. I stayed off the Internet for the past several weeks because I had spiraled into a really deep....I suppose sadness, since I don't think I have actual depression. Everything I did just seemed to make it worse. I didn't even want to write my fanfics, which is pretty much the only thing I feel like I'm good at. I don't even really know how I got out of it, to be honest....

I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this on here, to be honest. Maybe I could write you a Toko thingy to make you feel better? I don't even know.


message 22: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "I feel that. I stayed off the Internet for the past several weeks because I had spiraled into a really deep....I suppose sadness, since I don't think I have actual depression. Everything I did just..."

Oh, I see... I'm sorry for being selfish. ; - ;

It's okay, you really don't have to do anything for me if you don't feel up for it/want to.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments What the heck do you mean? You're not being selfish at all! If you're referring to the fact that you didn't know, well...I didn't tell very many people on this site. And the ones I did tell didn't care very much. So don't feel bad about it. I'm glad you're feeling a lot better too! We both are, it seems.

I kinda want to though...I dislike seeing someone I know be sad. I don't like seeing anyone I'm close to feel sad.


message 24: by Hunter (last edited Aug 27, 2018 11:06AM) (new)

Hunter | 184 comments I lack confidence and social skills to, like, an extreme degree, so I tend to apologize a lot. Fair warning. *Roblox "oof" sound plays in the distance*
Thank you for considering me a friend... ;-; I'm a huge cynic, so I'm usually very hesitant to associate myself with anyone (rarely do I ever send out friend requests, actually; I make myself wait for people to send them to me due to fear of rejection), but you seem cool, and based on what you've said we have a handful of common interests, so that's awesome. c:

On an unrelated note, I started my junior year of HS two weeks ago and aaaaAAAAAaaaaaaa I'm so mixed on how I feel about it. It's been fairly smooth thus far, but I can sense it's about to get worse...if the mental breakdown I had on the fourth day is an omen at all.


message 25: by Creative Orange (new)

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1486 comments I also lack confidence. It is hard to let out things out to other people.


message 26: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Rumell wrote: "I also lack confidence. It is hard to let out things out to other people."

It really is...


message 27: by Creative Orange (last edited Aug 27, 2018 11:20AM) (new)

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1486 comments This happened today. I really wanted to look for jobs. I was searching for jobs in my area for 28 days and I felt like I really couldn't find job available. I came across to a store called 'Shoe Zone'. Before I wanted to go in. I was thinking of what to say and I was saying 'I am looking for a job and I am not taking no for an answer'. When I step to a staff the words run away from me and I stand there like goody-to-shoes, no pun attended, and just ask if there is any job applications.


message 28: by Creative Orange (new)

Creative Orange (Rumell Khan) (rkrespectedmember) | 1486 comments Sometimes I am too friendly.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments Ah my junior year of high school was pretty stressful, and that's saying a lot because I actually love school and going relaxes me(lol)

It was just...I had a ton of work to do from classes; I basically had homework from seven or eight classes all at once and I had to switch out of a class I really loved for a lower-level one I was absolutely miserable during, and I was still trying to get over the loss of my ex-best friend

One of my fondest memories though was going to 1776 with my English 11 AP class though. THAT was a lot of fun. But overall, I didn't have too many happy memories from 11th grade...but don't listen to me ramble about it, haha


message 30: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments That :) feeling :) when :) you're :) sick :) as :) fuck :) and :) trying :) your :) absolute :) hardest :) to :) exist :) but :) everyone :) dismisses :) your :) pain :) as :) weakness :)


message 31: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments I'm really worried about Porter Robinson.

That's probably a creepily weird thing to say since he's a musician and I'm just a fan, but he's been battling depression just like me, and primary sources have told me his mental health is deteriorating almost too rapidly for recovery. And a handful of nights recently, he's been the one to commit suicide in my nightmares...

I can't bear the thought of losing another person who's helped me through hell.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.


message 32: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments My dream a few nights ago involved a Shuichi Saihara cosplay, my genderfluid self, and my phobic mom.

Needless to say, it didn't end well at all. :/


message 33: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments I worry about others more than I worry about myself.


message 34: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments 99.9% of people are too afraid to even approach me.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments I'm not afraid to approach you! I know that probably doesn't mean much because we barely talk, but...


message 36: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "I'm not afraid to approach you! I know that probably doesn't mean much because we barely talk, but..."

T-thank you... Idk, I just feel like I'm too weird for others to tolerate.

I really would like to talk more, but when I show people my wild side, they back away...


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments I promise I wouldn't be like that. I always seem to attract people like that in my real life. I don't mean anything bad by that, it's just that my friends tend to be people nobody else can befriend or even wants to. Like my best friend in the entire world; I'm always asked how I even managed to get to that level with her because she dislikes social situations and people in general and acts cold or awkward towards others and I just shrug and go 'i dunno'


message 38: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "I promise I wouldn't be like that. I always seem to attract people like that in my real life. I don't mean anything bad by that, it's just that my friends tend to be people nobody else can befriend..."

<3

Mood, though - usually when I do attract someone, they're an outcast just like I am.


message 39: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Fucking hell, I'm such a two-faced bitch.

It's truly a wonder to me that a handful of my friends on here still put up with my behavior.


message 40: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments If they were to find my semi-personal Twitter, they'd run like hell and cease being associated with me.

(To be fair, it's a public account, but there's an incredibly dark history behind a lot of the tweets. I've lost "friends" over said history many times before...)


message 41: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Ok, KC, calm down. Look, it's Porter and Hugo. Just look at them being happy in the moment. Just look at them and forget about your never-ending troubles. (:




Alia ~you are not your anxiety~ (aliaongoodreads) | 1725 comments *hugs KC* Have you ever considered that we remain your friends because you have a superior moral compass to most human beings outside of this site? The behavior you're referring to is a result of being hurt or seeing people hurt others in some way. And if you argue that behavior is occurring too often for that to be the case, well, hurt is also a too-common occurrence in today's world. You are benevolent and amazing the vast majority of the time, and we love you just as you are <3


message 43: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Alia ~mostly inactive for now~ wrote: "*hugs KC* Have you ever considered that we remain your friends because you have a superior moral compass to most human beings outside of this site? The behavior you're referring to is a result of b..."

I...I really don't...

I'm legitimately so terrible. My mere existence is enough to drive people to their worst.


message 44: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments 99% sure I'm going to develop bipolar disorder a few years down the road.


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments Hey, I got my baby brother addicted to Danganronpa and it's such a beautiful thing because he went in completely blind and I love listening to his theories about the plotlines and the characters and I also liked seeing his reactions to the executions and deaths. He just started playing it last Friday and he's on the execution of chapter five(he's playing the first game)


message 46: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "Hey, I got my baby brother addicted to Danganronpa and it's such a beautiful thing because he went in completely blind and I love listening to his theories about the plotlines and the characters an..."

Oh my god that's amazing :o


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments I know! I honestly didn't expect him to like it since he doesn't really like anime and prefers more open-world sorts of games, but he literally cannot put the game down now. He's looking forward to finishing it so he can start the second one


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments P.S. he says his 'top-tier waifu' is Kyoko

Chihiro used to be his top-tier-waifu until he learned his secret lol


message 49: by Hunter (new)

Hunter | 184 comments Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "P.S. he says his 'top-tier waifu' is Kyoko

Chihiro used to be his top-tier-waifu until he learned his secret lol"


LOL

RIP best boy though ):


Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛  (pinkhairedwannabe) | 16707 comments He said he'd totally be friends with Chihiro because he's literally just him in anime form but he'd never date him lol


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